Tuesday, December 8, 2015


“Words can never fully say what we want them to say, for they fumble, stammer, and break the best porcelain. The best one can hope for is to find along the way someone to share the path, content to walk in silence, for the heart communes best when it does not try to speak.”
—Margaret Weis, Dragons of a Lost Star

Friday, December 4, 2015

Thursday, November 26, 2015

My rollercoaster mind

I've always wondered if everyone felt the way I felt in their own bodies. If this was the normal and why are they better at hiding their struggle. 

Feel like I'm going through this massive learning curve and kind of wish I had my closer friends around me now but this is probably for the best. With all the madness, I'm able to look at things on hindsight given a couple days.

I'm watching how I handle everything and  today was prime example of how I woke up ready for bloody anything, lunch with a friend then half way through exploring my mood changed. I wanted to go home alla sudden. And then after that I had the hardest time replying to anything with a smile on my face. I had a million other things in my head and I couldn't pay attention to anything being said. It comes off awkward sometimes.

When I got home I got into another high. I was playing music on repeat, dancing, singing and typing essays of updates to other friends. Then come 9pm, I'm down again. Bizarre.

I'd suffered mild depression my whole life sometimes severe through several of the chapters then PTSD and trauma and now I think the end result are these crazy highs, and crazy lows. I never thought I would cycle through this in my adult life but having to start again and make a life for myself on the otherside of the world has really pushed me. And I've really struggled. The highs and lows come faster because of the stress I guess. 

My regular verbal diarrhoea to several friends during hypomania was something I've regretted constantly the past few weeks, and I can only imagine what it's like on their side. Kind of hate imagining that. And then just going from the world is mine! To I wanna die, I wanna go home. And they get that too. 

So anyway, psychologist tomorrow and hopefully I'm prescribed the right stuff. 

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Little wonder, come alive

Purely spiritual, beautiful melancholy. Painting pictures with his music. He has such a way with words and melody in all the small details. Like little sprinkles of gold dust in a brought to life Rembrandt. And a comforting warmth in the belly of the ocean, at night. All my favourite things.

Monday, November 23, 2015

I know nothing. I know love.

It could go two ways. You either know more and become the biggest expert on everything, or know more and know nothing. I'm the latter. I'm largely an idealist and have been for my entire life. I think based on fear systems instilled in me as a child where I thought being a good person was the ultimate goal in life. Not to say I blame my childhood, but there's no denying that the smallest things that happen in life, unconsciously turn into habits when you do not place some kind of authority on the autonomy you have in e v e r y damn situation. And for me, I've realised the only way I can function in some kind of functional way is to dismiss that kind of autonomy and stand behind my ego, or my person. For lack of better explanation, I have realised that my awareness of being a person with potential, holds me back from realising any kind of potential.

When I started teaching, we were chucked into the deep end and I was teaching lessons on day 2. If you know me, you'd know that this is something I fucking despise in life, being put on the spot or, given no time to mentally prepare for something totally out of my arena so to speak. I burnt out in the second week and cried in the bathroom with no one knowing, twice. In between lessons and during our lunch break. I was fucking dismantled that second weekend and I was ready to call it quits. 

Then I realised I'd already done two weeks, and in the same way I submit to my feelings of depression and suicide, I decided to submit to the progression of life. Which is funny because individualist conversation we all know and love is very proactive and fabulously assertive. Somehow, I managed to get through the second half of training with no relapses, while others were having them in the 3rd/4th week.

I'm in no way bragging. I don't understand half of it, but this whole part of the trip called "finding myself" has really been in action if not anything else. I am now so familiar with my strengths—of which are few and far between, but quite reliable! And my weaknesses, which I don't term weakness as in this whole process I have found out, apologising for who you are is the worst thing you can do to yourself, and sets you up for a myriad of other stressful things waiting to happen.

I rewatched an old favourite film called "Mirrormask" and for me, I was mostly watching it with how it made me feel when I was younger in mind. But for D he saw it and gathered all sorts of insight. One being the scene with all the Sphinx house cats and they advised Helena and Valentine, "don't let them see your fear," which is basically how it is for everything in life.

In life, becoming independent and creating a life for yourself requires exactly that. And that is something I've not ever been able to achieve if not for this entire experience here. I've issues with bureaucracy and these unsolved obstacles they did not footnote in our disclosures and I'm only the same as everyone else but then I wonder, if I am the same then why am I the only one who wants to go back home?

I have never in my life experienced so much love and care from a group of people I have only known for a month. We've all left our homes to start new lives here and I don't think I could be luckier to have been put in this group. Absolute rockstars. And forget the politics for a second because this rainbow of people have taught me one thing: never abandon who you are.

I could have come out to a few of my new found friends that I had depressive tendencies and oh by the way if I disappear off the face of the earth for a while it's because I'm in a hole, don't take it personally. But chick, I couldn't bring myself to it they were all such legends. And even that one bum class i taught where I was basically in a hole, at school with incredulously bleak cognitive functioning, feeling so fucking alien because why am I the only one burnt out so early-even then, they smiled at me and encouraged me, "you'll be right."

Which is basically half of my internal dialogue now. I'm so foreign and so homesick and should be really grabbing teaching by the balls here, at least for a little bit, even without the bureaucracy sorted, but I've coasted. And I coasted and I've applied for positions back home that I would've never for the life of me thought I could do. And now I can. So I figure, ok there's that. And then I figure, if you are gonna stay here then at least do something. 

I'm trying to turn my life into a series of meaningful, positive events that will build my character and person into a woman I can be proud of. And I've found out that post-trauma, post anxiety post all of that shit, I'm still one hell of a ride. And I've realised that it takes people who are well familiar with that (personally or through close ties), or people with real openness and huge minds, to get past my initial reservation. 

In the entire training group I have met one real friend. And I've made loads of friends, but this guy and I have more in common than you'd probably expect. And I think there's a vibe to it. And I think we figured that out early. And I digress.

Point is, I'm so beyond knowing anything that I accept, I know nothing. Nothing is my everything. Am I certain about anything in my life? Hell no. Do I miss it? Hell yes. And you can argue nothing is ever certain in life but I will tell you that some people do not know what they  have infront of them, and for someone like me, with nothing but forks in alien roads I will tell you, being certain about anything, and wisely certain about it too, is probably one of the most (strangely enough) liberating things you can experience. Because how fucking great is it to be able to see yourself in your environment, and in others. Honestly, it's not a show for narcissism, but familiarity and home is exactly what makes me feel complete. Can I be complete without it? Maybe. But as much of a gypsy I am in my heart, my mind needs to rest sometimes. I'm pretty old school in my head. Liberated old school. Wine and dine, then call me your little slut. This kind of thing. 

I don't really understand how people become such experts in life. Then again, those are the kinds of people that get what they want. Society supports that! Maybe there's something to it. Maybe that's phase 3. How the hell did so much happen I feel like I'm going through some apocalypse of the old. 

In any case, I've realised that my bravery is the equivalent of me not being so present in myself. Which sounds kind of deluded, but tossing my heart to the wind is the only way I find anything gets done in my life. Somehow, it always works out. Maybe I trust myself that much.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Lady Cypress

She stood in front of me, gun in her left hand, cypress in her right.

"I can't draw the flower without an eraser," I said.

She took me in a rush, smashing her right hand into the table. I shivered so deeply I almost remembered what it felt like as a child. 

"You are not going to be the pathetic end result of all my hard work."

I watched intently as the cypress fell from her hand so gracefully, as if crushing it made it more beautiful. She hastily brushed it off the table, grabbing my neck.

"You pathetic little shit."

She spit on me. I did not flinch. Tears welled from my eyes, unbeknownst to me, trickling slow, like cold lava down my cheeks. The moment it hit the corner of my lips, she threw me backwards off my chair.

"Speak you fucking coward."

My cheek pressed against the soot of the floor, eyes glazed, I caught sight of the cypress again; the little white bulbs of pollen sprinkled so gently, as if deliberate, over its deep red petals. It reminded me of Christmas.

She stood one of her boots on top of it, kicking it towards me dismantled against the friction. I looked up at her, just as I used to with my sweet mother, speaking slow, and sweetly, "Your anger is weakness. You have not lived true pain. I would tell you a story about it, but I'm afraid you haven't got the depth."

"How dare..."

"No," I continued, keeping my pace, "You feel powerful now. I'm on the floor, you're with the gun. How dare you think you are in control here."

She kicked my face, hard. I saw white light and my ears started to ring, my face felt a sensation between numb and burning. I looked up at her again, and this time I smiled.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

being impeccable in one’s actions and feelings

“The self-confidence of the warrior is not the self-confidence of the average man. The average man seeks certainty in the eyes of the onlooker and calls that self-confidence. The warrior seeks impeccability in his own eyes and calls that humbleness. The average man is hooked to his fellow men, while the warrior is hooked only to himself. Perhaps you are chasing rainbows. You’re after the self-confidence of the average man, when you should be after the humbleness of a warrior. The difference between the two is remarkable. Self-confidence entails knowing something for sure; humbleness entails being impeccable in one’s actions and feelings.”
—Carlos Castaneda 

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Panic! At The Disco: Emperor's New Clothes

My energy for today's run will come solely from this video. :48 - 2:00 specifically, thank you! :D


Tuesday, November 10, 2015

The Land of Tears

If someone loves a flower, that which just one example exists among all the millions and millions of stars, that's enough to make him happy when he looks at the stars. He tells himself, my flower's up there somewhere. But if the sheep eats the flower, then for him its as if all the stars went out, and that isn't important? 
He couldn't say another word. 
All of a sudden he burst out sobbing. Night had fallen. I dropped my tools. What did I care about my hammer? About my bolt, about thirst and death? There was on one star, on one planet, on mine, the Earth, a little prince to be consoled. I took him in my arms. I rocked him. I told him, 'the flower you love is not in danger. I'll draw you a muzzle for my sheep. I'll draw you a fence for your flower. I.... I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to reach him, where to find him. It's so mysterious, the land of tears.
Antoine de Saint-ExupéryThe Little Prince

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

What we know is, off and on we go.

Silent, quiet, so late at night.
Threads of truth; these strands of light.
They say, "Well there's no place like home",
Something I've always know.

Pass your house, it looks so nice.
All the lights, meanings of life.
A constellation lights your home.
Best dressed in silver and gold.

And we're almost like a stream of lights,
Each a part of a home.
There are moments we shine, if not all the time.
What we know is, off and on we go.

Years ago when you were mine.
We were like two lights that shined,
Together always in a row.
The warmth of your light still glows.

And we're almost like a stream of lights,
Each a part of a home.
There are moments we shine, if not all the time.
What we know is, off and on we go.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

L o v e is bigger than

We can look at eachother for hours and we already know why, and when tears swell in your eyes it kind of confirms the fact, and if you've never felt that way before it kind of all points towards the one thing that neither of us are saying. But you'll tell me in every other way anyway. And I'll be okay with it as long as you are. 

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Two weeks in Barcelona

My first week in Barcelona was entirely magical. I left everything I've ever known behind to inspire myself and a new life that I've so craved for the longest time.

There were many things I wanted to do in that first week but I limited my sight seeing adventures to La Sagrada Família, and La Casa Mila. Both exceeded my expectations in ways I'd never imagined; especially Sagrada Família where I found myself almost crying when I saw the outside, and then crying when I walked in (they were tears I could poker face :p). Such grand intricacy, overwhelming  beauty, which is an understatement, made me reach some kind of spiritual euphoria that I've never experienced in my life. 

Everything was new. I tried to familiarise myself as much as I could with the streets and neighbouring streets of my school and home, and become some kind of expert at the public transport. I checked for places I'd get my shopping done, and figured out my running route. It has been a dream of mine to live in Spain since I was a little girl and now I am here.

My second week in Spain has just ended, and this week was the beginning of my teacher training. I've never been quite so far from home before, but I was looking forward to meeting new people and making new friends. When things started it was underwhelming for a lot of them, but for me it was quite the opposite.

It has been so interesting to see the different personality types on board this journey. Most of them are really eccentric, mostly being English teachers in Barcelona for the adventure and alternative to the life they'd rather not live back home (mostly Britain). There are some that have had years of teaching experience, some with years of linguistic experience, and some with none of either  (me).

We were thrown into the deep end from day one; given our timetables and due dates for all the work, plus our class schedules for when we were going to teach. My jaw could have dropped when I saw we were to teach the next day, but I kept a poker face, everyone else was! "It'll be easy" some even said. Top that off we are learning Macedonian haha.

I was well nervous when it was almost time for my first class on day two. We'd gone through an entire day from 9am-8:30pm on day one and I was knackered. None of us really found time to eat coupled with the fact that we didn't really know the area so when we went for lunch it was more, where can we get the nearest bocadillo con jamon y tortilla por favor? 3€ sandwiches ftw.

And then I found out that wasn't really the best way. That night I bought myself some chocolate milk, bananas and apples. Breakfast consisting of the former two, lunch being the latter. 

It's nothing I'm used to, this way of never having a moment for yourself. But by day 4 (Friday) I had gotten quite used to it I think, to the point where I was quite relaxed around school, although still walk-skipping everywhere. I also found out that going to piss is a great way to mentally relieve yourself. 

The challenge most of all I think isn't so much the work, or the teaching, because I've found out I'm quite the natural at it and I actually have a great time up there? It's the fact that I can't speak straight Spanish, more so Catalan, and going out just for myself has had this tiny ill strain on me because of the language barriers. I can't confidently speak, I can't quite catch what they say without asking them to repeat it twice because no entiendo.  

And then it's a thing I've noticed too where I've been approached by locals for directions. It happens daily. So I gather I come off as Mexican looking or Hispanic in some way. There are some islander looking Spanish people here. And then I feel a bit disgruntled at the fact that I can't understand what they say, except their initial, un momento cariña, una pregunda. The rest is jibberish to me. 

It's kind of a giant tidal wave of what the hell is going on. Lately my solace has been found in the form of my bed haha. And on most days my nightly Skype calls to a 7am Australia. 

Last night the group and I went to town for our first night out. It was fantastic. We went to a bar and then danced some. I found out one of the young ones, M is a dancer and he found out I had some moves in me too so there were some awesome moments when the both of us hit centre of the dance circle just doing some basic salsa or mimicking eachothers moves. Reminded me of K. And thay lasted til 4am in the morning. I got hit on by a French man and two Spanish men both I politely declined in my way. The guys in our group had their eyes on too. T signalled thumbs up with a question mark on his face, and I brought my arm out to the side to signal a thumbs down hahaha. I don't like it at all lol. 

I had a fantastic night out with great people and that's all that matters, but in a strange way I feel completely dislocated today, because I crave something "normal" to me, a trip to BH for coffee with Dan or some grass sitting with Amy. I knew I'd never take anything for granted again after my last break up but here I am, in the land of magic and beautiful people and I've left parts of me on the otherside of the world.

The only thing I keep in my head is I really have to give this my best shot. Apart from all the meeting people and being a teacher, there's this other thing of just being okay that I really need to keep. And what I've found is the way I cope is hardly anything like how most people cope. I need time to myself, I'm not always trying to fill silences, I hardly trust people, and I want to build a life apart from all the loca I get in my everyday. 

It has been pure crazy here. I am so grateful for this experience but I believe I am this thing they call: homesick. 

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

To second chances and hearts renewed

I sit here slightly intoxicated to pass the time I take packing my suitcase for the Nth time. This time with direction and purpose and all these wonderful things. I am going to Barcelona, and somehow all the shit that tore me down before led me exactly to it.

You never know what lies ahead and this is the one thing I have learnt to accept in the past year, though I still accept it with this kind of warm heaviness. It is kind of everything opposite to what you grow up learning, which is what tends to happen if your plan A, B and C have all failed I suppose. But in a way I've learned to love it because it's taught me exactly everything I needed to know to fill them empty spaces in my heart, and the confusion in my mind. I've learnt the value of friendship, people, appreciating things that I'd overlook before, treasuring the big things as uncertain as they may be.

And that is beauty, but it still weighs heavy on me, because I still hope for the best things and the most wonderful things.

In these 2 years of recovery I have learnt how resilient my heart is, how stubborn my head is, how gung-ho my spirit is and how young my eyes are. I've learnt to accept all these things exactly the way they are, and even fight for them. If it means I stand on my own I will.

I've learnt the most beautiful people are the most vulnerable. I've learnt I've found real friends. I've learnt things aren't always what they seem, and I've learnt that it's okay to abandon everything to start again. I've learnt to choose what to let go, and what to hang on to.

And I start to get teary eyed because, as you grow up you talk less and less about these things to the people you love, because everyone has their own shit to deal with and to be honest, if I could pour my heart out to anyone it would take a mile.

I want so much for myself, for myself, my family, my love-to-be? my kids to be? It's a funny thing to think that, but I really do think of all of it lately. I try to envision a life where I am as strong and able as I can be, nurturing and loving beautiful people I call home. It looks to be a weakness in a lot of context these days, but I think it's what I live for. Love. And a year or so ago I'd agree with everyone and call it weak, but these days it is my strength.

I am many things. Could I ever say I was brave, strong, independent, grounded before? No. Can I say it now? For the most part, yes, I think so. There's a lot that still terrifies me, and so much that, if I spent a second longer thinking about I could cry to, but I choose not to.

I can not wait to live the rest of my life. I can't wait to unfold the next chapter. I am curious as to how I will handle things and how everything will unfold. But if I've ever had anything it is my intuition, and my intuition tells me everything will work out just right.

Cheers, to second chances and hearts renewed. And to life and all the little things that I have learned to love so much.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Transcript: Hannibal S03E03 - Secondo

What your sister made you feel was beyond your conscious ability to control or predict. 

Or negotiate. 

I would suggest what Will Graham makes you feel is not dissimilar. 

A force of mind and circumstance. 


He pays you a visit or he doesn't. 

Same with forgiveness. 

And I would argue, the same with betrayal. 

The god Betrayal. Who presupposes the god Forgiveness. 

We can all betray. 

Sometimes we have no other choice. 

Mischa didn't betray me. She influenced me to betray myself, but I forgave her that influence. 

If past behavior is an indicator of future behavior, there is only one way you will forgive Will Graham. 

I have to eat him.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Nature Boy

I have loved this song so much since it's mainstream release in the movie the Moulin Rouge. So timeless. And I especially love this cover and Gaga's change in how she sings, so gently and so smooth, like she's revealing the more intimate parts of herself. When it reaches the bolded lyric I get goosebumps. 


There was a boy 
A very strange enchanted boy 
They say he wandered very far 
Very far, over land and sea 

A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he 

 And then one day, a magic day 
He passed my way, and while we spoke 
Of many things, fools and kings 
This he said to me 

 "The greatest thing you'll ever learn 
Is just to love and be loved in return" 

 "The greatest thing you'll ever learn 
Is just to love and be loved in return"

Friday, September 11, 2015

If you want the world

If you want the world, take it.
If you can't take it, work towards it.
If you can't work towards it, let it go.

If you can't let it go, never bloody quit until it's yours, or die trying!

Because if it is between knowing the difference between joy and ecstasy and choosing between, I choose the latter. Or die being happy that I never chose anything less than that.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Soha - Mil Pasos

La bonita mi cancion del dia. :)

and then I found this ... ♥

Monday, September 7, 2015

Love Flow — Creating Space to Grow

I have somehow managed to regulate my joy where it isn't something so fleeting where I have to keep my hands off the wheel when I've hit a low, for a week, two weeks, til the next fleeting moment. 

In the past few months, it's safe to say that I've accepted that I am a little more emotionally charged than the next person, which doesn't mean I like drama or such things, but I do absorb the energy from the people I keep contact with. I've also accepted everyone is different — and so, put two and two together, if I am tired, confused, uninspired after being around certain people, I stop communication.

And guess what? It has woooooorked. I am happy and free and I am not scared of the future! Well, I'm hella nervous about Spain haha but, really not scared of the future anymore. 

If you end up with yourself and the right company; people who inspire you and believe in you, and have similar passions and direction, energy as you, you will slowly find yourself focusing 100% on only the great things in life! It is you breaking up with everything that disagrees with your soul. And lately I say, is that not the wisest way to live?

Now I'm enjoying things I never would have before; things I would've rushed through just to get to the next bit. Is it not the journey more than the destination? I've been told this and now I can happily attest to it! And when your mind is clear there is so much more you can do to realise your potential and I am grateful for every fucking miserable thing that happened to me, that brought me to where I am and made me who I am, right in this moment.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Pasodoble - SYTYCD - Katie y Josh, Marko y Janette

I've found my favourite pasodoble routine I think. :))


 And this, just because I've never seen an oriental male dance in such way.


 And then I watched the extended cut and found out he's filipino. Duh! Suits him. :) 

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Dream Journal #13 —Bad Timing

Wow, March was the last time I recalled a dream. 

Last night I dreamt of very normal things, with three that used to frequent my dreams before, A, K and G.


I saw A again after what felt to be a a long time. He had changed in a way that he cared less about me-- I could feel that in the way his mind would jump from place to place without a second thought to the strange moment we found ourselves in. He asked me if I wanted to see his home and I said yes.

It was enormous! And not the 3 storey kind. Something like the Sistine chapel if you want scale on floor to ceiling. And he had this one ballroom that had satin, crimson curtains lined in gold, covering windows that went from half up the wall to the ceiling, folded in such a way it looked strong and elegant in the way it casted shadows. 

I kept telling him I was so impressed, and great job and he hardly heard a word. It was as if it was nothing to him, or he has grown so accustomed to winning it bored him. Then I asked him, "what happened to my stuff?"

Funny I ask that, and to that he rolled his eyes and said, "really?"

"Yes well it's only legitimate, you have a palace and I can't see my stuff in it."

Then this kid, a boy, probably 18 came in like it was his home, greeted A with a brohug of sorts and started yapping on about I don't know what. I thought maybe he was popping in and out. So I paced, walking around the room, staring at the curtains which were so grand I was pretty sure they were staring back at me. Time went on and he just forgot I was there I think. I went up to him and said goodbye, to which he ignored also. 


Next was K who I coincidentally bumped into at some lodge. I was there by myself, he was there with his girlfriend. He was carrying a huge knapsack. She pointed to the elevator, he mouthed his room number and they were gone. I smiled to myself, it was good to see an old friend. Then I bumped into the old youth group in the lobby and in the same way that I remember them. I wasn't smiling too much after that, and then I remembered my unfortunate visit to A's house. I told myself there was no time to feel shitty. I went up to my room, dumped my bags off and went to the rooftop to see the views.

It was beautiful, I lit one up. "Still smoking Deb?" it was K's voice. I turned around to see him by himself. He came and sat next to me leaning his head on my shoulder for just a second before asking, "how are you kiddo?"

"A lot has changed," I said smiling to him.

Girlfriend came up and called him down, she wanted help with something in the room. He told me to come with him, which she didn't want, but I was so far beyond caring about my friends' girlfriends when we were friends long before she came into his life. Sooooo, I went.

When we got in the room I sat on the stool next to the bed while he unpacked or I can't quite remember, but he asked me how A was. I told him a lot has happened since A and he owns a palace now with the shittiest, teenage attitude I ever met. Then I guess I started tearing or something haha, and K came down and sat opposite me on the bed, "what happened?"

To which I just gave him a vague idea of how I find it unfair that all the cheaters and liars get far in life. He ruffled my hair, "you don't stop thinking do you?"

"I can control it now. It's my superpower."

"He has nothing to do with you, and you did good to stop having feelings for him."

I pulled my too-much-closed-smile face and let that go and laughed, he ruffled my hair again and said "you're okay kiddo."

(side note: every dream I have with K in it he is always telling me this! The same thing be used to say irl years ago.)

Girlfriend came in and started getting shit at him because he was "distracted" to which he told her to "calm down, we haven't seen eachother in a decade!" and I sat there like, I should go, but he'd shift his eyes to mine in a way that I read as "no, please stay."

That blew over and K and I were sitting opposite eachother on the bed exchanging stories when gf comes in, all done up, and makes out with him for let's say, 30 seconds. He started laughing his way out of it, "what was that!?" 

"I'm heading to the shops, do you want anything?" she said.

"No, no, I'll go a bit later."

to which she proceeded to lean in towards me and gently brush her tongue over my lips and suck on it gently. My eyes went O.O at K. 

"That's her normal," he said as if defeated, looking away. 


I was in the lobby again, people watching. I saw the old group again, and they were giggling excited about something and headed in my direction. 

"Ate ate ate!"

All I thought to myself was shit I don't want to deal with this right now, and then they split right down the middle and revealed one G. I wanted to run up and hug him so fucking tight but I could barely move. It seemed I was so nervous and excited, all I ended up doing was O.O and then smiling like "whaaaat?" type. He was smiling at me the whole time... they went to the lifts. He disappeared into them and all I could think was, "well, that's the last time I'll see him forever I bet." hahaha! #anticlimax

They didn't take too long before they were in the lobby again, and this time they sat in a group of chairs on the other side of the room. I thought to myself can we not play games here as well? But then I ended up walking to them, to go through them, to the lifts and as I passed them, I paused in front of G and said, "meet me on the roof." to which he smiled and said okay, and they all said "oooooo." 

Then I think the dream skipped the roof or I just can't remember it, but next scene I remember he was on a stairwell holding EJ by the collar of his shirt who had slipped through a gap in the railings. I saw his glasses hit the floor, his goggles, his bible, his wallet." I slipped through the same gap purposefully and jumped, "I'll get it."

I came back up and G had pulled him in. They were sitting on the steps. I passed EJs stuff to him and G looked up at me. In a way, I felt good to have been a team with him and see him strong like that, in another way I knew I had such bad timing always. I excused myself and left.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Maria Pages - Firedance

 Que bellissima! I think this is the most beautiful flamenco routine I've seen in my life.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Ex Machina, the Imitation Game, and suicide

This isn't a review really.

I so love movies that explore human nature, particularly those that extend further to hypothesise. I finally watched Ex Machina which I think deserved more screen time than it got. It would be so interesting to explore the same concept in some pseudo-candid way, I think especially coupled with existentialist dilemma and conclusion of man vs. machine in the way they presented it. It was brill, I haven't checked if they're making a second one but I hope they do.

After I watched that I went through the rest of the list and they had the Imitation Game which had me curious because -- Benedict Cumberbatch -- anything with that guy in it has me curious because of the roles he's played in past. And then I read the synopsis where I found out the movie is a tribute to Alan Turing, which was what Ex Machina centrally explored in its post modern, post mortem way - if I may. Haha. I wasn't aware of the Turing test prior. The Imitation Game had me in tears, not the simple kind.

Both movies explored human nature in such profound ways; both celebrating the true genius of man as his own suicide. 

I could comment on both and draw on their parallels but I won't. Instead I took out my phone and typed out quick in my notes "bipolar continuum" -- with no relation to mental illness -- but maybe some if you look from far. 

If we were to stand on the plane of our consciousness, around us is our scattered selves; I believe to be our rawest selves. You can walk and hop from fragment to fragment finding patterns in the way you choose where to step next -- let's call that "energy." Then there is thin silver that lines the perimeter which consists of all accumulated knowledge and experience from past- let's call that "reason." 

Genius, I believe, is discovered in "energy" state; just as Nathan uses Pollock as an example; he left out the fact that the guy died in a drunk, angry car crash as well. Most all I have heard of: artists, musicians, thinkers, that live in their energy, die in their energy as well. When all these people undoubtedly contributed better to the world, who makes it out alive? It is do or die and inevitably, they kill themselves. 

Who lives on? 

Important to know what is important to you I think; for sake of the life you live and the company you keep. Energy, reason, or a balance of both. When in even the balance of both I believe you compromise potential. Reason alone leaves you with hardly any room for faith, and energy alone will drive you to suicide. it's madness! These days I'm not sure anymore. :)) Sometimes life puts you in positions where you must act; on reason, energy, or both-- if you're just bumbling around I guess there's less of that, but I never want to be that.  so I fling myself to the winds and do my best - that's okay too I think. 

Like I'm passionately running blind through some morbid labyrinth with my arms stretched out in front hoping they don't get chopped off, but if they do... they're just my arms!!! Maybe I can find some discarded AI and sew a new one for me on. :D

Saturday, August 15, 2015

What is REAL?

“What is REAL?" asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day, “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick–out handle?”

 "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When someone loves you, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

 "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

 "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

 —Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Penny Dreadful Season 2 Episode 8: Lily Frankenstein's Monologue to the Creature

Lily Frankenstein: What in God's name do you want of me?

The Creature: What I want I cannot have. You are incapable of it

Lily Frankenstein: Yes I know. You want to walk in the village and hold my hand. And when people are cruel you want me to love you even more. Do I hurt you? You pathetic creature. How can you imagine that I could care for you? Does that face belong alongside this? Doesn't the world smile on us? Don't we make a beautiful couple "thee and me"? Should we wander the pastures and recite your fucking poetry to the fucking cows? You are blind; like all other men.

The Creature: And you're unlike all other women.

Lily Frankenstein: You tell me how. We flatter our men with our pain. We bow before them. We make ourselves dolls for their amusement. We lose our dignity in corsets and high shoes and gossip and the slavery of marriage. And our reward for this service? The back of the hand ... the face turned to the pillow. The bloody aching cunt as you force us onto your beds to take your fat heaving bodies! You drag us into the alleys my lad and cram yourselves into our mouths for 2 bob when you're not not beating us senseless when we're not bloody from the eyes and the mouth and the ass and the cunt! Never again will I kneel to any man. Now they shall kneel to me. As you do monster. My monster. My beautiful corpse. How clever he's been, our creator. But our little god... has brought forth not angels. But demons. Thee and me. And what should we do with this power, undead thing? You're a thoughtful man, a philosopher even, so tell me, why do we exist? Why have we been chosen? Tell me.

The Creature: I don't know.

Lily Frankenstein: Is it to suffer?

The Creature: Yes.

Lily Frankenstein: Must it be?

The Creature: How can it be other? We long for that we can not have.

Lily Frankenstein: Women? I'll bring you a dozen we can fuck them together. Me? Then you shall have me. I want you. I want a man unlike all other men. My brother, my equal. I'll take you by this beautiful white, dead hand and lead you to my bed right now. I'll bleed for you. I'll love you, for your sadness, and your poetry and your passion and your rage and your infinite, luxurious ugliness. I'll lick your sins away. And when Victor comes home, we'll put our hands around his throat together, and watch him die. And then this will be our home. And then? What then, undead thing? We were created to rule, my love. And the blood of mankind will water our garden. Us and our kin, and our children, and our generations. We are the conquerors. We are the pure blood. We are steel and sinew both. We are the next 1000 years. We are the dead. No being who ever was or will be shall love you like I do.

Bravo Billie 

28/07/2015 •— Sleepy Mountain

Oh sleepy mountain
My wandering eye,
Waiting for the glint of sparkle
From the beast that lies beneath.
Oh sleepy mountain
Softly booming, whispering your sweet words.
So humbly you speak.
For what can contain the beast
Everlasting, eternal, immortal;

Grey wisps kiss you by your neck, like ice for you've not known embrace;
Yet you need not flinch, it knows it is welcomed there.
Like two allies it seeks to protect you
Honour you, caress you just enough.
And it dances with you, a slow courtship; Yet you stand steadfast.

My gaze catches a glimmer of the beast under the moon.
He pauses for only a moment to gaze upon you,
calming his excited breath.
He leaves, you stay. You stay waiting,
unbeknownst to your own majesty.
You feel a hollow emptiness and nothing more.

Oh sleepy mountain
Feel the gentle trace of the wisps glide gently over your neck,
and look to me now as I look to you.
Your eyes are tired and so are mine;
you are more than the home of the beast.
Your place of rest might also be mine;
Who houses you? If you stand steadfast I will return,
And maybe I'll find home for us both soon.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Cafe Quijano - La Lola

Se llama lola y tiene historia,
aunque mas que historia sea un poema.
su vida entera pasó buscando
noches de gloria como alma en pena.
Detras de su manto de fría dama
tenía escondidas tremendas armas,
para las batallas del cara a cara
que con ventaja muy bien libraba.
le fue muy mal de mano en mano,
de boca en boca, de cama en cama,
como una muñeca que se desgasta,
se queda vieja y la pena arrastra.
Oyeme mi lola, mi tierna lola,
tu triste vida es tu triste historia.
Pero que manera de caminar,
mira que soberbia en su mirar.
Fue mujer serena hasta en el instantede entregarse presta a sus amanteses tiempo de llanto, es tiempo de duda,de nostalgia y de su locura.
Tienes el consuelo de saberte llena
de cariño limpio y amor sincero,
por que nadie supo robar de tus besos
eso que hoy te sobra y que nadie añora
Es el tiempo de la arruga que no perdona,es el tiempo de la fruta y de la pintura.

Friday, July 17, 2015

26 años, ¡Salud!

Estoy muy agradecida. No se todo me llevan aqui. Lecion muy importante: confia en ti misma. La vida es muy loca y bella. Y mas, todo tiene una razon. :))

Y mas, familia no es de sangre, y esta vale. I will do what I want, I will love what I do y voy proteger mi corazon como un guerrera! Suavemente y fuerte tambien.

Safe to say the best chapter of my life is around the corner, or perhaps it has already begun. Las estrellas estan en mi corazon, y ¡finalmente!,  en mis ojos tambien.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

#qotd -- Anaïs Nin

"I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman."
                                Anaïs Nin

Tuesday, June 9, 2015


You are as beautiful in the sun,
as you are in the darkness.

I will cradle you even then.
I will protect you even then.

The sanctity of darkness in dim night.
Heart bound by an immortal love affair;
Immoral, but so sweet,

Like biting into your lover's flesh;
Licking, sucking, kissing.
It is so beautiful,
And oh so sweet.

There is nothing in me that could end this.
There is nothing in me that wants it to end.

Have you ever been consumed by something so beautiful?

Saturday, May 23, 2015


Blocking the person who birthed me from all forms of communication. 
That's where I'm at. 

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Monday, May 11, 2015

On Christianity

Meeting Christians in their Christian environment is kind of charming at the time, bit weird after the fact; cos after the fact you realise that every other sentence was about their faith, every half an hour would condemn some other type, and someone is always giving a sermon to someone else about what is right according to God. 

I came home that day feeling first glad I spent time with my friends, but the minute I entered my home, I realised how far I've come from it. Even my parents have in a way— you'll kind of have to eventually. Mum wasn't so supportive for the longest time but when I lived with her just recently I think she took on; I heard her sermon someone using universalistic undertones-- it made me smile to myself cos I mean, at least she's preachy about the right thing, even if preachy is a total no when it comes to other spiritualities in the pagan way. 

But even so, when you hear a pantheistic person speak of their spirituality it is done so always with faith, conviction, and softness enough to know the stuff they believe in they can't completely comprehend. Because how does one human know god? We're not so evolved yet, pretty sure. Don't know how anyone can speak as if they were the right hand of the Christian God. Whenever it was like that though I never flinched; it was more interesting to me to see some people talk in such certainty and with such superiority complex. Especially towards the child; I've never met a smarter kid in my life. She speaks like an adult, almost, talking about things in such  ways. I said this kid is so bright, if she can stick to her guns she's gonna go so far. But then it was weird as well, in hindsight, seeing how they would feed her gospel and how she'd regurgitate it back. 

So anyway, I remember why I left. And now really appreciate how open minded my parents and friends are about faith and all these things.


Thursday, May 7, 2015

Trevor Hall - Om Shakti Om


My Mama rides a lion
My Dad wears ashes and snakes
My Mama is a warrior
She kills demons in Her play
My Daddy has the power
And He likes Her this way

I call them day and night
I never leave their sight
Singing Om Shakti Om Shakti Om

 My Mama lets Her hair hang loose
My Dad likes to sit still
Watching Mama scream and dance
gives Him such a thrill
My Mama drinks from a skull cup
You got any demons She'll sip them up

They live up on the mountain
They're the Eternal Fountain
Om Shakti Om Shakti Om
My Mama and my Dad
They are mad
They are mad
Singin Om Shakti Om Shakti Om

Monday, May 4, 2015

"So rather than holding on to a broken dream, I'll just hold on to love"

Tuesday, April 28, 2015


The lounge was elegantly sinister. 

We sat across eachother on separate leather seats; the glimmer of deep red from the half full, half empty wine glasses kissing the corner of my eyes; reflections of the fire hitting the crystals and gold. Darkness in here was like a warm hug and his eyes were so inviting. 

I smiled to myself, leaning forward to pick up my wine glass. I took a sip, looked up, and spoke, "you know, everything has its time and place." 

He was cautious, but still generous enough to show me he wanted me. He leaned his elbows on his knees and diverted his gaze, smiling to himself, "you know, you're persistent."

"You give me reason to be."

He got up, placing his glass on the table again before sitting next to me. He leaned back, and so did I. I offered him a sip from my wine glass and he grinned, letting me; I watched as the glass touched his lips. I wanted to tell him he was so beautiful in that moment, but I didn't. I put the glass down on the table and leaned back, resting my head on his shoulder. I placed my hand on his thigh and he took it into his. 

For the first time in forever, there we sat. A decade of communications, miscommunications and craziness led to this: telling eachother everything, with no words at all. 

It was the best conversation I had in my life. 

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Wynter Gordon - Stimela

Lady Gaga - Marry The Night

--- In a not-so nutshell ---

I'm not sure why I think I am always so full of great ideas. I've relapsed. And it's not something I've been fighting with, it's slowly creeped to become a reality. I'm not sure how viable success and happiness for me is anymore. They will say use your pain as fuel to your fire but inside me there's this thing that wishes bigotry and pigheadedness be wiped off the face of the Earth. But it's not the case. So what am I going to do about it? If I could rewind I wouldn't have done a lot of the things I did, or given up anything I had passions in. I'm 25 and everyday I am reminded of how much of a disappointment I am to myself. But from the same mouth, words shouldn't matter. Don't tell that to a poet.

I've accepted this thing about me that I've tried to fight against for years and that is my heart. I am not sure if I've become deluded in that - in spirit and heart, soul. Because in philosophy they only cover mind/body theorem. That means who I am is pretty irrelevant right? To the functioning world of today.

I was okay. I was more than okay, I was doing myself proud with help and encouragement from people I trust. That was fine. Tell me why everytime I am almost there I decide to add an extra step thinking it'll get me further. 

To most people they wouldn't even bat an eyelid at the thought and just shrug it off. I am not sure why everything weighs on me; why I can't just be thick skinned or a little more selfish. Because I get there's a narcissism in feeling sorry for yourself; but it extends a little further.

I've first hand experience with the worst kind of people there can be. Maybe not the worst; maybe I'm lucky. But what I've seen and what I experience makes me wonder how it is people like this exist. So okay, there's nothing you can do about it. The world is good/bad all working in unison somehow - so just go out and get what you want; when I've been so exposed to people with the highest sense of entitlement. Where am I going with this. 

I keep waiting for someone to fight for me. I'm not sure why. When I am alone this doesn't happen -- when I'm in company I can't understand why it does. I want to go running daily. Running daily isn't even allowed here. This was my proudest achievement in years - 9km in 35 minutes or whatever alien record I held. Who even does that? Well it's frowned upon here. Why am I so sensitive? And I do it for myself - if I do it for myself why do I care for other's feedback? Is it because it comes from the person who never offered me shelter when I was being abused? I'm not really sure why I give a shit.

And then there are the people that are so set on truth. Who's truth? Theirs? Most likely not the actual truth and most probably the most slimey, misinformed opinion of you. Because some posts ago I wrote big about someone who I thought spoke truth like Truth. Turns out the someone was a phoney and what the fuck else do you expect? I'm a sick romantic who loves ideology. 

Do you know that relapsing has opened my eyes to too much. I've thought for days on this but I am pretty sure I can empathise with those cases you hear who have completely lost it. Or when you see those homeless people on the streets, addicts, talking to themselves with no concept of reality anymore-- cos I can easily, easily ask myself: what is real? And come up with nothing. That's where im at.

There's a lot of fluff. The other day I was thinking to myself how we fill water jugs, then pour water into glasses, before drinking it. Who thinks of these things? Point being, why? Also-- why is there so much need for hype. I watched the trailer for the Avengers sequel and I was half looking forward to seeing Hemsworth, and then he let off into some great chorus, and I sat there thinking, okay then. And then I thought, why? 

I'm tired. I have a friend who is like a big brother to me and been through similar circumstance, with same heart and same love in him. He brings me back. I can break my face laughing at the dialogue we have. I'm lucky like that. 

The world is passing me by and I am on a stand still. It's almost May -- what have I accomplished? Feels like I've gone back to years to square one; minus the panic, which can't be a good thing. 

I still want what I want, and that I've always dreamed of its no coping mechanism. It's lasted forever. If I'm happy I know I'll only want to share that.

What is love?

I've learnt that most people who claim to love, actually don't. I was talking to brother about it; a lot say it for personal gain, or as some kind of way to feel okay about themselves, or some way to control someone or power trip. And that's all okay for some people -- but if you do that to me I see that, and I'm gonna call you out until you either a. admit it yourself or b. fuck off. And let's be honest, majority of those people haven't the balls to admit shit. But that's love to them; honey don't even try to save them, it will only ruin you.

I've tried countless times, with four people in my existence; and I don't say life cos 3 aren't in my life anymore. Whatever. Anyway, last speech I had on love was ill received to say the least. I'm done trying to love broken people. Loving broken people breaks you 10 fold. Don't do it. And I'm using the word broken because as much as I want to say; oh people are just different because of circumstance and jaded because of experience, I won't. Because to me there's two types of people in this world:

1. The kind that ask why, look inside themselves, better themselves, encourage others -- the Kings and queens I call them. Gold people. and,
2. those not. 

I'm keeping quiet til I have something to say for myself. Because as much as its tiring for you to believe in me and my dreams, I'm starting to get sick of it too. Also shamed. and just general uselessness. Until I'm walking my talk. 6am -- it's bed time. I hope I can look back on this post and laugh my ass off one day. 

To the few that read my blog: I love you and I'm sorry I'm like this. Just don't want to miss all the best bits. I'm spoiling yall rotten when the time comes. I know you worry. Don't wait for me, but don't forget me when I've arrived. X

Saturday, April 4, 2015

The stars are in my head

I hang my wrist from balcony rail, tapping silently while I sway. Clear skies and not a cloud in sight. I'm playing a song by Stromae, Tous Les Mêmes, blurring my vision to make the Earth like starry-night, feeding my whims of independence and glamour days from now. I'm a creature, freed, filled with memories of ecstasy and enchantment, breathing in darkness, breathing out gold dust. I can't sing into the night but I still remember how it feels. 

Inspiration of the Day: Peter Draws

Thursday, March 26, 2015

let me rest.

If there is one thing I pray for it is simply that I always wake up to every tomorrow believing in love, goodness and grace -- never allowing myself to turn into a cynic with her walls so high no one can reach her.

There is a lot inside me that has turned to stone. There is a lot that I silence, and a lot that I pass off as a sense of humour. I won't go there.

May I exercise discernment and quick wit, trusting myself fast enough to always be one step ahead, and not someone who's read all the spoilers and chooses to forget. 

I can shift my thoughts there in a second and I feel my heart scrunch up. This is called heart break. If you experience it enough times kiddo, you can ignore it. 

From now on I hold my own heart, and the only person I give it to is the one who holds it the same if not better than how I do. So time to step the game up. That's a memo to myself.

There is more love than romantic love and this is the love I am going to focus on. Let's not call this love duck thing a personality flaw, shall we? Let's say I'm just fucking fantastic this way.

Time to #wizeup. Time to have fun. 

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Art By Me: —"Eva In Love"

I can't really believe what I've just got done. Presenting my first mixed medium piece:

"Eva In Love"
Graphite on paper X digital painting

I'm afraid the conceptualisation is a little disappointing as there was not much conceptualisation before actually doing it haha. It was a matter of having a little obsession with apples — (I don't know why, I don't like eating them - maybe that's why) and just socketing one into her skull. I uploaded the wip on Instagram and a friend goes "Apple of my eye!" —I never even thought of that. Clever friends are clever. 

I've realised how much I love digital painting. I don't have much of a steady hand or the patience to do small strokes with pencil on paper so refining the details like the eyes, teeth, nose, above the lips as well as the shadows and light was so much breezier on the laptop. And so much fun. I lose track of time doing this stuff. I believe it is called, "artist flow"! I am excited. And proud of myself today :)) 

Challenge is on. The other challenge being; keep your mother fucking feet on the ground and focus lady!

Marina And The Diamonds - Forget

Friday, March 13, 2015

my definitely maybe

So I am drunk as I type this, a little high off prescribed things, and very sleep deprived. It's made for an interesting day, and I've had a pretty interesting week.

I've been holding back just typing my thoughts sporadically from this thing just cos I know what thinking too much does to me. Not good. But after a little meltdown yesterday, realisation and a motherfucking huge wake up call, I'm going to try and do this more, because:

1. Catharsis
2. Better here than anywhere else
3. Who fucking cares. :)

TBH there are times I get so pissed or so frustrated with myself I end up typing a full entry on here; but I tend to just save those as drafts and I end up deleting them later. This is about nurturing only the good stuff right? You are the wolf you feed and all this. Yeah, well. That only gets you so far I think. Anyway.

I can't really believe where I'm at. I'm starting to realise I trick myself a lot. And it isn't that I don't know it, it's that I refuse to believe it cos that thing in my chest that I blame everything for - and actually has no mental faculties. :p

But anyway I was talking to someone who's been so special to me for the past 6 months? Wow it's been half a year. Anyway this person has slowly become a wolf in my life — and it's not in the usual way. It's in a pretty shit way actually and he'll admit that himself. But getting to know him, and having his presence in my life has been the biggest wake up call I've ever had.

My nickname for him is Devil Man, so we'll call him Devil Man from here on. He is exactly my opposite. He's an Engineer, all logic, all action, no words, no fluff. Never patronises me, never tries to woo me. I used to hate that. Now I love it - is that fucked up? He is brutally honest and he will always tell me things as they are, even if he knows it'll hurt me. I used to tease him about that 70% honesty setting in that movie. Why can't I remember the movie. 

Anyway, you know what it is having someone who is your polar opposite try to understand the way you rationalise, forgive, love, explore; it is a motherfucking nightmare. Says I talk it riddles. That means I could never understand him either, yeah? Here's the thing. If I didn't meet this guy, I'd probably still be ptsding like crazy, still be in coma, still be hating myself, still be hating the world lol.

Like I always say - peace, love and goodwill to man! Unless you iz a mf. 

I hate that about myself - that I never come to any of these realisations fast enough or from any of my own experience. I have to learn everything the hard way, always. Stubborn be me. — He doubted me. I think that's the main part of it. Most people don't doubt me. Most people don't doubt me to my face anyway. There has not been anyone who doubted me in a legitimately respectful way (before we started fighting like crazy lol) that it made me think. And think and think and think. Was this guy manipulating me? Is this guy trying to get something out of me? Why's he such an asshole sometimes? Who knows. But as far as I'm concerned, I trust this one, not with my heart but with everything else in existence pretty much. If I became Anja Queen of the Universe, he would make a fucking good advisor. Or you know - I'd say he could rule the universe but he is a mf greedy bastard and he knows it. Greedy people don't make good rulers. Also power hungry people. So if you ever meet anyone who says they want to rule the Universe, run away fast. That was my ex. And also me I realise — but above statement was a joke. Let's me correct that to: if I was a mother I would trust him with my kids. 


He also reads this blog. :p

It got to a point where he became the only one in my life I listened to. Ever. That means, he ended up being able to tell me something and I'd do it. I've never been that way with anyone before. One of my old friends once told another friend of mine, "beg her." — to which my other friend (who's like Devil in a lot of ways actually) says, "you don't know her. She never does anything unless she thinks of it herself."

So that's a trait. I think it's good and bad.

Anyway, ended up going to see a psychologist when I did, thanks to him. Ended up ending things with so much of my past. Thing about him is he says what I already know in my head, but he'd do it with no remorse. And that challenges me; and I like a challenge, and then slowly things kind of unveil themselves by themselves; and he's always right. Well when it comes to others. :p 

It's kind of like — if you put a thought into the Universe and question it enough times, an answer will come of it. That's what happens when I think too much. It's not entirely useless sometimes I guess. :p

I said to him last night, "hey, I'm stupid or something right?" and he replies, "stupid heart." We talked about his daughter and how he was teaching her chess and piano - sounds like me yknow, the kid is like 5 or something. Anyway I told him, "don't make her too smart or she'll end up thinking too much." He replies, "yeah dumb people are happier."

There are so few things we agree on; but when we've been tested we've stood up for eachother and I've never felt more valued by a man in my life. And he is not the type to prove himself to anyone. He is steady as a rock, a total cynic, built for speed and so untrusting - but so much soul, so much passion (and he wouldn't even call it that). He hates poetry. Say things as they are, he will tell me. 

I get a vague understanding of what he'd become before I came into his life. He's told me that I've been the only one able to reach his heart in a decade. The good thing about him not being a words person is when he says something you know 1. it wasn't easy for him to (he hates inflating people's egos) 2. he means it. 

I never expected us to become what we have become. Which is nothing, and everything at the same time. Because we both know that there will eventually be an end to all this — even if it hasn't been anything in a while. But there is something undeniable about two people who have hidden nothing from eachother. He's made me cry, and I've managed to hurt him too — this thing we call love; it is pain if you start in shitty circumstances. No shit Sherlock. 

I used to doubt him too yknow but it's kind of come to this: I am thankful that he came into my life the way he did. Sometimes we do shit things, sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people, sometimes we do nothing for our own good but out of all of the bullshit I am proud to say I know that guy; and if i ever had to kill for him I would. 

That's my extreme statement of the day. 

And that's my first appreciation post in a decade pretty sure. I'll carry a piece of him everywhere I go from now on. And that's a mf record, considering. And why I trust Devils more than Angels. 

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Imogen Heap - Neglected Space

I watch you come and go.
I know you can hear my voice
Don't walk away

Come daydream with me
In closed loops and future-proof cardboard to caviar.
Let’s show them how good we are.
If you look after me, I’ll look after you.


I'm a story in mourning
And you're the author
So pour out your masterpiece

Entropy increasing
How long before I'm dust?
Can we discuss?

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Dream Journal Entry #12 — Rainbow Sand Castles

I can't remember all of it now but;

I'd just moved to a new house - owned by one of my relatives pretty sure but the house was so big I didn't meet anyone except the help when I got there. I had 3 dogs with me: a German Shepherd, a little Maltese and a shih Tzu. Kuwa, Bamba and my future dog? It was dark and I was unpacking, didn't bother turning the light. Shredded carrots with dog food in the dark as well haha. And the entire time this car alarm was going off - turns out it was actually going off irl haha.

Then I was off to some University. I was taking a masters class in something I think. It was an intimate lecture theatre and I already knew the people in there - some from highschool and some invented by my head I guess. Everything was really casual on the first day. The teaching staff were sitting at the back having a chat. I told friends we should go outside; so outside we went. Came back in and one girl who I found annoying in highschool haha - N - starts bitching about how we took so long. I asked her why she didn't join us and she strangled me hahaha. I backhanded her and she went off to tell some staff member. I ended up going to staff as well which is something I think I'd only do now given the amount of shit I let get away irl, and that teach was like you should tell this guy - he's head of theatre and a big shot. I said okay.

So teach led me up to an office where I explained the story and he told me to follow him. We went into another lecture hall with different peeps in there and he briefed them on something while he told me to sit. Next thing I remember is we were having dress rehearsal for a dramatic reenactment of the build up, climax and resolve of the N strangle. Hahaha! And these people were good. Contemporary dance and everything. I was properly impressed. And like, what the hell haha. 

So fast forward some cos I can't remember; I'm with a few of my friends at some stadium. We watch a game of futbol. The guys after come to me saying,  "hey, we need you to design a huge banner type thing to promote this league. Can you do it?"

I say yes and this was the most insane part of the dream - the method of design? You know sand art you can buy in a bottle where the sand artist layers different coloured sand to make some picture or write something? Well it was that. Except they had the technology to convert written text to layers in this stadium-tall sand art wall. And the catch in the technology was, any errors had to be corrected manually. So when I decided to change the bottom part of it I had my friends help  me pull sand out of this wall. It was fun and kind of like the color festival in India you know? Anyway. When I was done they all liked it and pushed a button and it solidified into a steel fixture - but they added something at the top, and there was a gap. I turned to them saying I didn't like that, and this dude says "wait for it, it'll be your favourite bit."

And alla sudden it lights up and there's moving captures of replays from the last game. And it was all mostly of my friend from my masters class. I was stoked. I was all woah. 

Fast forward and we're all going home and that guy comes up to me saying he liked what I did. I told him thanks and, I'm pretty sure we had a moment, but his ex wife came with the baby in a bit of a tiff and I excused myself. He caught up with me and our other friends later, and we were all headed back to mine.

All the lights were off in the house still but this time my uncle was in the living room outside one of the bedrooms. I went over to touch the back of his hand on my forehead and funny the rest of my group lined up behind me to do the same hahaha. Uncle kept peering in the bedroom and telling us to shh meanwhile. I didn't ask what was happening but it looked like the scene from a movie where someone was dying; but we were in the dark having the back of his hand touch our foreheads.