Whenever I doubt myself it takes this sort of thing to empower me-- seeing all the things that are normal to me, put on screen in the most dark and tantalising ways. Top it off with some beautiful piano playing and really, really divine ballet.
It is heavy, but not in the unfamiliar, I'm so curious kind of way that Lecter or Penny Dreadful has. This heaviness mirrored every inch of my past, and present. Every tear I cried in those 5 episodes is me saying, "yes, someone gets it." At some points I would watch my own life unravel and watch the girls react in the exact same ways I did, and do.
I wonder if such emotional vulnerability comes from a place of strength, or weakness. I wonder if trauma and mental illness is known enough. Or accepted as a fucking part of this sore excuse we call for a human race; on justice killing sprees for their own selfish causes and for what? All with a fucking smile and a side of, "hey pal." Throwing out shit at whatever the cost because they don't fucking give a shit about what you've been through. Feeling like they can because of the amount of manipulation they can get away with everywhere else. That's how you win!
"You achieved nothing." Fuck you. FUCK YOU.
And I went on a tangent.
I went from being a fucking loser pity party sorry shell of a person, to, wow Barcelona! You fucking get it! Am I crazy? Yes, okay, but who the fuck isn't yeah. I just have a fucking preference to the kind that doesn't fucking hide shit! People on the other fucking side of the planet are more real and kind hearted serving my fucking café con leche than half the shit I know that says oh hi hello so I can stroke their fucking ego. Fuck you.
you fucking see all my internal dialogue in that series. Everything. And I hope everyone that loves me or has loved me, gets to watch that shit I would LOVE to hear their thoughts because I am pretty fucking sure, if you don't like it, you don't really like me. Or fucking accept me. Whole. As past present and future. And if that's too fucking woo-woo for you, think bigger. Try a dildo up your fucking asshole and tell me if that doesn't actually make you want to cummmmm.