Thursday, November 26, 2015

My rollercoaster mind

I've always wondered if everyone felt the way I felt in their own bodies. If this was the normal and why are they better at hiding their struggle. 

Feel like I'm going through this massive learning curve and kind of wish I had my closer friends around me now but this is probably for the best. With all the madness, I'm able to look at things on hindsight given a couple days.

I'm watching how I handle everything and  today was prime example of how I woke up ready for bloody anything, lunch with a friend then half way through exploring my mood changed. I wanted to go home alla sudden. And then after that I had the hardest time replying to anything with a smile on my face. I had a million other things in my head and I couldn't pay attention to anything being said. It comes off awkward sometimes.

When I got home I got into another high. I was playing music on repeat, dancing, singing and typing essays of updates to other friends. Then come 9pm, I'm down again. Bizarre.

I'd suffered mild depression my whole life sometimes severe through several of the chapters then PTSD and trauma and now I think the end result are these crazy highs, and crazy lows. I never thought I would cycle through this in my adult life but having to start again and make a life for myself on the otherside of the world has really pushed me. And I've really struggled. The highs and lows come faster because of the stress I guess. 

My regular verbal diarrhoea to several friends during hypomania was something I've regretted constantly the past few weeks, and I can only imagine what it's like on their side. Kind of hate imagining that. And then just going from the world is mine! To I wanna die, I wanna go home. And they get that too. 

So anyway, psychologist tomorrow and hopefully I'm prescribed the right stuff. 

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