Call me by my name

There is a place between heaven and hell, where the angels cry and the demons play hide and seek. It is the place where my heart whispers a sweet lullaby to a loveless child; a place so dim it is not of the comforts of the night, and yet when I close my eyes I feel all the torment, and tormented devour me. There is so much pain. A sweet pain that pulls my every wretched bone and my every aching breath. Like a hand wrapped so tightly around my neck, pushed so firmly down I can hear the slow thump, thump, thump of my pulse fill my ears. The slightest, faintest glimmer of hope left in me well in my tired eyes. My fingers trail gently over the contours of cushion, lined under the softest silk, cool to the touch and so elegantly seductive. Turning my fingers ever so gently to graze my nails against it as if teasingly, waiting for it to beckon me closer. A sharp flick from a dim lit candle catches my eye off-sight and I turn to it. The fire is so beautiful. I take the blade from its sheath and trace it cold against my chest, before turning it ever so gently to scratch across my belly. I close my heavy eyes. My home is in this place of pain and darkness and now, I set myself free.

Mi Dios Lobo

Sweet love,

My King immortal sacred heart, you are as precious to me as every new day.

I am still incomplete, tainted, jaded, trying to find pieces of myself tucked in places I haven't discovered yet. I can not carry both your weight and mine. In an instant, the sun can burn out, the sun can set me on fire -- but I want to blaze through life with the same kind of elegance and gentleness that you showed me once. Dancing through everything, painting trails of ember with my feet and my fingertips. Speak so gently, sweet love, and whisper in my ear, truths of the deepest shades of black, no light is to be seen; the deepest shades of red; painted over a blanket in the sky, where we can lie as one, counting stars and speaking to the moon. Breathe in the pains of the world, and breathe out beautiful stardust, for I will breath you in and breathe out to set our world in flames.

Lady Cypress

She stood in front of me, gun in her left hand, cypress in her right.

"I can't draw the flower without an eraser," I said.

She took me in a rush, smashing her right hand into the table. I shivered so deeply I almost remembered what it felt like as a child. 

"You are not going to be the pathetic end result of all my hard work."

I watched intently as the cypress fell from her hand so gracefully, as if crushing it made it more beautiful. She hastily brushed it off the table, grabbing my neck.

"You pathetic little shit."

She spit on me. I did not flinch. Tears welled from my eyes, unbeknownst to me, trickling slow, like cold lava down my cheeks. The moment it hit the corner of my lips, she threw me backwards off my chair.

"Speak you fucking coward."

My cheek pressed against the soot of the floor, eyes glazed, I caught sight of the cypress again; the little white bulbs of pollen sprinkled so gently, as if deliberate, over its deep red petals. It reminded me of Christmas.

She stood one of her boots on top of it, kicking it towards me dismantled against the friction. I looked up at her, just as I used to with my sweet mother, speaking slow, and sweetly, "Your anger is weakness. You have not lived true pain. I would tell you a story about it, but I'm afraid you haven't got the depth."

"How dare..."

"No," I continued, keeping my pace, "You feel powerful now. I'm on the floor, you're with the gun. How dare you think you are in control here."

She kicked my face, hard. I saw white light and my ears started to ring, my face felt a sensation between numb and burning. I looked up at her again, and this time I smiled.

28/07/2015 •— Sleepy Mountain

Oh sleepy mountain
My wandering eye,
Waiting for the glint of sparkle
From the beast that lies beneath.
Oh sleepy mountain
Softly booming, whispering your sweet words.
So humbly you speak.
For what can contain the beast
Everlasting, eternal, immortal;
Ungrateful.

Grey wisps kiss you by your neck, like ice for you've not known embrace;
Yet you need not flinch, it knows it is welcomed there.
Like two allies it seeks to protect you
Honour you, caress you just enough.
And it dances with you, a slow courtship; Yet you stand steadfast.

My gaze catches a glimmer of the beast under the moon.
He pauses for only a moment to gaze upon you,
calming his excited breath.
He leaves, you stay. You stay waiting,
unbeknownst to your own majesty.
You feel a hollow emptiness and nothing more.

Oh sleepy mountain
Feel the gentle trace of the wisps glide gently over your neck,
and look to me now as I look to you.
Your eyes are tired and so are mine;
you are more than the home of the beast.
Your place of rest might also be mine;
Who houses you? If you stand steadfast I will return,
And maybe I'll find home for us both soon.

-----

You are as beautiful in the sun,
as you are in the darkness.

I will cradle you even then.
I will protect you even then.

The sanctity of darkness in dim night.
Heart bound by an immortal love affair;
Immoral, but so sweet,

Like biting into your lover's flesh;
Licking, sucking, kissing.
It is so beautiful,
And oh so sweet.

There is nothing in me that could end this.
There is nothing in me that wants it to end.

Have you ever been consumed by something so beautiful?

---Knowing

The lounge was elegantly sinister. 

We sat across eachother on separate leather seats; the glimmer of deep red from the half full, half empty wine glasses kissing the corner of my eyes; reflections of the fire hitting the crystals and gold. Darkness in here was like a warm hug and his eyes were so inviting. 

I smiled to myself, leaning forward to pick up my wine glass. I took a sip, looked up, and spoke, "you know, everything has its time and place." 

He was cautious, but still generous enough to show me he wanted me. He leaned his elbows on his knees and diverted his gaze, smiling to himself, "you know, you're persistent."

"You give me reason to be."

He got up, placing his glass on the table again before sitting next to me. He leaned back, and so did I. I offered him a sip from my wine glass and he grinned, letting me; I watched as the glass touched his lips. I wanted to tell him he was so beautiful in that moment, but I didn't. I put the glass down on the table and leaned back, resting my head on his shoulder. I placed my hand on his thigh and he took it into his. 

For the first time in forever, there we sat. A decade of communications, miscommunications and craziness led to this: telling eachother everything, with no words at all. 

It was the best conversation I had in my life.