Thursday, December 11, 2014
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Thursday, November 13, 2014
It took me that long to get diagnosed and it's been the 3rd day since that and I've been waking up with the same feelings I had two years ago.
I never thought this would materialise. I've always known that I think a bit differently than the next person. Something in my life finally broke me. I was trying so hard not to let him win and it turns out I've been doing exactly everything I shouldn't have been doing.
I know I'm responsible for my life, I know I've made so many stupid decisions. I know I need to be stronger and get out there again but I always wind up here. Everything is an effort. And I'm sick to death of feeling this way.
I'm speechless and in shock, for the first time I'm not seeking answers on my own because I'm scared I start doing the wrong things for myself.
I don't plan on being this way my whole fucking life. I've things in my head that paralyse me, questions and things I'll probably never have. And things that I want so badly. Does it invalidate me knowing I'm not well in the head? I know what I want for myself. I don't blame people for not believing me. I don't believe me sometimes too. Everything feels so hopeless. I so can't wait til Monday. I'm so sick of this shit.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
"I was in the winter of my life, and the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself, dancing and laughing and crying with them. Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour, and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times.
I was a singer - not a very popular one, I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet, but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken.
But I didn't really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it to know what true freedom is. When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I'd been living, they asked me why - but there's no use in talking to people who have home. They have no idea what it's like to seek safety in other people - for home to be wherever you lay your head.
I was always an unusual girl. My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality; just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean... And if I said I didn't plan for it to turn out this way I'd be lying...
Because I was born to be the other woman.
Who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone.
Who had nothing, who wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it, and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me."
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
I am obsessed with Sex And The City. I've tried to get into it before with no success but these days I guess everything's just a little more relatable (I guess a kinder way of saying, I'm not getting any younger).
"There's some real truth about you. I can vouch for you."
I won't ever forget those words leaving my friend's lips. That's the best thing you could ask for in a friendship, I think. Every so often when I'm feeling down, I wonder what it is that I give to people that make me worth their time. Sometimes I get so clouded in my head I can't even remember who I am or what I want anymore. That's when it really helps, I guess.
I was on the right path when I first left home; I had life by the balls back then, but I was young, extremely naive, extremely happy and about to make the worst decisions of my life. For some strange reason (that isn't so strange afterall), I turned my first priority to fixing a relationship that was never meant to have happened in the first place. For four years I did that.
That's what happens when you and the guy have no common values and very different priorities -- if that wasn't obvious enough already. And then I decided to make the most retarded decision of my life by jumping into a relationship with a psycho. So.
I spent about 6 years focused on - not me.
Point is, I never thought Carrie Bradshaw from Sex And The City would be a character I'd be relating to. She's a dream for any woman who neglected herself for so long and that - untameable side to her, so to speak. I'm probably romanticising that a little bit, but whatever it is, it isn't square.
Just finished the second season of SATC and it ends with some beautiful words from Carrie, as she watches her ex, Mr Big crawl into his limo with his new fiance. She says to herself:
"Then I had a thought. Maybe I didn't break Big. Maybe the problem was he couldn't break me. Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free, until they find someone just as wild to run with."
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Little lamb, there are lots of wolves in sheep's clothing. Lots. I have little to no faith in words anymore. I'd rather stick by someone who does me no favours than someone who "cares" just to get the reaction they want from me. I am not innocent in this anymore. I know what the hell I'm doing. I'm not here to prove myself to anyone. Somebody tell me who has the guilty conscience? Not me. Never me. Does that make me an asshole? No, it just makes me fucking honest is what.
Give me someone who doesn't use me for once, and someone I can respect. Til then I stick by and appreciate the people that love me and honey no that doesn't make me a slag. Not my fault your head's in the shithole. I just know I'm not about to abandon my friends and I'm so sorry that doesn't comply to the way you want me to live my life, but I'm not about to go through another fucking one of these.
The next time someone tells you who they are, take their word for it. They've set low standards for you before you even hit start. So much learning.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
It's 4AM and I'm blogging because I just experienced sleep paralysis.
Mine felt like girls hands, one on my forehead pushing down, one on my chest, then two more around my hands. They felt human. I tried screaming and no sound came out, just air. I tried digging my nails into her hands and she dug back. I tried wiggling out from under but I was firmly held there. The only thing that managed to free me was when I manoeuvred my hand in a circle managing to graze the side of my hand on the bed. Seems like that did it.
Through it I actually thought someone broke in the apartment and I was going to die. Now my hearts racing and I can't believe it actually happened. They're not kidding about sleep paralysis.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
I've always been a fan of Sia and when friends would ask "have you heard the new Sia song?" I was always just like, "the Chande-li-lieeeer song?" and they're like "yeah that one." Yeah, well, initially I thought drowned out with all the other noise on the radio except for the Chandelilier bit. You know.
Shit's changed on the radio, and I don't listen to it much anymore, but every now and then I hear something when I'm out, then I hear it again, and again, and I think hmm yeah okay, it's okay. So I look it up on the Boob, and get into it and think yeah, actually it's pretty good. Then I think yo, it's got that kind of soul shattering rock potential. Y'know, when music builds you up and builds you up good and steady, steady, release - some kind of heart liberation where you think YES, YES THAT JUST HAPPENED. Well, I officially love that song.
And you know how it is when there's a song I like I check if there's a rock/metal/drum/guitar cover of it and holy shit. With artists like Sia you'd think she'd get the biggest fucking high from hearing some hugely excited drummer rock the shit out of it song right? Rambling. Anyway a bunch of talented folk did it for her-- I didn't like all of them, but here's the awesome I found on the Boob.
And of course my favourite power metal vocalist on the Boob does it too. Yeah he hit that.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Went down memory lane in my inbox last night. Found these two excerpts from Plato's The Symposium emailed to myself in 2008.
'These are the lesser mysteries of love, into which even you, Socrates, may enter; to the greater and more hidden ones which are the crown of these, and to which, if you pursue them in a right spirit, they will lead, I know not whether you will be able to attain. But I will do my utmost to inform you, and do you follow if you can. For he who would proceed aright in this matter should begin in youth to visit beautiful forms; and first, if he be guided by his instructor aright, to love one such form only—out of that he should create fair thoughts; and soon he will of himself perceive that the beauty of one form is akin to the beauty of another; and then if beauty of form in general is his pursuit, how foolish would he be not to recognize that the beauty in every form is and the same! And when he perceives this he will abate his violent love of the one, which he will despise and deem a small thing, and will become a lover of all beautiful forms; in the next stage he will consider that the beauty of the mind is more honourable than the beauty of the outward form. So that if a virtuous soul have but a little comeliness, he will be content to love and tend him, and will search out and bring to the birth thoughts which may improve the young, until he is compelled to contemplate and see the beauty of institutions and laws, and to understand that the beauty of them all is of one family, and that personal beauty is a trifle; and after laws and institutions he will go on to the sciences, that he may see their beauty, being not like a servant in love with the beauty of one youth or man or institution, himself a slave mean and narrow-minded, but drawing towards and contemplating the vast sea of beauty, he will create many fair and noble thoughts and notions in boundless love of wisdom; until on that shore he grows and waxes strong, and at last the vision is revealed to him of a single science, which is the science of beauty everywhere. To this I will proceed; please to give me your very best attention:
'He who has been instructed thus far in the things of love, and who has learned to see the beautiful in due order and succession, when he comes toward the end will suddenly perceive a nature of wondrous beauty (and this, Socrates, is the final cause of all our former toils)—a nature which in the first place is everlasting, not growing and decaying, or waxing and waning; secondly, not fair in one point of view and foul in another, or at one time or in one relation or at one place fair, at another time or in another relation or at another place foul, as if fair to some and foul to others, or in the likeness of a face or hands or any other part of the bodily frame, or in any form of speech or knowledge, or existing in any other being, as for example, in an animal, or in heaven, or in earth, or in any other place; but beauty absolute, separate, simple, and everlasting, which without diminution and without increase, or any change, is imparted to the ever-growing and perishing beauties of all other things. He who from these ascending under the influence of true love, begins to perceive that beauty, is not far from the end. And the true order of going, or being led by another, to the things of love, is to begin from the beauties of earth and mount upwards for the sake of that other beauty, using these as steps only, and from one going on to two, and from two to all fair forms, and from fair forms to fair practices, and from fair practices to fair notions, until from fair notions he arrives at the notion of absolute beauty, and at last knows what the essence of beauty is. This, my dear Socrates,' said the stranger of Mantineia, 'is that life above all others which man should live, in the contemplation of beauty absolute; a beauty which if you once beheld, you would see not to be after the measure of gold, and garments, and fair boys and youths, whose presence now entrances you; and you and many a one would be content to live seeing them only and conversing with them without meat or drink, if that were possible—you only want to look at them and to be with them. But what if man had eyes to see the true beauty—the divine beauty, I mean, pure and clear and unalloyed, not clogged with the pollutions of mortality and all the colours and vanities of human life—thither looking, and holding converse with the true beauty simple and divine? Remember how in that communion only, beholding beauty with the eye of the mind, he will be enabled to bring forth, not images of beauty, but realities (for he has hold not of an image but of a reality), and bringing forth and nourishing true virtue to become the friend of God and be immortal, if mortal man may. Would that be an ignoble life?'
Saturday, June 21, 2014
I've always believed in infinites. For a time I lost sight of those infinites, so to speak, instead swimming through oceans of things that disguised themselves as infinites, or felt almost precious to the same degree as an infinite, but not so. Tricky things those things are.
There is a lot in the way that I used to think that I have abandoned and in the rare instance, I stop and think how tragic that could be; That the grand finale to some of these infinites could ever be summarized in so few words. Almost nightmarish if I were to think about it a second longer than I should; which is why I stopped doing that.
I don't know if it exists, because the longer I stick around the more I come to terms with this concept of "I don't know" and "that's life" — it becomes almost dreary if I spend a second longer than I should on that thought as well. So I don't.
What I do know is that you have to make the best of everything you get given; and to me that can't and won't ever come in the form of cheap thrill or fuzzy hoo-ha. There's no comfort in the flesh or the material and it's deeper to me than that, it's always been, and that won't ever change.
I watched the Fault In Our Stars.
Bless John Green. Augustus Waters is everything I could imagine in the infinite. And that's not me saying "aw" or melting at the idea of love; he's a hero. And not in line with Disney or any of that sap, but I think we all search for the Gus in our lives; in our friends, family, and in ourselves. I think finding that may be all of our infinites. I'll keep a tiny candle lit til the day I'm living mine.
"We are like a bunch of dogs squirting on fire hydrants. We poison the groundwater with our toxic piss, marking everything mine in a ridiculous attempt to survive our deaths. I can't stop pissing on fire hydrants. I am an animal like any other. Hazel is different. she walks lightly, old man. She walks lightly upon the earth. She knows the truth: We're as likely to hurt the universe as we are to help it, and we're not likely to do either. People will say it's sad that she leaves a lesser scar, that fewer remember her, that she was loved deeply but not widely. But it's not sad. It's triumphant. It's heroic. Isn't that the real heroism?"
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
"So basically the song is about how cold and lonely they feel and they wish to melt away the icy coldness and they want to find warmth. In Korean, the word ‘Ice’ and ‘Adult (or grown-up)’ have a similar sound, like homophones. So the ‘Ice’ in this song has been used as a symbol of ‘grown-ups’. So the coldness comes from the adults and they repeat, "why are they so cold" and they refers to the adults. Thats why in the video the kid faces many obstacles with adults and they were all really cold to him but in the end he found someone that accepted him and it melted the 'ice' and he finally felt the warmth."
Monday, April 14, 2014
Friday, April 11, 2014
Friday, March 21, 2014
Sunday, March 9, 2014
I was in these 5 inch black pointed, peep toe stilettos and a rose pink dress (or whatever shade those bridesmaids dresses were)– strange. I was walking out of church, and church was what seemed to be a pyramid, and the staircase I was going down ran on an entire side of it.
I'd just got done getting married. Actually, I was pretty sure I got married yesterday, but anyway. I caught myself thinking, cool, I can walk in pointed stilettos without thinking twice, given we were so high up, and it's a long way to roll down.
Alla sudden I heard my cousin Von's voice. It's unmistakable, cos it's very deep, "huy, cuz, what're you doing?"
I looked back and he was there with his wife, his brother's wife, Matt (a friend from highschool) and another lady. She spoke, "yeah what the hell?"
I raised my eyebrows.
"Deb, I get everything else, but why would you hide from your wife on your wedding day?"
So I got married to a chick in a pyramid church, and in 5 inch pointies. Nice.
I stood there, amused at the situation, looking at my wife and thinking "you're pretty, but" yeah, kinda, uhh –ok honestly in dream it felt like she was a complete stranger, so. Strange bitch, aren't I? lol
So I ran. I ran down the entire, what seemed to be equivalent to 10 storeys of steps on one continuous slope– somehow managing to stay upright even though I was skipping steps in 5 inch stilettos.
I got to the bottom of the staircase and looked up at them all. Matt stood up right with his hands resting on his hips. He was the only one who wasn't panting from running after me. He looked at me wide eyed with a smile on his face that made me think, #challengeaccepted
I grinned back at him knowingly and faced sideways staring into the distance, before turning to look at Matt once more, before I started shifting my weight from foot to foot. My cousin knew what was coming, "oh come on, SERIOUSLY!?"
And at that I sprinted the fuck out of those stilettos it almost felt like I was flying. I looked back and cuz and Matt were just behind me, keeping pace.
"Oi Deb, don't run more than a kilometer!"
I looked back and laughed, wiggled my eyebrows at Matt to which he shook his head at with a smile under his exhale. I spoke gently but firmly (I must've been a super athlete in this dream), "keep up boys."
And at that, I turned back around and sprinted so fast I could barely feel my toes touch the ground.
I kept sprinting for a while, before I woke up. And it's only been 3 hours since I fell asleep, and I'm wondering why I can't seem to sleep past 8am without waking up in anxiety these days. Heheh. But it's Sunday so, ni ni X
Saturday, March 1, 2014
"The keys to life are running and reading. When you're running, there's a little person that talks to you and says, "Oh I'm tired. My lungs are about to pop. I'm so hurt. There's no way I can possibly continue." You want to quit. If you learn how to defeat that person when you're running, you will know how to not quit when things get hard in your life. For reading: there have been gazillions of people that have lived before all of us. There's no new problem you could have–with your parents, with school, with a bully. There's no new problem that someone hasn't already had and written about it in a book." –Will Smith
Friday, February 14, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Al came over to the house to catch up mix music. It was the morning, and he brought his DJ equipment, a blue cooler and BBQ.
"Were we going to the beach to do this?" I asked.
"No, I thought I'd bring it to us," he replied. I gave him the shngarf face.
We were in the kitchen mixing tracks and laughing over BBQ and soda for the entire day. So preoccupied, I wasn't aware of the things around me at all.
Al glanced out the window and onto his watch face "holy shit it's 11:55."
"Hello? I have to go. Your boyfriend is coming home."
"What boyfriend?" I was confused.
Al bolted out of his chair and grabbed what he could reach. He was so scared he didn't bother taking his cooler. Standing at the front door he was bouncing anxiously, shifting his weight from knee to knee, "Deb come on hurry please."
I sprinted to his cooler to help him out before reaching the door. As I did that, I started remembering that very same feeling I'd had in reality once upon a time. The fear that something terrible was coming, and something really bad was waiting to happen. I remembered where I was in my life in the dream when I grabbed that cooler.
I squeezed between Al and the door, "I'll go first," but just as I opened the door, D was walking through the front garden.
As I'd always done, I put my toughest face forward when I should've retreated. I told Al to stand behind me and just walk. It seemed fine initially, but that lasted two seconds.
We walked past D, and I made sure I was in the middle. When D and I were level, he pushed me out of the way and grabbed Al by his shirt. "Holy fuck," I said, "nonono you don't not this time."
I tried grabbing D by the shirt, pushing him away from Al, pulling him away, pulling Al away, standing infront of Al to take the swings. I was screaming and crying, "stop. please stop. for the love of god when will it end," I cried.
At that, D reached for the blue cooler I brought out and started smashing that into Al's skull against the cobblestone of the garden. Al was convulsing, bleeding from his skull, eyes puffed closed, and helpless.
The only thing I hought to do at that point was drop to my knees and try to cover Al's body in a hug as D continued break him. I held him as I cried for help.
The crying came through to reality and I woke up shaking, and in tears. I wish it'd end. I dig my own graves.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
I'd just come home from a night out. I was in a little black dress, and drunk. Fumbling around, about to take my heels off, my phone went off. One new message from D.
I opened it and it was along the lines of, "baby bend over when you do that."
The moment I read it I looked up and he was standing right infront of me. bolted out the room, and through the front door, still in my heels. It was about 2AM, and was pitch black outside.
Frantic and in too much shock to think straight all I did was run *stumble in my heels. He pulled up near me on his motorcycle and kept pace with my run.
"Whatever you do, you realise you're not getting away from me right?"
He jumped from his bike. I barely slipped past his grip.
4:39 in the morning and I woke up a good 10 minutes ago with my heart convulsing out of my chest.
Lets try that again shall we?
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
"Men can absent themselves from real life for their art more easily. Women are anchored into the quotidian business of getting food on the table, making sure everybody's socks match, the soccer gear is ready. I admire idealists, but they're usually enabled by someone who holds the tether on their balloon, who pays the bills and sweeps up after them." - Geraldine BrooksNot taking the men vs. women notion from it, but rather, idealists vs. realists. Speaking from a place of extreme idealistic tendencies in the past, this is something I was seriously blinded to. Funny shit, Sherlock.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
1st, 2nd, 3rd position, 4th.
I close my eyes, standing strong - heel to toe, heel to toe. Moonlight shines through our floor-to-ceiling windows and I'm rocking gently to the breeze. Soft, steady tapping of a loose faucet. I hum a small tune under my breath.
I undo the clasp of my bun, letting my hair fall heavy on my shoulders. Pushing my fingers through I sweep it sideways, head to follow; letting my body loosely go -
tum tu tum tum tu tum
Sometimes I don't want to know. Sometimes I just want to dance.
Silhouettes and white move like water through the room. Strength of a lioness, gentle heart - strides of elegance, eloquence, longing - submission. A white baby grand in the distance and a steady waltz. A Waltz For Me. The faucet turns into a smooth, steady drum line. Do you understand?
Through a field of long grass, I run. I'm looking towards the sun hoping to find you. I know you'd smile at me if you could see. I'm running, I'm flying, I'm skipping steps; pointing at the clouds, and laughing at them, with them, so damn beneath them.
I've been calling to you. Do you hear me?
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
..."the people who deny their experience [...] ironically, those are the people that are most enslaved by what they have. The people who do better are the ones who are able to tolerate the fact that they have this condition; those who can tolerate their depression, are the ones who achieve their resilience."
..."depression is the flaw, in love. [...] there's no such thing as love without the anticipation of loss, and the specter of despair can be the engine of intimacy."
... "she sat in her parent's apartment, more or less catatonic, essentially without moving, day after day. and when I interviewed her about that experience some years later, she said, I was singing "where have all the flowers gone" over and over to occupy my mind. I was singing to blot out the things my mind was saying which were, "you are nothing. you are nobody. you don't even deserve to live." and that was when I really started thinking about killing myself."
..."this will be hellish, but I will learn something from it."
... "and these days my life is vital, even on the days that I'm sad. I felt the funeral in my brain, and I sat next to the colossus at the edge of the world, and I have discovered something inside of myself that I would have to call a soul, that i'd never formulated until that day 20 years ago, when hell came to pay me a surprise visit. I think that while I hated being depressed and would hate to be depressed again, I found a way to love my depression. I love it because it has forced me to find and cling to joy. I love it because each day I decide, sometimes gamely, sometimes against the moment's reason, to cleave to the reasons for living; and that I think is a highly privileged rapture."
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Watched a good few. Inspired by many of the themes spoken about. Love, relationships, family, career, spirituality, purpose, goals etc. Y'know it's Hollywood and all this but it is what you take from it, and this is just bliss for me. Seeing people come out not only stronger and wiser from life experience; but more loving, open and compassionate, too.
"Greatness is at the edge of destruction. The reason someone becomes great is because they survived death. That's what made you great; You were almost over." Will Smith, the Smith family interview on Oprah
"I work really hard at trying to see the big picture and not getting stuck in ego. And I think there is an energy. spirit and soul and an intelligence that we can't possibly fathom, and I want to be connected to that."
We're all put on this planet for a purpose, and we all have a different purpose. It's our journey, if we follow that journey, - if we connect with that love, and that compassion, that's when everything unfolds." Ellen, on Oprah
"I used to think the way to be strong was to be tough. The way to be independent was to not need anyone. But she's taught me that the more vulnerable you are, and the softer you are, and the more you allow people into your life and into your heart, the happier you are, and the more valuable you are to other people. She's taught me that who I am is perfectly good enough, and that I don't have to pretend to be anyone other than who I am. And that's the most incredible gift, that anyone could give to anybody that they love." - Portia, on The Ellen Show
Monday, January 13, 2014
My dear Albert,
Yesterday I received your dear letter and was very happy with it. I was already afraid you wouldn’t write to me at all any more. You told me when I was in Zurich, that it is awkward for you when I come to Zurich. Therefore I think it is better if we get together in a different place, where nobody will interfere with our comfort. I will in any case urge that each year we spend a whole month together, so that you see that you have a father who is fond of you and who loves you. You can also learn many good and beautiful things from me, something another cannot as easily offer you. What I have achieved through such a lot of strenuous work shall not only be there for strangers but especially for my own boys. These days I have completed one of the most beautiful works of my life, when you are bigger, I will tell you about it.
I am very pleased that you find joy with the piano. This and carpentry are in my opinion for your age the best pursuits, better even than school. Because those are things which fit a young person such as you very well. Mainly play the things on the piano which please you, even if the teacher does not assign those. That is the way to learn the most, that when you are doing something with such enjoyment that you don’t notice that the time passes. I am sometimes so wrapped up in my work that I forget about the noon meal. . . .
Be with Tete kissed by your
Regards to Mama.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Sunday, January 5, 2014
It might be that I'm akin to this sort of thing. But who decides that, save ourselves? Moon child, where is your mother and what have you done with your hair?
The kind of calm calamity, strength of the ocean. What is that thing that sits in your pocket? You're not too sure yourself.
White drips from the ceilings, running sticky, sickly down the walls. Daffodils in your hair, you sweet, sweet girl.
My city is burning from the borders, in. Catatonic, stellar, stand. Farus, farus, farus. What is this thing you call love, and where is it meant to land?