Thursday, November 13, 2014
It took me that long to get diagnosed and it's been the 3rd day since that and I've been waking up with the same feelings I had two years ago.
I never thought this would materialise. I've always known that I think a bit differently than the next person. Something in my life finally broke me. I was trying so hard not to let him win and it turns out I've been doing exactly everything I shouldn't have been doing.
I know I'm responsible for my life, I know I've made so many stupid decisions. I know I need to be stronger and get out there again but I always wind up here. Everything is an effort. And I'm sick to death of feeling this way.
I'm speechless and in shock, for the first time I'm not seeking answers on my own because I'm scared I start doing the wrong things for myself.
I don't plan on being this way my whole fucking life. I've things in my head that paralyse me, questions and things I'll probably never have. And things that I want so badly. Does it invalidate me knowing I'm not well in the head? I know what I want for myself. I don't blame people for not believing me. I don't believe me sometimes too. Everything feels so hopeless. I so can't wait til Monday. I'm so sick of this shit.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
"I was in the winter of my life, and the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself, dancing and laughing and crying with them. Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour, and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times.
I was a singer - not a very popular one, I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet, but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken.
But I didn't really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it to know what true freedom is. When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I'd been living, they asked me why - but there's no use in talking to people who have home. They have no idea what it's like to seek safety in other people - for home to be wherever you lay your head.
I was always an unusual girl. My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality; just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean... And if I said I didn't plan for it to turn out this way I'd be lying...
Because I was born to be the other woman.
Who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone.
Who had nothing, who wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it, and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me."
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
I am obsessed with Sex And The City. I've tried to get into it before with no success but these days I guess everything's just a little more relatable (I guess a kinder way of saying, I'm not getting any younger).
"There's some real truth about you. I can vouch for you."
I won't ever forget those words leaving my friend's lips. That's the best thing you could ask for in a friendship, I think. Every so often when I'm feeling down, I wonder what it is that I give to people that make me worth their time. Sometimes I get so clouded in my head I can't even remember who I am or what I want anymore. That's when it really helps, I guess.
I was on the right path when I first left home; I had life by the balls back then, but I was young, extremely naive, extremely happy and about to make the worst decisions of my life. For some strange reason (that isn't so strange afterall), I turned my first priority to fixing a relationship that was never meant to have happened in the first place. For four years I did that.
That's what happens when you and the guy have no common values and very different priorities -- if that wasn't obvious enough already. And then I decided to make the most retarded decision of my life by jumping into a relationship with a psycho. So.
I spent about 6 years focused on - not me.
Point is, I never thought Carrie Bradshaw from Sex And The City would be a character I'd be relating to. She's a dream for any woman who neglected herself for so long and that - untameable side to her, so to speak. I'm probably romanticising that a little bit, but whatever it is, it isn't square.
Just finished the second season of SATC and it ends with some beautiful words from Carrie, as she watches her ex, Mr Big crawl into his limo with his new fiance. She says to herself:
"Then I had a thought. Maybe I didn't break Big. Maybe the problem was he couldn't break me. Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free, until they find someone just as wild to run with."