Sunday, January 24, 2016

there to live, there for me

There to live
There for me
Reveal yourself be at ease
I'll be your fireblue
burn for you everywhere

When blue turn to red
Then I will put it to rest
Maybe we will not be here

I'm gonna stay with you until I fall apart
I'll be your fireblue
Take me to the place I love

Sunday, January 17, 2016

bop bop bop bop bop ba dop

Back in the day when things were cool 
We used to meet up with these dudes 
Then we rode out on Vouges and Trues 
And would ride around the park till it's after dark 
Pumpin' the trunk with the windows rolled up, puff 
Well, well, well say

Laughin', and singin', and jammin', and talkin'
And pumpin' the trunk with the windows rolled up, puff
Well, well, well

And we would ride around the park till it's after dark
And when we get home hope the dogs don't bark, puff
Well, well, well

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Stop what you're doing

Sippin cholorophyll out of ill silver goblets 
I'm like a faucet, monopoly's the object 
There ain't no way to cut this tap, you got ta get wet 
Your head is throbbin and I ain't said shit yet

Friday, January 15, 2016

This is not a review, this is me reacting

Flesh And Bone has just trumped my love for the great Hannibal Lecter and Miss Ives. I could never imagine anything more perfect. 

Whenever I doubt myself it takes this sort of thing to empower me-- seeing all the things that are normal to me, put on screen in the most dark and tantalising ways. Top it off with some beautiful piano playing and really, really divine ballet. 

It is heavy, but not in the unfamiliar, I'm so curious kind of way that Lecter or Penny Dreadful has. This heaviness mirrored every inch of my past, and present. Every tear I cried in those 5 episodes is me saying, "yes, someone gets it." At some points I would watch my own life unravel and watch the girls react in the exact same ways I did, and do.

I wonder if such emotional vulnerability comes from a place of strength, or weakness. I wonder if trauma and mental illness is known enough. Or accepted as a fucking part of this sore excuse we call for a human race; on justice killing sprees for their own selfish causes and for what? All with a fucking smile and a side of, "hey pal."  Throwing out shit at whatever the cost because they don't fucking give a shit about what you've been through. Feeling like they can because of the amount of manipulation they can get away with everywhere else. That's how you win! 

"You achieved nothing." Fuck you. FUCK YOU.  

And I went on a tangent. 

I went from being a fucking loser pity party sorry shell of a person, to, wow Barcelona! You fucking get it! Am I crazy? Yes, okay, but who the fuck isn't yeah. I just have a fucking preference to the kind that doesn't fucking hide shit! People on the other fucking side of the planet are more real and kind hearted serving my fucking café con leche than half the shit I know that says oh hi hello so I can stroke their fucking ego. Fuck you.

you fucking see all my internal dialogue in that series. Everything. And I hope everyone that loves me or has loved me, gets to watch that shit I would LOVE to hear their thoughts because I am pretty fucking sure, if you don't like it, you don't really like me. Or fucking accept me. Whole. As past present and future. And if that's too fucking woo-woo for you, think bigger. Try a dildo up your fucking asshole and tell me if that doesn't actually make you want to cummmmm.

Thursday, January 7, 2016


Growing up has meant shattering all of the little things I believed in as a child. Piece by piece watching them burn to the ground. My home has officially burned to the ground and I didn't cry like I thought I would. I feel contempt, and disappointment. And regret.

After another crazy day of hell in my mind a cherry was added to the mix where I was told many things, and mostly in poor taste. They tell you to never meet your heros. I'm glad I did.

After which I stared blankly at a wall and kind of allowed myself a half minute montage of memories if you will, at all the moments where I created something to believe in. 

I phoned a friend after and asked it went something like-- "Hey what's up?" Um well - long pause - "you okay?" Uh. - and another long pause followed by a - no, but that's not important. Want to do pancakes? "Sure. I'll head over now."

Pancakes at 10pm. We talked about classical music and cinema, art and existential philosophy. I told him about my episode and he told me something I'll carry.

Before that I'd like to confirm, people only subscribe to what they already know-- or things in line with their experiences, whatever. And I'd also like to point out that not subscribing to things is a pretty good sign that you've got a little conviction in you.

And so the pancake revalation is this: there's nothing wrong with me. We all run on different things and my friend has outlined that I am extremely passionate and extremely emotional. At the same time, in my darkest period, I used that emotion and became a really good runner. And so he was saying, that's got to count for something. Work with it. 

There's a good side and a bad side to everything no matter how you live. Know the bad side and be wary. Be wary of crazy hell days and what those can do. But most of all know the good days, and paint stories of adventure if it helps. If it helps become a fighter because you want to protect your family or your friends or whatever else, but run with it and do it.

Over the last year I've heard a couple people tell me that I don't like hearing points of view that don't agree with my own. No, it's not true, but I like to challenge them especially if I feel that these people disregard humanity and a whole spectrum of otherness in opinions. It doesn't mean I want to change them. Because what I've found is it's exactly these people that love me to a point. The rest, they rather ignore exists. 

That's the way to tell your real friends apart. One type embrace, love and encourage you as you are seeing full potential in your strengths. The other type think you're illogical, a lunatic. 

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Sail into I N F I N I T Y

Simply everything about this! More specifically, the spoken intro and from 4:30 onwards. 

It has taken me bloody 5 days to get back on track and I have to live this up. On that note, I need to make another blog, apart from this one, to recount all the good stuff. My therapist in Barcelona said it is the healthier way to go. I will sleep on the URL name. I do understand her point.

Here comes the true test. Let us see what I can make of my life post-Europe. 

Oh ohhh

Monday, January 4, 2016


"Daemons. They don't stop working. They are always active. They seduce. They manipulate. They own us. And even though you're with me, even though i created you, it makes no difference. We all must deal with them alone. The best we can hope for, the only silver lining in all of this, is that when we break through, we find a few familliar faces waiting on the other side."