Wednesday, September 30, 2015

To second chances and hearts renewed

I sit here slightly intoxicated to pass the time I take packing my suitcase for the Nth time. This time with direction and purpose and all these wonderful things. I am going to Barcelona, and somehow all the shit that tore me down before led me exactly to it.

You never know what lies ahead and this is the one thing I have learnt to accept in the past year, though I still accept it with this kind of warm heaviness. It is kind of everything opposite to what you grow up learning, which is what tends to happen if your plan A, B and C have all failed I suppose. But in a way I've learned to love it because it's taught me exactly everything I needed to know to fill them empty spaces in my heart, and the confusion in my mind. I've learnt the value of friendship, people, appreciating things that I'd overlook before, treasuring the big things as uncertain as they may be.

And that is beauty, but it still weighs heavy on me, because I still hope for the best things and the most wonderful things.

In these 2 years of recovery I have learnt how resilient my heart is, how stubborn my head is, how gung-ho my spirit is and how young my eyes are. I've learnt to accept all these things exactly the way they are, and even fight for them. If it means I stand on my own I will.

I've learnt the most beautiful people are the most vulnerable. I've learnt I've found real friends. I've learnt things aren't always what they seem, and I've learnt that it's okay to abandon everything to start again. I've learnt to choose what to let go, and what to hang on to.

And I start to get teary eyed because, as you grow up you talk less and less about these things to the people you love, because everyone has their own shit to deal with and to be honest, if I could pour my heart out to anyone it would take a mile.

I want so much for myself, for myself, my family, my love-to-be? my kids to be? It's a funny thing to think that, but I really do think of all of it lately. I try to envision a life where I am as strong and able as I can be, nurturing and loving beautiful people I call home. It looks to be a weakness in a lot of context these days, but I think it's what I live for. Love. And a year or so ago I'd agree with everyone and call it weak, but these days it is my strength.

I am many things. Could I ever say I was brave, strong, independent, grounded before? No. Can I say it now? For the most part, yes, I think so. There's a lot that still terrifies me, and so much that, if I spent a second longer thinking about I could cry to, but I choose not to.

I can not wait to live the rest of my life. I can't wait to unfold the next chapter. I am curious as to how I will handle things and how everything will unfold. But if I've ever had anything it is my intuition, and my intuition tells me everything will work out just right.

Cheers, to second chances and hearts renewed. And to life and all the little things that I have learned to love so much.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Transcript: Hannibal S03E03 - Secondo

What your sister made you feel was beyond your conscious ability to control or predict. 

Or negotiate. 

I would suggest what Will Graham makes you feel is not dissimilar. 

A force of mind and circumstance. 


He pays you a visit or he doesn't. 

Same with forgiveness. 

And I would argue, the same with betrayal. 

The god Betrayal. Who presupposes the god Forgiveness. 

We can all betray. 

Sometimes we have no other choice. 

Mischa didn't betray me. She influenced me to betray myself, but I forgave her that influence. 

If past behavior is an indicator of future behavior, there is only one way you will forgive Will Graham. 

I have to eat him.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Nature Boy

I have loved this song so much since it's mainstream release in the movie the Moulin Rouge. So timeless. And I especially love this cover and Gaga's change in how she sings, so gently and so smooth, like she's revealing the more intimate parts of herself. When it reaches the bolded lyric I get goosebumps. 


There was a boy 
A very strange enchanted boy 
They say he wandered very far 
Very far, over land and sea 

A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he 

 And then one day, a magic day 
He passed my way, and while we spoke 
Of many things, fools and kings 
This he said to me 

 "The greatest thing you'll ever learn 
Is just to love and be loved in return" 

 "The greatest thing you'll ever learn 
Is just to love and be loved in return"

Friday, September 11, 2015

If you want the world

If you want the world, take it.
If you can't take it, work towards it.
If you can't work towards it, let it go.

If you can't let it go, never bloody quit until it's yours, or die trying!

Because if it is between knowing the difference between joy and ecstasy and choosing between, I choose the latter. Or die being happy that I never chose anything less than that.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Soha - Mil Pasos

La bonita mi cancion del dia. :)

and then I found this ... ♥

Monday, September 7, 2015

Love Flow — Creating Space to Grow

I have somehow managed to regulate my joy where it isn't something so fleeting where I have to keep my hands off the wheel when I've hit a low, for a week, two weeks, til the next fleeting moment. 

In the past few months, it's safe to say that I've accepted that I am a little more emotionally charged than the next person, which doesn't mean I like drama or such things, but I do absorb the energy from the people I keep contact with. I've also accepted everyone is different — and so, put two and two together, if I am tired, confused, uninspired after being around certain people, I stop communication.

And guess what? It has woooooorked. I am happy and free and I am not scared of the future! Well, I'm hella nervous about Spain haha but, really not scared of the future anymore. 

If you end up with yourself and the right company; people who inspire you and believe in you, and have similar passions and direction, energy as you, you will slowly find yourself focusing 100% on only the great things in life! It is you breaking up with everything that disagrees with your soul. And lately I say, is that not the wisest way to live?

Now I'm enjoying things I never would have before; things I would've rushed through just to get to the next bit. Is it not the journey more than the destination? I've been told this and now I can happily attest to it! And when your mind is clear there is so much more you can do to realise your potential and I am grateful for every fucking miserable thing that happened to me, that brought me to where I am and made me who I am, right in this moment.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Pasodoble - SYTYCD - Katie y Josh, Marko y Janette

I've found my favourite pasodoble routine I think. :))


 And this, just because I've never seen an oriental male dance in such way.


 And then I watched the extended cut and found out he's filipino. Duh! Suits him. :) 

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Dream Journal #13 —Bad Timing

Wow, March was the last time I recalled a dream. 

Last night I dreamt of very normal things, with three that used to frequent my dreams before, A, K and G.


I saw A again after what felt to be a a long time. He had changed in a way that he cared less about me-- I could feel that in the way his mind would jump from place to place without a second thought to the strange moment we found ourselves in. He asked me if I wanted to see his home and I said yes.

It was enormous! And not the 3 storey kind. Something like the Sistine chapel if you want scale on floor to ceiling. And he had this one ballroom that had satin, crimson curtains lined in gold, covering windows that went from half up the wall to the ceiling, folded in such a way it looked strong and elegant in the way it casted shadows. 

I kept telling him I was so impressed, and great job and he hardly heard a word. It was as if it was nothing to him, or he has grown so accustomed to winning it bored him. Then I asked him, "what happened to my stuff?"

Funny I ask that, and to that he rolled his eyes and said, "really?"

"Yes well it's only legitimate, you have a palace and I can't see my stuff in it."

Then this kid, a boy, probably 18 came in like it was his home, greeted A with a brohug of sorts and started yapping on about I don't know what. I thought maybe he was popping in and out. So I paced, walking around the room, staring at the curtains which were so grand I was pretty sure they were staring back at me. Time went on and he just forgot I was there I think. I went up to him and said goodbye, to which he ignored also. 


Next was K who I coincidentally bumped into at some lodge. I was there by myself, he was there with his girlfriend. He was carrying a huge knapsack. She pointed to the elevator, he mouthed his room number and they were gone. I smiled to myself, it was good to see an old friend. Then I bumped into the old youth group in the lobby and in the same way that I remember them. I wasn't smiling too much after that, and then I remembered my unfortunate visit to A's house. I told myself there was no time to feel shitty. I went up to my room, dumped my bags off and went to the rooftop to see the views.

It was beautiful, I lit one up. "Still smoking Deb?" it was K's voice. I turned around to see him by himself. He came and sat next to me leaning his head on my shoulder for just a second before asking, "how are you kiddo?"

"A lot has changed," I said smiling to him.

Girlfriend came up and called him down, she wanted help with something in the room. He told me to come with him, which she didn't want, but I was so far beyond caring about my friends' girlfriends when we were friends long before she came into his life. Sooooo, I went.

When we got in the room I sat on the stool next to the bed while he unpacked or I can't quite remember, but he asked me how A was. I told him a lot has happened since A and he owns a palace now with the shittiest, teenage attitude I ever met. Then I guess I started tearing or something haha, and K came down and sat opposite me on the bed, "what happened?"

To which I just gave him a vague idea of how I find it unfair that all the cheaters and liars get far in life. He ruffled my hair, "you don't stop thinking do you?"

"I can control it now. It's my superpower."

"He has nothing to do with you, and you did good to stop having feelings for him."

I pulled my too-much-closed-smile face and let that go and laughed, he ruffled my hair again and said "you're okay kiddo."

(side note: every dream I have with K in it he is always telling me this! The same thing be used to say irl years ago.)

Girlfriend came in and started getting shit at him because he was "distracted" to which he told her to "calm down, we haven't seen eachother in a decade!" and I sat there like, I should go, but he'd shift his eyes to mine in a way that I read as "no, please stay."

That blew over and K and I were sitting opposite eachother on the bed exchanging stories when gf comes in, all done up, and makes out with him for let's say, 30 seconds. He started laughing his way out of it, "what was that!?" 

"I'm heading to the shops, do you want anything?" she said.

"No, no, I'll go a bit later."

to which she proceeded to lean in towards me and gently brush her tongue over my lips and suck on it gently. My eyes went O.O at K. 

"That's her normal," he said as if defeated, looking away. 


I was in the lobby again, people watching. I saw the old group again, and they were giggling excited about something and headed in my direction. 

"Ate ate ate!"

All I thought to myself was shit I don't want to deal with this right now, and then they split right down the middle and revealed one G. I wanted to run up and hug him so fucking tight but I could barely move. It seemed I was so nervous and excited, all I ended up doing was O.O and then smiling like "whaaaat?" type. He was smiling at me the whole time... they went to the lifts. He disappeared into them and all I could think was, "well, that's the last time I'll see him forever I bet." hahaha! #anticlimax

They didn't take too long before they were in the lobby again, and this time they sat in a group of chairs on the other side of the room. I thought to myself can we not play games here as well? But then I ended up walking to them, to go through them, to the lifts and as I passed them, I paused in front of G and said, "meet me on the roof." to which he smiled and said okay, and they all said "oooooo." 

Then I think the dream skipped the roof or I just can't remember it, but next scene I remember he was on a stairwell holding EJ by the collar of his shirt who had slipped through a gap in the railings. I saw his glasses hit the floor, his goggles, his bible, his wallet." I slipped through the same gap purposefully and jumped, "I'll get it."

I came back up and G had pulled him in. They were sitting on the steps. I passed EJs stuff to him and G looked up at me. In a way, I felt good to have been a team with him and see him strong like that, in another way I knew I had such bad timing always. I excused myself and left.