Tuesday, March 3, 2015

"I'm not myself tonight."

"I'm not myself tonight."

I've always thought that this statement held no real value. I've always thought identity is fluid and people have so many different sides to themselves, in different shades, and in different circumstances. 

That held through til I actually lost myself, having let die the different parts of myself in all their shades and in no circumstances. It's been so weird since.

I'm okay now, finally, but everything is so different and I find myself wondering -- is this my normal?

Because it is different when you don't really know your actions affect your outcome. And what I mean by that is pre-theshit, I lived without much thought. Not that I never used my head; just that I always thought everything I did was unquestionable - to me anyway - which is most important is it not? Maybe. The only thought I ever put into my choices and my actions had to do with truth or loyalty or heart or passion or something along those lines. I still value those things the highest but the amount I let seep through perhaps has changed. It isn't that it isn't in me; it's that I know where that's gotten me in the past.

Maybe that's me finally growing up or maybe I'm just dulling. Whatever it is, I'm always on an intersection. I feel like there's so much in me and I have to pick. I have to pick because if I don't pick I will half heartedly be doing everything or, which is more probably the case, frustrate myself to the point of not doing anything at all. All the different shades of me have, for the most part, returned, and I'm in limbo with all of them.

It was only last year I started using my head over my heart. That's a behavioural studies major saying that. And when you use your head, a lot is up in the air, as ironic as that is. I feel like every action I take will inevitably affect the future, which is why even to the slightest hint of hmm I don't know, the walls go up. And then it's always, but what if.

And this applies to everything in my life lately. And the safest solution I can muster to all of that mush is no solution at all. I used to be in chaos where closure was lacking, and lately it's been my safe place; this, I don't know

Because there are things that I do know. And it is weird being out of loop for so long a guy you used to date forgot how much you can drink lol. But what I do know is I dance when I'm happy, I need to quit smoking, I need to get fitter, I want things for myself, my parents - I am inspired by beauty, ugliness, darkness, light - I want to experience as much of life as I can experience and my only fear in life is losing the one I love. Oh and sloths, and those little holes for some retarded reason - we call that trypophobia, thanks Facebook. 

"I'm not myself tonight." 

Yeah absolutely. That's kind of how it is, right? It always comes down to choice - and that's why when the day comes and your mind and heart agree - on anything - it can be pretty sweet. Cos my heart never listens, but at least my head knows that now. 


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