I sit here slightly intoxicated to pass the time I take packing my suitcase for the Nth time. This time with direction and purpose and all these wonderful things. I am going to Barcelona, and somehow all the shit that tore me down before led me exactly to it.
You never know what lies ahead and this is the one thing I have learnt to accept in the past year, though I still accept it with this kind of warm heaviness. It is kind of everything opposite to what you grow up learning, which is what tends to happen if your plan A, B and C have all failed I suppose. But in a way I've learned to love it because it's taught me exactly everything I needed to know to fill them empty spaces in my heart, and the confusion in my mind. I've learnt the value of friendship, people, appreciating things that I'd overlook before, treasuring the big things as uncertain as they may be.
And that is beauty, but it still weighs heavy on me, because I still hope for the best things and the most wonderful things.
In these 2 years of recovery I have learnt how resilient my heart is, how stubborn my head is, how gung-ho my spirit is and how young my eyes are. I've learnt to accept all these things exactly the way they are, and even fight for them. If it means I stand on my own I will.
I've learnt the most beautiful people are the most vulnerable. I've learnt I've found real friends. I've learnt things aren't always what they seem, and I've learnt that it's okay to abandon everything to start again. I've learnt to choose what to let go, and what to hang on to.
And I start to get teary eyed because, as you grow up you talk less and less about these things to the people you love, because everyone has their own shit to deal with and to be honest, if I could pour my heart out to anyone it would take a mile.
I want so much for myself, for myself, my family, my love-to-be? my kids to be? It's a funny thing to think that, but I really do think of all of it lately. I try to envision a life where I am as strong and able as I can be, nurturing and loving beautiful people I call home. It looks to be a weakness in a lot of context these days, but I think it's what I live for. Love. And a year or so ago I'd agree with everyone and call it weak, but these days it is my strength.
I am many things. Could I ever say I was brave, strong, independent, grounded before? No. Can I say it now? For the most part, yes, I think so. There's a lot that still terrifies me, and so much that, if I spent a second longer thinking about I could cry to, but I choose not to.
I can not wait to live the rest of my life. I can't wait to unfold the next chapter. I am curious as to how I will handle things and how everything will unfold. But if I've ever had anything it is my intuition, and my intuition tells me everything will work out just right.
Cheers, to second chances and hearts renewed. And to life and all the little things that I have learned to love so much.