On the topic of: Meaning

Over the past year I've realised, I add meaning where there is no meaning. And I've thought about it well, it just comes natural to me because like most, you see the world as you are. It could have made me feel outright delusional having assumed the greater more colourful story line at every point if I had not met the people I did in Barcelona. 

Barcelona changed me in a lot of ways. To know that there is a whole army of people who express love in the same way as you coming from a place of authenticity where it never was an act (yay!) is probably my go-to thought as of late, when I draw the bar for which I set my standards.

I've also realised that no matter what you've been through or where you've been, you're still in your own company at the end of the day. I am even stretching to the notion where I could  be sleeping next to someone, but it won't even be that same thing anymore. Because now I want strength, not codependency. I want it so it's like, two people on separate paths that cross more frequently than most and when they do it is the purest moment -- always "home" -- and when you look at them you are looking at the extension of your very own being -- and it is a feeling of comfort, peace, confidence, strength and so much love it does not have to be said.

And I feel most at home when I can be my purest self with someone I trust and love, but I've realised that being this way, even if you trust and love them, to someone that doesn't come from the same place can inflict the worst kind of pain.

Sometimes people think I'm a little idiotic, and it's okay to step on me. It's hard for me to express the point sometimes, because I can't believe it just isn't known. I've always encouraged people to be their most outspoken, authentic self around me -- because that's where real bond is built for me. Without it, I find it waste of time, energy -- because I am being that authentic self with you. So if I'm displacing it, then that's my own fault. But my approach is always this -- over time, you learn about someone -- gaps that needed filling get filled, questions you have get answered -- and I'm not the type to cut someone off because they've behaved really poorly towards me (except the one), because after time and immersion with that person, I stop taking it personally. Even to the questionable characters - I stop taking that personally. I will still honour you as a human being, but it will only ever go so far, you know?

I think that allowing people to reveal their ugliest side helps in some way. They might think I'm a doormat, but they don't know I'm actually watching them. When people like me it's generally because they think I'm smart -- I don't really know how they forget sometimes. Maybe because I struggle a lot. Maybe forgiveness looks stupid to some people.

Whenever I am upset, it's out of disbelief and betrayal that I was revealing my authentic self to said person, and that was taken for granted. 

This week I've found out, my passionate, hyper self is actually really calm with the right company (he will be called Z). My mind can be on 10 different planets at the same time but with the right person, I'm no where else. So much so I haven't had a suicidal episode in 2 weeks. So much so I'm starting to wonder about the relationship I have with myself, and what it could turn into, if I start to treat myself the way said person (Z) treats me.

Before I left Barcelona, my housemate who became a big brother of sorts, Alfonso, told me something like, "I really hope you have become closer to yourself, discovered more of yourself after this, and more so when you are back in Australia."

You know sometimes you can be the clumsiest, craziest, or reserved, observant, whatever - but around the right company, you really don't need to explain yourself.

 “So many went on a quest to tame her,
The only man to win her heart was the one
Who was also free.”
― Nikki Rowe

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.”
― John Joseph Powell

My rollercoaster mind

I've always wondered if everyone felt the way I felt in their own bodies. If this was the normal and why are they better at hiding their struggle. 

Feel like I'm going through this massive learning curve and kind of wish I had my closer friends around me now but this is probably for the best. With all the madness, I'm able to look at things on hindsight given a couple days.

I'm watching how I handle everything and  today was prime example of how I woke up ready for bloody anything, lunch with a friend then half way through exploring my mood changed. I wanted to go home alla sudden. And then after that I had the hardest time replying to anything with a smile on my face. I had a million other things in my head and I couldn't pay attention to anything being said. It comes off awkward sometimes.

When I got home I got into another high. I was playing music on repeat, dancing, singing and typing essays of updates to other friends. Then come 9pm, I'm down again. Bizarre.

I'd suffered mild depression my whole life sometimes severe through several of the chapters then PTSD and trauma and now I think the end result are these crazy highs, and crazy lows. I never thought I would cycle through this in my adult life but having to start again and make a life for myself on the otherside of the world has really pushed me. And I've really struggled. The highs and lows come faster because of the stress I guess. 

My regular verbal diarrhoea to several friends during hypomania was something I've regretted constantly the past few weeks, and I can only imagine what it's like on their side. Kind of hate imagining that. And then just going from the world is mine! To I wanna die, I wanna go home. And they get that too. 

So anyway, psychologist tomorrow and hopefully I'm prescribed the right stuff. 

I know nothing. I know love.

It could go two ways. You either know more and become the biggest expert on everything, or know more and know nothing. I'm the latter. I'm largely an idealist and have been for my entire life. I think based on fear systems instilled in me as a child where I thought being a good person was the ultimate goal in life. Not to say I blame my childhood, but there's no denying that the smallest things that happen in life, unconsciously turn into habits when you do not place some kind of authority on the autonomy you have in e v e r y damn situation. And for me, I've realised the only way I can function in some kind of functional way is to dismiss that kind of autonomy and stand behind my ego, or my person. For lack of better explanation, I have realised that my awareness of being a person with potential, holds me back from realising any kind of potential.

When I started teaching, we were chucked into the deep end and I was teaching lessons on day 2. If you know me, you'd know that this is something I fucking despise in life, being put on the spot or, given no time to mentally prepare for something totally out of my arena so to speak. I burnt out in the second week and cried in the bathroom with no one knowing, twice. In between lessons and during our lunch break. I was fucking dismantled that second weekend and I was ready to call it quits. 

Then I realised I'd already done two weeks, and in the same way I submit to my feelings of depression and suicide, I decided to submit to the progression of life. Which is funny because individualist conversation we all know and love is very proactive and fabulously assertive. Somehow, I managed to get through the second half of training with no relapses, while others were having them in the 3rd/4th week.

I'm in no way bragging. I don't understand half of it, but this whole part of the trip called "finding myself" has really been in action if not anything else. I am now so familiar with my strengths—of which are few and far between, but quite reliable! And my weaknesses, which I don't term weakness as in this whole process I have found out, apologising for who you are is the worst thing you can do to yourself, and sets you up for a myriad of other stressful things waiting to happen.

I rewatched an old favourite film called "Mirrormask" and for me, I was mostly watching it with how it made me feel when I was younger in mind. But for D he saw it and gathered all sorts of insight. One being the scene with all the Sphinx house cats and they advised Helena and Valentine, "don't let them see your fear," which is basically how it is for everything in life.

In life, becoming independent and creating a life for yourself requires exactly that. And that is something I've not ever been able to achieve if not for this entire experience here. I've issues with bureaucracy and these unsolved obstacles they did not footnote in our disclosures and I'm only the same as everyone else but then I wonder, if I am the same then why am I the only one who wants to go back home?

I have never in my life experienced so much love and care from a group of people I have only known for a month. We've all left our homes to start new lives here and I don't think I could be luckier to have been put in this group. Absolute rockstars. And forget the politics for a second because this rainbow of people have taught me one thing: never abandon who you are.

I could have come out to a few of my new found friends that I had depressive tendencies and oh by the way if I disappear off the face of the earth for a while it's because I'm in a hole, don't take it personally. But chick, I couldn't bring myself to it they were all such legends. And even that one bum class i taught where I was basically in a hole, at school with incredulously bleak cognitive functioning, feeling so fucking alien because why am I the only one burnt out so early-even then, they smiled at me and encouraged me, "you'll be right."

Which is basically half of my internal dialogue now. I'm so foreign and so homesick and should be really grabbing teaching by the balls here, at least for a little bit, even without the bureaucracy sorted, but I've coasted. And I coasted and I've applied for positions back home that I would've never for the life of me thought I could do. And now I can. So I figure, ok there's that. And then I figure, if you are gonna stay here then at least do something. 

I'm trying to turn my life into a series of meaningful, positive events that will build my character and person into a woman I can be proud of. And I've found out that post-trauma, post anxiety post all of that shit, I'm still one hell of a ride. And I've realised that it takes people who are well familiar with that (personally or through close ties), or people with real openness and huge minds, to get past my initial reservation. 

In the entire training group I have met one real friend. And I've made loads of friends, but this guy and I have more in common than you'd probably expect. And I think there's a vibe to it. And I think we figured that out early. And I digress.

Point is, I'm so beyond knowing anything that I accept, I know nothing. Nothing is my everything. Am I certain about anything in my life? Hell no. Do I miss it? Hell yes. And you can argue nothing is ever certain in life but I will tell you that some people do not know what they  have infront of them, and for someone like me, with nothing but forks in alien roads I will tell you, being certain about anything, and wisely certain about it too, is probably one of the most (strangely enough) liberating things you can experience. Because how fucking great is it to be able to see yourself in your environment, and in others. Honestly, it's not a show for narcissism, but familiarity and home is exactly what makes me feel complete. Can I be complete without it? Maybe. But as much of a gypsy I am in my heart, my mind needs to rest sometimes. I'm pretty old school in my head. Liberated old school. Wine and dine, then call me your little slut. This kind of thing. 

I don't really understand how people become such experts in life. Then again, those are the kinds of people that get what they want. Society supports that! Maybe there's something to it. Maybe that's phase 3. How the hell did so much happen I feel like I'm going through some apocalypse of the old. 

In any case, I've realised that my bravery is the equivalent of me not being so present in myself. Which sounds kind of deluded, but tossing my heart to the wind is the only way I find anything gets done in my life. Somehow, it always works out. Maybe I trust myself that much.

Lady Cypress

She stood in front of me, gun in her left hand, cypress in her right.

"I can't draw the flower without an eraser," I said.

She took me in a rush, smashing her right hand into the table. I shivered so deeply I almost remembered what it felt like as a child. 

"You are not going to be the pathetic end result of all my hard work."

I watched intently as the cypress fell from her hand so gracefully, as if crushing it made it more beautiful. She hastily brushed it off the table, grabbing my neck.

"You pathetic little shit."

She spit on me. I did not flinch. Tears welled from my eyes, unbeknownst to me, trickling slow, like cold lava down my cheeks. The moment it hit the corner of my lips, she threw me backwards off my chair.

"Speak you fucking coward."

My cheek pressed against the soot of the floor, eyes glazed, I caught sight of the cypress again; the little white bulbs of pollen sprinkled so gently, as if deliberate, over its deep red petals. It reminded me of Christmas.

She stood one of her boots on top of it, kicking it towards me dismantled against the friction. I looked up at her, just as I used to with my sweet mother, speaking slow, and sweetly, "Your anger is weakness. You have not lived true pain. I would tell you a story about it, but I'm afraid you haven't got the depth."

"How dare..."

"No," I continued, keeping my pace, "You feel powerful now. I'm on the floor, you're with the gun. How dare you think you are in control here."

She kicked my face, hard. I saw white light and my ears started to ring, my face felt a sensation between numb and burning. I looked up at her again, and this time I smiled.

To second chances and hearts renewed

I sit here slightly intoxicated to pass the time I take packing my suitcase for the Nth time. This time with direction and purpose and all these wonderful things. I am going to Barcelona, and somehow all the shit that tore me down before led me exactly to it.

You never know what lies ahead and this is the one thing I have learnt to accept in the past year, though I still accept it with this kind of warm heaviness. It is kind of everything opposite to what you grow up learning, which is what tends to happen if your plan A, B and C have all failed I suppose. But in a way I've learned to love it because it's taught me exactly everything I needed to know to fill them empty spaces in my heart, and the confusion in my mind. I've learnt the value of friendship, people, appreciating things that I'd overlook before, treasuring the big things as uncertain as they may be.

And that is beauty, but it still weighs heavy on me, because I still hope for the best things and the most wonderful things.

In these 2 years of recovery I have learnt how resilient my heart is, how stubborn my head is, how gung-ho my spirit is and how young my eyes are. I've learnt to accept all these things exactly the way they are, and even fight for them. If it means I stand on my own I will.

I've learnt the most beautiful people are the most vulnerable. I've learnt I've found real friends. I've learnt things aren't always what they seem, and I've learnt that it's okay to abandon everything to start again. I've learnt to choose what to let go, and what to hang on to.

And I start to get teary eyed because, as you grow up you talk less and less about these things to the people you love, because everyone has their own shit to deal with and to be honest, if I could pour my heart out to anyone it would take a mile.

I want so much for myself, for myself, my family, my love-to-be? my kids to be? It's a funny thing to think that, but I really do think of all of it lately. I try to envision a life where I am as strong and able as I can be, nurturing and loving beautiful people I call home. It looks to be a weakness in a lot of context these days, but I think it's what I live for. Love. And a year or so ago I'd agree with everyone and call it weak, but these days it is my strength.

I am many things. Could I ever say I was brave, strong, independent, grounded before? No. Can I say it now? For the most part, yes, I think so. There's a lot that still terrifies me, and so much that, if I spent a second longer thinking about I could cry to, but I choose not to.

I can not wait to live the rest of my life. I can't wait to unfold the next chapter. I am curious as to how I will handle things and how everything will unfold. But if I've ever had anything it is my intuition, and my intuition tells me everything will work out just right.

Cheers, to second chances and hearts renewed. And to life and all the little things that I have learned to love so much.

If you want the world

If you want the world, take it.
If you can't take it, work towards it.
If you can't work towards it, let it go.

If you can't let it go, never bloody quit until it's yours, or die trying!

Because if it is between knowing the difference between joy and ecstasy and choosing between, I choose the latter. Or die being happy that I never chose anything less than that.

Love Flow — Creating Space to Grow

I have somehow managed to regulate my joy where it isn't something so fleeting where I have to keep my hands off the wheel when I've hit a low, for a week, two weeks, til the next fleeting moment. 

In the past few months, it's safe to say that I've accepted that I am a little more emotionally charged than the next person, which doesn't mean I like drama or such things, but I do absorb the energy from the people I keep contact with. I've also accepted everyone is different — and so, put two and two together, if I am tired, confused, uninspired after being around certain people, I stop communication.

And guess what? It has woooooorked. I am happy and free and I am not scared of the future! Well, I'm hella nervous about Spain haha but, really not scared of the future anymore. 

If you end up with yourself and the right company; people who inspire you and believe in you, and have similar passions and direction, energy as you, you will slowly find yourself focusing 100% on only the great things in life! It is you breaking up with everything that disagrees with your soul. And lately I say, is that not the wisest way to live?

Now I'm enjoying things I never would have before; things I would've rushed through just to get to the next bit. Is it not the journey more than the destination? I've been told this and now I can happily attest to it! And when your mind is clear there is so much more you can do to realise your potential and I am grateful for every fucking miserable thing that happened to me, that brought me to where I am and made me who I am, right in this moment.

Ex Machina, the Imitation Game, and suicide

This isn't a review really.

I so love movies that explore human nature, particularly those that extend further to hypothesise. I finally watched Ex Machina which I think deserved more screen time than it got. It would be so interesting to explore the same concept in some pseudo-candid way, I think especially coupled with existentialist dilemma and conclusion of man vs. machine in the way they presented it. It was brill, I haven't checked if they're making a second one but I hope they do.

After I watched that I went through the rest of the list and they had the Imitation Game which had me curious because -- Benedict Cumberbatch -- anything with that guy in it has me curious because of the roles he's played in past. And then I read the synopsis where I found out the movie is a tribute to Alan Turing, which was what Ex Machina centrally explored in its post modern, post mortem way - if I may. Haha. I wasn't aware of the Turing test prior. The Imitation Game had me in tears, not the simple kind.

Both movies explored human nature in such profound ways; both celebrating the true genius of man as his own suicide. 

I could comment on both and draw on their parallels but I won't. Instead I took out my phone and typed out quick in my notes "bipolar continuum" -- with no relation to mental illness -- but maybe some if you look from far. 

If we were to stand on the plane of our consciousness, around us is our scattered selves; I believe to be our rawest selves. You can walk and hop from fragment to fragment finding patterns in the way you choose where to step next -- let's call that "energy." Then there is thin silver that lines the perimeter which consists of all accumulated knowledge and experience from past- let's call that "reason." 

Genius, I believe, is discovered in "energy" state; just as Nathan uses Pollock as an example; he left out the fact that the guy died in a drunk, angry car crash as well. Most all I have heard of: artists, musicians, thinkers, that live in their energy, die in their energy as well. When all these people undoubtedly contributed better to the world, who makes it out alive? It is do or die and inevitably, they kill themselves. 

Who lives on? 

Important to know what is important to you I think; for sake of the life you live and the company you keep. Energy, reason, or a balance of both. When in even the balance of both I believe you compromise potential. Reason alone leaves you with hardly any room for faith, and energy alone will drive you to suicide. it's madness! These days I'm not sure anymore. :)) Sometimes life puts you in positions where you must act; on reason, energy, or both-- if you're just bumbling around I guess there's less of that, but I never want to be that.  so I fling myself to the winds and do my best - that's okay too I think. 

Like I'm passionately running blind through some morbid labyrinth with my arms stretched out in front hoping they don't get chopped off, but if they do... they're just my arms!!! Maybe I can find some discarded AI and sew a new one for me on. :D

26 años, ¡Salud!

Estoy muy agradecida. No se todo me llevan aqui. Lecion muy importante: confia en ti misma. La vida es muy loca y bella. Y mas, todo tiene una razon. :))

Y mas, familia no es de sangre, y esta vale. I will do what I want, I will love what I do y voy proteger mi corazon como un guerrera! Suavemente y fuerte tambien.

Safe to say the best chapter of my life is around the corner, or perhaps it has already begun. Las estrellas estan en mi corazon, y ¡finalmente!,  en mis ojos tambien.

--- In a not-so nutshell ---

I'm not sure why I think I am always so full of great ideas. I've relapsed. And it's not something I've been fighting with, it's slowly creeped to become a reality. I'm not sure how viable success and happiness for me is anymore. They will say use your pain as fuel to your fire but inside me there's this thing that wishes bigotry and pigheadedness be wiped off the face of the Earth. But it's not the case. So what am I going to do about it? If I could rewind I wouldn't have done a lot of the things I did, or given up anything I had passions in. I'm 25 and everyday I am reminded of how much of a disappointment I am to myself. But from the same mouth, words shouldn't matter. Don't tell that to a poet.

I've accepted this thing about me that I've tried to fight against for years and that is my heart. I am not sure if I've become deluded in that - in spirit and heart, soul. Because in philosophy they only cover mind/body theorem. That means who I am is pretty irrelevant right? To the functioning world of today.

I was okay. I was more than okay, I was doing myself proud with help and encouragement from people I trust. That was fine. Tell me why everytime I am almost there I decide to add an extra step thinking it'll get me further. 

To most people they wouldn't even bat an eyelid at the thought and just shrug it off. I am not sure why everything weighs on me; why I can't just be thick skinned or a little more selfish. Because I get there's a narcissism in feeling sorry for yourself; but it extends a little further.

I've first hand experience with the worst kind of people there can be. Maybe not the worst; maybe I'm lucky. But what I've seen and what I experience makes me wonder how it is people like this exist. So okay, there's nothing you can do about it. The world is good/bad all working in unison somehow - so just go out and get what you want; when I've been so exposed to people with the highest sense of entitlement. Where am I going with this. 

I keep waiting for someone to fight for me. I'm not sure why. When I am alone this doesn't happen -- when I'm in company I can't understand why it does. I want to go running daily. Running daily isn't even allowed here. This was my proudest achievement in years - 9km in 35 minutes or whatever alien record I held. Who even does that? Well it's frowned upon here. Why am I so sensitive? And I do it for myself - if I do it for myself why do I care for other's feedback? Is it because it comes from the person who never offered me shelter when I was being abused? I'm not really sure why I give a shit.

And then there are the people that are so set on truth. Who's truth? Theirs? Most likely not the actual truth and most probably the most slimey, misinformed opinion of you. Because some posts ago I wrote big about someone who I thought spoke truth like Truth. Turns out the someone was a phoney and what the fuck else do you expect? I'm a sick romantic who loves ideology. 

Do you know that relapsing has opened my eyes to too much. I've thought for days on this but I am pretty sure I can empathise with those cases you hear who have completely lost it. Or when you see those homeless people on the streets, addicts, talking to themselves with no concept of reality anymore-- cos I can easily, easily ask myself: what is real? And come up with nothing. That's where im at.

There's a lot of fluff. The other day I was thinking to myself how we fill water jugs, then pour water into glasses, before drinking it. Who thinks of these things? Point being, why? Also-- why is there so much need for hype. I watched the trailer for the Avengers sequel and I was half looking forward to seeing Hemsworth, and then he let off into some great chorus, and I sat there thinking, okay then. And then I thought, why? 

I'm tired. I have a friend who is like a big brother to me and been through similar circumstance, with same heart and same love in him. He brings me back. I can break my face laughing at the dialogue we have. I'm lucky like that. 

The world is passing me by and I am on a stand still. It's almost May -- what have I accomplished? Feels like I've gone back to years to square one; minus the panic, which can't be a good thing. 

I still want what I want, and that I've always dreamed of its no coping mechanism. It's lasted forever. If I'm happy I know I'll only want to share that.

What is love?

I've learnt that most people who claim to love, actually don't. I was talking to brother about it; a lot say it for personal gain, or as some kind of way to feel okay about themselves, or some way to control someone or power trip. And that's all okay for some people -- but if you do that to me I see that, and I'm gonna call you out until you either a. admit it yourself or b. fuck off. And let's be honest, majority of those people haven't the balls to admit shit. But that's love to them; honey don't even try to save them, it will only ruin you.

I've tried countless times, with four people in my existence; and I don't say life cos 3 aren't in my life anymore. Whatever. Anyway, last speech I had on love was ill received to say the least. I'm done trying to love broken people. Loving broken people breaks you 10 fold. Don't do it. And I'm using the word broken because as much as I want to say; oh people are just different because of circumstance and jaded because of experience, I won't. Because to me there's two types of people in this world:

1. The kind that ask why, look inside themselves, better themselves, encourage others -- the Kings and queens I call them. Gold people. and,

2. those not. 

I'm keeping quiet til I have something to say for myself. Because as much as its tiring for you to believe in me and my dreams, I'm starting to get sick of it too. Also shamed. and just general uselessness. Until I'm walking my talk. 6am -- it's bed time. I hope I can look back on this post and laugh my ass off one day. 

To the few that read my blog: I love you and I'm sorry I'm like this. Just don't want to miss all the best bits. I'm spoiling yall rotten when the time comes. I know you worry. Don't wait for me, but don't forget me when I've arrived. X

The stars are in my head

I hang my wrist from balcony rail, tapping silently while I sway. Clear skies and not a cloud in sight. I'm playing a song by Stromae, Tous Les Mêmes, blurring my vision to make the Earth like starry-night, feeding my whims of independence and glamour days from now. I'm a creature, freed, filled with memories of ecstasy and enchantment, breathing in darkness, breathing out gold dust. I can't sing into the night but I still remember how it feels. 

let me rest.

If there is one thing I pray for it is simply that I always wake up to every tomorrow believing in love, goodness and grace -- never allowing myself to turn into a cynic with her walls so high no one can reach her.

There is a lot inside me that has turned to stone. There is a lot that I silence, and a lot that I pass off as a sense of humour. I won't go there.

May I exercise discernment and quick wit, trusting myself fast enough to always be one step ahead, and not someone who's read all the spoilers and chooses to forget. 

I can shift my thoughts there in a second and I feel my heart scrunch up. This is called heart break. If you experience it enough times kiddo, you can ignore it. 

From now on I hold my own heart, and the only person I give it to is the one who holds it the same if not better than how I do. So time to step the game up. That's a memo to myself.

There is more love than romantic love and this is the love I am going to focus on. Let's not call this love duck thing a personality flaw, shall we? Let's say I'm just fucking fantastic this way.

Time to #wizeup. Time to have fun. 

my definitely maybe

So I am drunk as I type this, a little high off prescribed things, and very sleep deprived. It's made for an interesting day, and I've had a pretty interesting week.

I've been holding back just typing my thoughts sporadically from this thing just cos I know what thinking too much does to me. Not good. But after a little meltdown yesterday, realisation and a motherfucking huge wake up call, I'm going to try and do this more, because:

1. Catharsis

2. Better here than anywhere else

3. Who fucking cares. :)

TBH there are times I get so pissed or so frustrated with myself I end up typing a full entry on here; but I tend to just save those as drafts and I end up deleting them later. This is about nurturing only the good stuff right? You are the wolf you feed and all this. Yeah, well. That only gets you so far I think. Anyway.

I can't really believe where I'm at. I'm starting to realise I trick myself a lot. And it isn't that I don't know it, it's that I refuse to believe it cos that thing in my chest that I blame everything for - and actually has no mental faculties. :p

But anyway I was talking to someone who's been so special to me for the past 6 months? Wow it's been half a year. Anyway this person has slowly become a wolf in my life — and it's not in the usual way. It's in a pretty shit way actually and he'll admit that himself. But getting to know him, and having his presence in my life has been the biggest wake up call I've ever had.

My nickname for him is Devil Man, so we'll call him Devil Man from here on. He is exactly my opposite. He's an Engineer, all logic, all action, no words, no fluff. Never patronises me, never tries to woo me. I used to hate that. Now I love it - is that fucked up? He is brutally honest and he will always tell me things as they are, even if he knows it'll hurt me. I used to tease him about that 70% honesty setting in that movie. Why can't I remember the movie. 

Anyway, you know what it is having someone who is your polar opposite try to understand the way you rationalise, forgive, love, explore; it is a motherfucking nightmare. Says I talk it riddles. That means I could never understand him either, yeah? Here's the thing. If I didn't meet this guy, I'd probably still be ptsding like crazy, still be in coma, still be hating myself, still be hating the world lol.

Like I always say - peace, love and goodwill to man! Unless you iz a mf. 

I hate that about myself - that I never come to any of these realisations fast enough or from any of my own experience. I have to learn everything the hard way, always. Stubborn be me. — He doubted me. I think that's the main part of it. Most people don't doubt me. Most people don't doubt me to my face anyway. There has not been anyone who doubted me in a legitimately respectful way (before we started fighting like crazy lol) that it made me think. And think and think and think. Was this guy manipulating me? Is this guy trying to get something out of me? Why's he such an asshole sometimes? Who knows. But as far as I'm concerned, I trust this one, not with my heart but with everything else in existence pretty much. If I became Anja Queen of the Universe, he would make a fucking good advisor. Or you know - I'd say he could rule the universe but he is a mf greedy bastard and he knows it. Greedy people don't make good rulers. Also power hungry people. So if you ever meet anyone who says they want to rule the Universe, run away fast. That was my ex. And also me I realise — but above statement was a joke. Let's me correct that to: if I was a mother I would trust him with my kids. 

Better?

He also reads this blog. :p

It got to a point where he became the only one in my life I listened to. Ever. That means, he ended up being able to tell me something and I'd do it. I've never been that way with anyone before. One of my old friends once told another friend of mine, "beg her." — to which my other friend (who's like Devil in a lot of ways actually) says, "you don't know her. She never does anything unless she thinks of it herself."

So that's a trait. I think it's good and bad.

Anyway, ended up going to see a psychologist when I did, thanks to him. Ended up ending things with so much of my past. Thing about him is he says what I already know in my head, but he'd do it with no remorse. And that challenges me; and I like a challenge, and then slowly things kind of unveil themselves by themselves; and he's always right. Well when it comes to others. :p 

It's kind of like — if you put a thought into the Universe and question it enough times, an answer will come of it. That's what happens when I think too much. It's not entirely useless sometimes I guess. :p

I said to him last night, "hey, I'm stupid or something right?" and he replies, "stupid heart." We talked about his daughter and how he was teaching her chess and piano - sounds like me yknow, the kid is like 5 or something. Anyway I told him, "don't make her too smart or she'll end up thinking too much." He replies, "yeah dumb people are happier."

There are so few things we agree on; but when we've been tested we've stood up for eachother and I've never felt more valued by a man in my life. And he is not the type to prove himself to anyone. He is steady as a rock, a total cynic, built for speed and so untrusting - but so much soul, so much passion (and he wouldn't even call it that). He hates poetry. Say things as they are, he will tell me. 

I get a vague understanding of what he'd become before I came into his life. He's told me that I've been the only one able to reach his heart in a decade. The good thing about him not being a words person is when he says something you know 1. it wasn't easy for him to (he hates inflating people's egos) 2. he means it. 

I never expected us to become what we have become. Which is nothing, and everything at the same time. Because we both know that there will eventually be an end to all this — even if it hasn't been anything in a while. But there is something undeniable about two people who have hidden nothing from eachother. He's made me cry, and I've managed to hurt him too — this thing we call love; it is pain if you start in shitty circumstances. No shit Sherlock. 

I used to doubt him too yknow but it's kind of come to this: I am thankful that he came into my life the way he did. Sometimes we do shit things, sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people, sometimes we do nothing for our own good but out of all of the bullshit I am proud to say I know that guy; and if i ever had to kill for him I would. 

That's my extreme statement of the day. 

And that's my first appreciation post in a decade pretty sure. I'll carry a piece of him everywhere I go from now on. And that's a mf record, considering. And why I trust Devils more than Angels. 

"I'm not myself tonight."

"I'm not myself tonight."

I've always thought that this statement held no real value. I've always thought identity is fluid and people have so many different sides to themselves, in different shades, and in different circumstances. 

That held through til I actually lost myself, having let die the different parts of myself in all their shades and in no circumstances. It's been so weird since.

I'm okay now, finally, but everything is so different and I find myself wondering -- is this my normal?

Because it is different when you don't really know your actions affect your outcome. And what I mean by that is pre-theshit, I lived without much thought. Not that I never used my head; just that I always thought everything I did was unquestionable - to me anyway - which is most important is it not? Maybe. The only thought I ever put into my choices and my actions had to do with truth or loyalty or heart or passion or something along those lines. I still value those things the highest but the amount I let seep through perhaps has changed. It isn't that it isn't in me; it's that I know where that's gotten me in the past.

Maybe that's me finally growing up or maybe I'm just dulling. Whatever it is, I'm always on an intersection. I feel like there's so much in me and I have to pick. I have to pick because if I don't pick I will half heartedly be doing everything or, which is more probably the case, frustrate myself to the point of not doing anything at all. All the different shades of me have, for the most part, returned, and I'm in limbo with all of them.

It was only last year I started using my head over my heart. That's a behavioural studies major saying that. And when you use your head, a lot is up in the air, as ironic as that is. I feel like every action I take will inevitably affect the future, which is why even to the slightest hint of hmm I don't know, the walls go up. And then it's always, but what if.

And this applies to everything in my life lately. And the safest solution I can muster to all of that mush is no solution at all. I used to be in chaos where closure was lacking, and lately it's been my safe place; this, I don't know. 

Because there are things that I do know. And it is weird being out of loop for so long a guy you used to date forgot how much you can drink lol. But what I do know is I dance when I'm happy, I need to quit smoking, I need to get fitter, I want things for myself, my parents - I am inspired by beauty, ugliness, darkness, light - I want to experience as much of life as I can experience and my only fear in life is losing the one I love. Oh and sloths, and those little holes for some retarded reason - we call that trypophobia, thanks Facebook. 

"I'm not myself tonight." 

Yeah absolutely. That's kind of how it is, right? It always comes down to choice - and that's why when the day comes and your mind and heart agree - on anything - it can be pretty sweet. Cos my heart never listens, but at least my head knows that now. 

/end 

3

It took me that long to get diagnosed and it's been the 3rd day since that and I've been waking up with the same feelings I had two years ago. 

I never thought this would materialise. I've always known that I think a bit differently than the next person. Something in my life finally broke me. I was trying so hard not to let him win and it turns out I've been doing exactly everything I shouldn't have been doing.

I know I'm responsible for my life, I know I've made so many stupid decisions. I know I need to be stronger and get out there again but I always wind up here. Everything is an effort. And I'm sick to death of feeling this way. 

I'm speechless and in shock, for the first time I'm not seeking answers on my own because I'm scared I start doing the wrong things for myself. 

I don't plan on being this way my whole fucking life. I've things in my head that paralyse me, questions and things I'll probably never have. And things that I want so badly. Does it invalidate me knowing I'm not well in the head? I know what I want for myself. I don't blame people for not believing me. I don't believe me sometimes too. Everything feels so hopeless. I so can't wait til Monday. I'm so sick of this shit.

Ms. Bradshaw

I am obsessed with Sex And The City. I've tried to get into it before with no success but these days I guess everything's just a little more relatable (I guess a kinder way of saying, I'm not getting any younger).  

"There's some real truth about you. I can vouch for you."

I won't ever forget those words leaving my friend's lips. That's the best thing you could ask for in a friendship, I think. Every so often when I'm feeling down, I wonder what it is that I give to people that make me worth their time. Sometimes I get so clouded in my head I can't even remember who I am or what I want anymore. That's when it really helps, I guess.

I was on the right path when I first left home; I had life by the balls back then, but I was young, extremely naive, extremely happy and  about to make the worst decisions of my life. For some strange reason (that isn't so strange afterall), I turned my first priority to fixing a relationship that was never meant to have happened in the first place. For four years I did that. 

That's what happens when you and the guy have no common values and very different priorities -- if that wasn't obvious enough already. And then I decided to make the most retarded decision of my life by jumping into a relationship with a psycho. So.

I spent about 6 years focused on - not me. 

Point is, I never thought Carrie Bradshaw from Sex And The City would be a character I'd be relating to. She's a dream for any woman who neglected herself for so long and that - untameable side to her, so to speak. I'm probably romanticising that a little bit, but whatever it is, it isn't square.

Just finished the second season of SATC and it ends with some beautiful words from Carrie, as she watches her ex, Mr Big crawl into his limo with his new fiance. She says to herself:

"Then I had a thought. Maybe I didn't break Big. Maybe the problem was he couldn't break me. Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free, until they find someone just as wild to run with."

Until then.

Push Start

Little lamb, there are lots of wolves in sheep's clothing. Lots. I have little to no faith in words anymore. I'd rather stick by someone who does me no favours than someone who "cares" just to get the reaction they want from me. I am not innocent in this anymore. I know what the hell I'm doing. I'm not here to prove myself to anyone. Somebody tell me who has the guilty conscience? Not me. Never me. Does that make me an asshole? No, it just makes me fucking honest is what. 

Give me someone who doesn't use me for once, and someone I can respect. Til then I stick by and appreciate the people that love me and honey no that doesn't make me a slag. Not my fault your head's in the shithole. I just know I'm not about to abandon my friends and I'm so sorry that doesn't comply to the way you want me to live my life, but I'm not about to go through another fucking one of these.

The next time someone tells you who they are, take their word for it. They've set low standards for you before you even hit start. So much learning. 

The Symposium

Went down memory lane in my inbox last night. Found these two excerpts from Plato's The Symposium emailed to myself in 2008.

'These are the lesser mysteries of love, into which even you, Socrates, may enter; to the greater and more hidden ones which are the crown of these, and to which, if you pursue them in a right spirit, they will lead, I know not whether you will be able to attain. But I will do my utmost to inform you, and do you follow if you can. For he who would proceed aright in this matter should begin in youth to visit beautiful forms; and first, if he be guided by his instructor aright, to love one such form only—out of that he should create fair thoughts; and soon he will of himself perceive that the beauty of one form is akin to the beauty of another; and then if beauty of form in general is his pursuit, how foolish would he be not to recognize that the beauty in every form is and the same! And when he perceives this he will abate his violent love of the one, which he will despise and deem a small thing, and will become a lover of all beautiful forms; in the next stage he will consider that the beauty of the mind is more honourable than the beauty of the outward form. So that if a virtuous soul have but a little comeliness, he will be content to love and tend him, and will search out and bring to the birth thoughts which may improve the young, until he is compelled to contemplate and see the beauty of institutions and laws, and to understand that the beauty of them all is of one family, and that personal beauty is a trifle; and after laws and institutions he will go on to the sciences, that he may see their beauty, being not like a servant in love with the beauty of one youth or man or institution, himself a slave mean and narrow-minded, but drawing towards and contemplating the vast sea of beauty, he will create many fair and noble thoughts and notions in boundless love of wisdom; until on that shore he grows and waxes strong, and at last the vision is revealed to him of a single science, which is the science of beauty everywhere. To this I will proceed; please to give me your very best attention:

'He who has been instructed thus far in the things of love, and who has learned to see the beautiful in due order and succession, when he comes toward the end will suddenly perceive a nature of wondrous beauty (and this, Socrates, is the final cause of all our former toils)—a nature which in the first place is everlasting, not growing and decaying, or waxing and waning; secondly, not fair in one point of view and foul in another, or at one time or in one relation or at one place fair, at another time or in another relation or at another place foul, as if fair to some and foul to others, or in the likeness of a face or hands or any other part of the bodily frame, or in any form of speech or knowledge, or existing in any other being, as for example, in an animal, or in heaven, or in earth, or in any other place; but beauty absolute, separate, simple, and everlasting, which without diminution and without increase, or any change, is imparted to the ever-growing and perishing beauties of all other things. He who from these ascending under the influence of true love, begins to perceive that beauty, is not far from the end. And the true order of going, or being led by another, to the things of love, is to begin from the beauties of earth and mount upwards for the sake of that other beauty, using these as steps only, and from one going on to two, and from two to all fair forms, and from fair forms to fair practices, and from fair practices to fair notions, until from fair notions he arrives at the notion of absolute beauty, and at last knows what the essence of beauty is. This, my dear Socrates,' said the stranger of Mantineia, 'is that life above all others which man should live, in the contemplation of beauty absolute; a beauty which if you once beheld, you would see not to be after the measure of gold, and garments, and fair boys and youths, whose presence now entrances you; and you and many a one would be content to live seeing them only and conversing with them without meat or drink, if that were possible—you only want to look at them and to be with them. But what if man had eyes to see the true beauty—the divine beauty, I mean, pure and clear and unalloyed, not clogged with the pollutions of mortality and all the colours and vanities of human life—thither looking, and holding converse with the true beauty simple and divine? Remember how in that communion only, beholding beauty with the eye of the mind, he will be enabled to bring forth, not images of beauty, but realities (for he has hold not of an image but of a reality), and bringing forth and nourishing true virtue to become the friend of God and be immortal, if mortal man may. Would that be an ignoble life?'

The Infinite and John Green

I've always believed in infinites. For a time I lost sight of those infinites, so to speak, instead swimming through oceans of things that disguised themselves as infinites, or felt almost precious to the same degree as an infinite, but not so. Tricky things those things are.

There is a lot in the way that I used to think that I have abandoned and in the rare instance, I stop and think how tragic that could be; That the grand finale to some of these infinites could ever be summarized in so few words. Almost nightmarish if I were to think about it a second longer than I should; which is why I stopped doing that.

I don't know if it exists, because the longer I stick around the more I come to terms with this concept of "I don't know" and "that's life" — it becomes almost dreary if I spend a second longer than I should  on that thought as well. So I don't.

What I do know is that you have to make the best of everything you get given; and to me that can't and won't ever come in the form of cheap thrill or fuzzy hoo-ha. There's no comfort in the flesh or the material and it's deeper to me than that, it's always been, and that won't ever change.

I watched the Fault In Our Stars.

Bless John Green. Augustus Waters is everything I could imagine in the infinite. And that's not me saying "aw" or melting at the idea of love; he's a hero. And not in line with Disney or any of that sap, but I think we all search for the Gus in our lives; in our friends, family, and in ourselves. I think finding that may be all of our infinites.  I'll keep a tiny candle lit til the day I'm living mine.   

"We are like a bunch of dogs squirting on fire hydrants. We poison the groundwater with our toxic piss, marking everything mine in a ridiculous attempt to survive our deaths. I can't stop pissing on fire hydrants. I am an animal like any other. Hazel is different. she walks lightly, old man. She walks lightly upon the earth. She knows the truth: We're as likely to hurt the universe as we are to help it, and we're not likely to do either. People will say it's sad that she leaves a lesser scar, that fewer remember her, that she was loved deeply but not widely. But it's not sad. It's triumphant. It's heroic. Isn't that the real heroism?"

Akdong Musician - Melted

"So basically the song is about how cold and lonely they feel and they wish to melt away the icy coldness and they want to find warmth. In Korean, the word ‘Ice’ and ‘Adult (or grown-up)’ have a similar sound, like homophones. So the ‘Ice’ in this song has been used as a symbol of ‘grown-ups’. So the coldness comes from the adults and they repeat, "why are they so cold" and they refers to the adults. Thats why in the video the kid faces many obstacles with adults and they were all really cold to him but in the end he found someone that accepted him and it melted the 'ice' and he finally felt the warmth."