Friday, March 13, 2015

my definitely maybe

So I am drunk as I type this, a little high off prescribed things, and very sleep deprived. It's made for an interesting day, and I've had a pretty interesting week.

I've been holding back just typing my thoughts sporadically from this thing just cos I know what thinking too much does to me. Not good. But after a little meltdown yesterday, realisation and a motherfucking huge wake up call, I'm going to try and do this more, because:

1. Catharsis
2. Better here than anywhere else
3. Who fucking cares. :)

TBH there are times I get so pissed or so frustrated with myself I end up typing a full entry on here; but I tend to just save those as drafts and I end up deleting them later. This is about nurturing only the good stuff right? You are the wolf you feed and all this. Yeah, well. That only gets you so far I think. Anyway.

I can't really believe where I'm at. I'm starting to realise I trick myself a lot. And it isn't that I don't know it, it's that I refuse to believe it cos that thing in my chest that I blame everything for - and actually has no mental faculties. :p

But anyway I was talking to someone who's been so special to me for the past 6 months? Wow it's been half a year. Anyway this person has slowly become a wolf in my life — and it's not in the usual way. It's in a pretty shit way actually and he'll admit that himself. But getting to know him, and having his presence in my life has been the biggest wake up call I've ever had.

My nickname for him is Devil Man, so we'll call him Devil Man from here on. He is exactly my opposite. He's an Engineer, all logic, all action, no words, no fluff. Never patronises me, never tries to woo me. I used to hate that. Now I love it - is that fucked up? He is brutally honest and he will always tell me things as they are, even if he knows it'll hurt me. I used to tease him about that 70% honesty setting in that movie. Why can't I remember the movie. 

Anyway, you know what it is having someone who is your polar opposite try to understand the way you rationalise, forgive, love, explore; it is a motherfucking nightmare. Says I talk it riddles. That means I could never understand him either, yeah? Here's the thing. If I didn't meet this guy, I'd probably still be ptsding like crazy, still be in coma, still be hating myself, still be hating the world lol.

Like I always say - peace, love and goodwill to man! Unless you iz a mf. 

I hate that about myself - that I never come to any of these realisations fast enough or from any of my own experience. I have to learn everything the hard way, always. Stubborn be me. — He doubted me. I think that's the main part of it. Most people don't doubt me. Most people don't doubt me to my face anyway. There has not been anyone who doubted me in a legitimately respectful way (before we started fighting like crazy lol) that it made me think. And think and think and think. Was this guy manipulating me? Is this guy trying to get something out of me? Why's he such an asshole sometimes? Who knows. But as far as I'm concerned, I trust this one, not with my heart but with everything else in existence pretty much. If I became Anja Queen of the Universe, he would make a fucking good advisor. Or you know - I'd say he could rule the universe but he is a mf greedy bastard and he knows it. Greedy people don't make good rulers. Also power hungry people. So if you ever meet anyone who says they want to rule the Universe, run away fast. That was my ex. And also me I realise — but above statement was a joke. Let's me correct that to: if I was a mother I would trust him with my kids. 


He also reads this blog. :p

It got to a point where he became the only one in my life I listened to. Ever. That means, he ended up being able to tell me something and I'd do it. I've never been that way with anyone before. One of my old friends once told another friend of mine, "beg her." — to which my other friend (who's like Devil in a lot of ways actually) says, "you don't know her. She never does anything unless she thinks of it herself."

So that's a trait. I think it's good and bad.

Anyway, ended up going to see a psychologist when I did, thanks to him. Ended up ending things with so much of my past. Thing about him is he says what I already know in my head, but he'd do it with no remorse. And that challenges me; and I like a challenge, and then slowly things kind of unveil themselves by themselves; and he's always right. Well when it comes to others. :p 

It's kind of like — if you put a thought into the Universe and question it enough times, an answer will come of it. That's what happens when I think too much. It's not entirely useless sometimes I guess. :p

I said to him last night, "hey, I'm stupid or something right?" and he replies, "stupid heart." We talked about his daughter and how he was teaching her chess and piano - sounds like me yknow, the kid is like 5 or something. Anyway I told him, "don't make her too smart or she'll end up thinking too much." He replies, "yeah dumb people are happier."

There are so few things we agree on; but when we've been tested we've stood up for eachother and I've never felt more valued by a man in my life. And he is not the type to prove himself to anyone. He is steady as a rock, a total cynic, built for speed and so untrusting - but so much soul, so much passion (and he wouldn't even call it that). He hates poetry. Say things as they are, he will tell me. 

I get a vague understanding of what he'd become before I came into his life. He's told me that I've been the only one able to reach his heart in a decade. The good thing about him not being a words person is when he says something you know 1. it wasn't easy for him to (he hates inflating people's egos) 2. he means it. 

I never expected us to become what we have become. Which is nothing, and everything at the same time. Because we both know that there will eventually be an end to all this — even if it hasn't been anything in a while. But there is something undeniable about two people who have hidden nothing from eachother. He's made me cry, and I've managed to hurt him too — this thing we call love; it is pain if you start in shitty circumstances. No shit Sherlock. 

I used to doubt him too yknow but it's kind of come to this: I am thankful that he came into my life the way he did. Sometimes we do shit things, sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people, sometimes we do nothing for our own good but out of all of the bullshit I am proud to say I know that guy; and if i ever had to kill for him I would. 

That's my extreme statement of the day. 

And that's my first appreciation post in a decade pretty sure. I'll carry a piece of him everywhere I go from now on. And that's a mf record, considering. And why I trust Devils more than Angels. 

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