Friday, June 24, 2016

Call me by my name

There is a place between heaven and hell, where the angels cry and the demons play hide and seek. It is the place where my heart whispers a sweet lullaby to a loveless child; a place so dim it is not of the comforts of the night, and yet when I close my eyes I feel all the torment, and tormented devour me. There is so much pain. A sweet pain that pulls my every wretched bone and my every aching breath. Like a hand wrapped so tightly around my neck, pushed so firmly down I can hear the slow thump, thump, thump of my pulse fill my ears. The slightest, faintest glimmer of hope left in me well in my tired eyes. My fingers trail gently over the contours of cushion, lined under the softest silk, cool to the touch and so elegantly seductive. Turning my fingers ever so gently to graze my nails against it as if teasingly, waiting for it to beckon me closer. A sharp flick from a dim lit candle catches my eye off-sight and I turn to it. The fire is so beautiful. I take the blade from its sheath and trace it cold against my chest, before turning it ever so gently to scratch across my belly. I close my heavy eyes. My home is in this place of pain and darkness and now, I set myself free.

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Mi Dios Lobo

Sweet love,

My King immortal sacred heart, you are as precious to me as every new day.

I am still incomplete, tainted, jaded, trying to find pieces of myself tucked in places I haven't discovered yet. I can not carry both your weight and mine. In an instant, the sun can burn out, the sun can set me on fire -- but I want to blaze through life with the same kind of elegance and gentleness that you showed me once. Dancing through everything, painting trails of ember with my feet and my fingertips. Speak so gently, sweet love, and whisper in my ear, truths of the deepest shades of black, no light is to be seen; the deepest shades of red; painted over a blanket in the sky, where we can lie as one, counting stars and speaking to the moon. Breathe in the pains of the world, and breathe out beautiful stardust, for I will breath you in and breathe out to set our world in flames.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

in the hands that set me free



He's elusive and I'm awake 
Defiantly real, there's nothing fake 
A mystery now to me and you 
Open my eyes and I'm next to you 
He says my destiny 
Lies in the hands that set me free

Saturday, February 20, 2016

On the topic of: Meaning

Over the past year I've realised, I add meaning where there is no meaning. And I've thought about it well, it just comes natural to me because like most, you see the world as you are. It could have made me feel outright delusional having assumed the greater more colourful story line at every point if I had not met the people I did in Barcelona. 

Barcelona changed me in a lot of ways. To know that there is a whole army of people who express love in the same way as you coming from a place of authenticity where it never was an act (yay!) is probably my go-to thought as of late, when I draw the bar for which I set my standards.

I've also realised that no matter what you've been through or where you've been, you're still in your own company at the end of the day. I am even stretching to the notion where I could  be sleeping next to someone, but it won't even be that same thing anymore. Because now I want strength, not codependency. I want it so it's like, two people on separate paths that cross more frequently than most and when they do it is the purest moment -- always "home" -- and when you look at them you are looking at the extension of your very own being -- and it is a feeling of comfort, peace, confidence, strength and so much love it does not have to be said.

And I feel most at home when I can be my purest self with someone I trust and love, but I've realised that being this way, even if you trust and love them, to someone that doesn't come from the same place can inflict the worst kind of pain.

Sometimes people think I'm a little idiotic, and it's okay to step on me. It's hard for me to express the point sometimes, because I can't believe it just isn't known. I've always encouraged people to be their most outspoken, authentic self around me -- because that's where real bond is built for me. Without it, I find it waste of time, energy -- because I am being that authentic self with you. So if I'm displacing it, then that's my own fault. But my approach is always this -- over time, you learn about someone -- gaps that needed filling get filled, questions you have get answered -- and I'm not the type to cut someone off because they've behaved really poorly towards me (except the one), because after time and immersion with that person, I stop taking it personally. Even to the questionable characters - I stop taking that personally. I will still honour you as a human being, but it will only ever go so far, you know?

I think that allowing people to reveal their ugliest side helps in some way. They might think I'm a doormat, but they don't know I'm actually watching them. When people like me it's generally because they think I'm smart -- I don't really know how they forget sometimes. Maybe because I struggle a lot. Maybe forgiveness looks stupid to some people.

Whenever I am upset, it's out of disbelief and betrayal that I was revealing my authentic self to said person, and that was taken for granted. 

This week I've found out, my passionate, hyper self is actually really calm with the right company (he will be called Z). My mind can be on 10 different planets at the same time but with the right person, I'm no where else. So much so I haven't had a suicidal episode in 2 weeks. So much so I'm starting to wonder about the relationship I have with myself, and what it could turn into, if I start to treat myself the way said person (Z) treats me.

Before I left Barcelona, my housemate who became a big brother of sorts, Alfonso, told me something like, "I really hope you have become closer to yourself, discovered more of yourself after this, and more so when you are back in Australia."

You know sometimes you can be the clumsiest, craziest, or reserved, observant, whatever - but around the right company, you really don't need to explain yourself.

 “So many went on a quest to tame her,
The only man to win her heart was the one
Who was also free.”
― Nikki Rowe

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.”
― John Joseph Powell


Tuesday, February 9, 2016

This lady is a tramp

She gets too hungry for dinner at eight
She likes the theatre and never comes late
She never bothers with people she'd hate
That's why the lady is a tramp

 Doesn't like crap games with barons or earls
Won't go to Harlem in ermine and pearls
Won't dish the dirt with the rest of the girls
That's why the lady is a tramp

 She likes the free fresh wind in her hair,
Life without care She's broke and it's oke
Hates California, it's cold and it's damp
That's why the lady is a tramp

 She gets too hungry to wait for dinner at eight
She loves the theatre but never comes late
She'd never bother with people she'd hate
That's why the lady is a tramp

 She'll have no crap games with sharpies and frauds
And she won't go to Harlem in Lincolns or Fords
And she won't dish the dirt with the rest of the broads T
hat's why the lady is a tramp

She loves the free fresh wind in her hair
Life without care. She's broke but it's oke
Hates California, it's so cold and so damp
That's why the lady... that's why the lady...
That's why the lady is a tramp

Sunday, February 7, 2016

We are not like others


Do you ever think what it would be like to be like other people? Normal people?
We are not like others. We have claws for a reason.


I'm with you.
And I with you.

We're together for a reason.
God's plan?

You will not die while I wake. You will not surrender while I live. If I have one god damn purpose in my cursed life it's that.

You are one man.

I'm more than that and you know it.

Whatever you have done, whoever you have made yourself, I'm here to accept you.
You know what I am.
And here I stand.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

there to live, there for me



There to live
There for me
Reveal yourself be at ease
I'll be your fireblue
burn for you everywhere

When blue turn to red
Then I will put it to rest
Maybe we will not be here

I'm gonna stay with you until I fall apart
I'll be your fireblue
Take me to the place I love

Sunday, January 17, 2016

bop bop bop bop bop ba dop




Back in the day when things were cool 
We used to meet up with these dudes 
Then we rode out on Vouges and Trues 
And would ride around the park till it's after dark 
Pumpin' the trunk with the windows rolled up, puff 
Well, well, well say


Laughin', and singin', and jammin', and talkin'
And pumpin' the trunk with the windows rolled up, puff
Well, well, well

And we would ride around the park till it's after dark
And when we get home hope the dogs don't bark, puff
Well, well, well

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Stop what you're doing



Sippin cholorophyll out of ill silver goblets 
I'm like a faucet, monopoly's the object 
There ain't no way to cut this tap, you got ta get wet 
Your head is throbbin and I ain't said shit yet

Friday, January 15, 2016

This is not a review, this is me reacting

Flesh And Bone has just trumped my love for the great Hannibal Lecter and Miss Ives. I could never imagine anything more perfect. 

Whenever I doubt myself it takes this sort of thing to empower me-- seeing all the things that are normal to me, put on screen in the most dark and tantalising ways. Top it off with some beautiful piano playing and really, really divine ballet. 

It is heavy, but not in the unfamiliar, I'm so curious kind of way that Lecter or Penny Dreadful has. This heaviness mirrored every inch of my past, and present. Every tear I cried in those 5 episodes is me saying, "yes, someone gets it." At some points I would watch my own life unravel and watch the girls react in the exact same ways I did, and do.

I wonder if such emotional vulnerability comes from a place of strength, or weakness. I wonder if trauma and mental illness is known enough. Or accepted as a fucking part of this sore excuse we call for a human race; on justice killing sprees for their own selfish causes and for what? All with a fucking smile and a side of, "hey pal."  Throwing out shit at whatever the cost because they don't fucking give a shit about what you've been through. Feeling like they can because of the amount of manipulation they can get away with everywhere else. That's how you win! 

"You achieved nothing." Fuck you. FUCK YOU.  

And I went on a tangent. 

I went from being a fucking loser pity party sorry shell of a person, to, wow Barcelona! You fucking get it! Am I crazy? Yes, okay, but who the fuck isn't yeah. I just have a fucking preference to the kind that doesn't fucking hide shit! People on the other fucking side of the planet are more real and kind hearted serving my fucking café con leche than half the shit I know that says oh hi hello so I can stroke their fucking ego. Fuck you.

you fucking see all my internal dialogue in that series. Everything. And I hope everyone that loves me or has loved me, gets to watch that shit I would LOVE to hear their thoughts because I am pretty fucking sure, if you don't like it, you don't really like me. Or fucking accept me. Whole. As past present and future. And if that's too fucking woo-woo for you, think bigger. Try a dildo up your fucking asshole and tell me if that doesn't actually make you want to cummmmm.


Thursday, January 7, 2016

Pancakes

Growing up has meant shattering all of the little things I believed in as a child. Piece by piece watching them burn to the ground. My home has officially burned to the ground and I didn't cry like I thought I would. I feel contempt, and disappointment. And regret.

After another crazy day of hell in my mind a cherry was added to the mix where I was told many things, and mostly in poor taste. They tell you to never meet your heros. I'm glad I did.

After which I stared blankly at a wall and kind of allowed myself a half minute montage of memories if you will, at all the moments where I created something to believe in. 

I phoned a friend after and asked it went something like-- "Hey what's up?" Um well - long pause - "you okay?" Uh. - and another long pause followed by a - no, but that's not important. Want to do pancakes? "Sure. I'll head over now."

Pancakes at 10pm. We talked about classical music and cinema, art and existential philosophy. I told him about my episode and he told me something I'll carry.

Before that I'd like to confirm, people only subscribe to what they already know-- or things in line with their experiences, whatever. And I'd also like to point out that not subscribing to things is a pretty good sign that you've got a little conviction in you.

And so the pancake revalation is this: there's nothing wrong with me. We all run on different things and my friend has outlined that I am extremely passionate and extremely emotional. At the same time, in my darkest period, I used that emotion and became a really good runner. And so he was saying, that's got to count for something. Work with it. 

There's a good side and a bad side to everything no matter how you live. Know the bad side and be wary. Be wary of crazy hell days and what those can do. But most of all know the good days, and paint stories of adventure if it helps. If it helps become a fighter because you want to protect your family or your friends or whatever else, but run with it and do it.

Over the last year I've heard a couple people tell me that I don't like hearing points of view that don't agree with my own. No, it's not true, but I like to challenge them especially if I feel that these people disregard humanity and a whole spectrum of otherness in opinions. It doesn't mean I want to change them. Because what I've found is it's exactly these people that love me to a point. The rest, they rather ignore exists. 

That's the way to tell your real friends apart. One type embrace, love and encourage you as you are seeing full potential in your strengths. The other type think you're illogical, a lunatic. 


Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Sail into I N F I N I T Y


Simply everything about this! More specifically, the spoken intro and from 4:30 onwards. 

It has taken me bloody 5 days to get back on track and I have to live this up. On that note, I need to make another blog, apart from this one, to recount all the good stuff. My therapist in Barcelona said it is the healthier way to go. I will sleep on the URL name. I do understand her point.

Here comes the true test. Let us see what I can make of my life post-Europe. 

Oh ohhh

Monday, January 4, 2016

eps1.3_da3m0ns.mp4

"Daemons. They don't stop working. They are always active. They seduce. They manipulate. They own us. And even though you're with me, even though i created you, it makes no difference. We all must deal with them alone. The best we can hope for, the only silver lining in all of this, is that when we break through, we find a few familliar faces waiting on the other side."