On the topic of: Meaning

Over the past year I've realised, I add meaning where there is no meaning. And I've thought about it well, it just comes natural to me because like most, you see the world as you are. It could have made me feel outright delusional having assumed the greater more colourful story line at every point if I had not met the people I did in Barcelona. 

Barcelona changed me in a lot of ways. To know that there is a whole army of people who express love in the same way as you coming from a place of authenticity where it never was an act (yay!) is probably my go-to thought as of late, when I draw the bar for which I set my standards.

I've also realised that no matter what you've been through or where you've been, you're still in your own company at the end of the day. I am even stretching to the notion where I could  be sleeping next to someone, but it won't even be that same thing anymore. Because now I want strength, not codependency. I want it so it's like, two people on separate paths that cross more frequently than most and when they do it is the purest moment -- always "home" -- and when you look at them you are looking at the extension of your very own being -- and it is a feeling of comfort, peace, confidence, strength and so much love it does not have to be said.

And I feel most at home when I can be my purest self with someone I trust and love, but I've realised that being this way, even if you trust and love them, to someone that doesn't come from the same place can inflict the worst kind of pain.

Sometimes people think I'm a little idiotic, and it's okay to step on me. It's hard for me to express the point sometimes, because I can't believe it just isn't known. I've always encouraged people to be their most outspoken, authentic self around me -- because that's where real bond is built for me. Without it, I find it waste of time, energy -- because I am being that authentic self with you. So if I'm displacing it, then that's my own fault. But my approach is always this -- over time, you learn about someone -- gaps that needed filling get filled, questions you have get answered -- and I'm not the type to cut someone off because they've behaved really poorly towards me (except the one), because after time and immersion with that person, I stop taking it personally. Even to the questionable characters - I stop taking that personally. I will still honour you as a human being, but it will only ever go so far, you know?

I think that allowing people to reveal their ugliest side helps in some way. They might think I'm a doormat, but they don't know I'm actually watching them. When people like me it's generally because they think I'm smart -- I don't really know how they forget sometimes. Maybe because I struggle a lot. Maybe forgiveness looks stupid to some people.

Whenever I am upset, it's out of disbelief and betrayal that I was revealing my authentic self to said person, and that was taken for granted. 

This week I've found out, my passionate, hyper self is actually really calm with the right company (he will be called Z). My mind can be on 10 different planets at the same time but with the right person, I'm no where else. So much so I haven't had a suicidal episode in 2 weeks. So much so I'm starting to wonder about the relationship I have with myself, and what it could turn into, if I start to treat myself the way said person (Z) treats me.

Before I left Barcelona, my housemate who became a big brother of sorts, Alfonso, told me something like, "I really hope you have become closer to yourself, discovered more of yourself after this, and more so when you are back in Australia."

You know sometimes you can be the clumsiest, craziest, or reserved, observant, whatever - but around the right company, you really don't need to explain yourself.

 “So many went on a quest to tame her,
The only man to win her heart was the one
Who was also free.”
― Nikki Rowe

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.”
― John Joseph Powell

On Christianity

Meeting Christians in their Christian environment is kind of charming at the time, bit weird after the fact; cos after the fact you realise that every other sentence was about their faith, every half an hour would condemn some other type, and someone is always giving a sermon to someone else about what is right according to God. 

I came home that day feeling first glad I spent time with my friends, but the minute I entered my home, I realised how far I've come from it. Even my parents have in a way— you'll kind of have to eventually. Mum wasn't so supportive for the longest time but when I lived with her just recently I think she took on; I heard her sermon someone using universalistic undertones-- it made me smile to myself cos I mean, at least she's preachy about the right thing, even if preachy is a total no when it comes to other spiritualities in the pagan way. 

But even so, when you hear a pantheistic person speak of their spirituality it is done so always with faith, conviction, and softness enough to know the stuff they believe in they can't completely comprehend. Because how does one human know god? We're not so evolved yet, pretty sure. Don't know how anyone can speak as if they were the right hand of the Christian God. Whenever it was like that though I never flinched; it was more interesting to me to see some people talk in such certainty and with such superiority complex. Especially towards the child; I've never met a smarter kid in my life. She speaks like an adult, almost, talking about things in such  ways. I said this kid is so bright, if she can stick to her guns she's gonna go so far. But then it was weird as well, in hindsight, seeing how they would feed her gospel and how she'd regurgitate it back. 

So anyway, I remember why I left. And now really appreciate how open minded my parents and friends are about faith and all these things.

Peace.

Reactions to The Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire

The gradual plot build up followed by the consecutive wham bam thank you ma'ams of gut wrenching, fist pumping metaphorical punchlines. Well thank you. I can't even begin to express how moved I was by the entire film. My heart was racing throughout, through the walk home, and as I type this post. Themes that hit too close to home and too close to my heart. 

After a friend finished reading the trilogy he said, "Deb, you're exactly like Katniss." "In what ways?" I asked. "Watch it," he said. 

For the sheer genius in Collins' ways of incorporating very real themes into our mainstream media. The irony that is the Hunger Games vs. us as the audience, sitting there and watching those kinds of truths brought to screen.

I was discussing this with my cousin after the movie, and he shared a fair point; the entire notion of the way in which these truths are pursued are dependent on how comfortable your life is. In that, if you started with not much, and have succeeded, the system works; the system has filled your hole. In that, if you've lived a comfortable life, you tend to question - and the system doesn't fill that hole. 

At the same time, if the system didn't demand for these things in the first place, there would be no holes to fill. So are we coping, or are we asking for more (or perhaps less if we're being blunt)? And what is that for you? 

I asked a question, "if you didn't have your job, and there was no such thing as the education system, the monetary system - what would you live for?" And it's a funny question. Because obviously (?) we should all be living for something more than this. But reality is, there is a major chunk of our population that can't answer that question. Maybe it's because they've never seen the point in asking it; maybe it's because these questions simply don't exist in their lives. Maybe it's because they live for the entirety of our reality today.

Majority of our population live a life of - doing their best, reaping the rewards, breathing light through the amount of ways they manage to impress people. Which isn't my way of saying that these don't quantify as lesser virtues. Which isn't my way of dismissing reality either, but I beg to plead the question - why? 

Yes this is far fetched and yes it takes more than one angsty blog post to start any kind of revolution, but I'm not dismissing the way the world goes round. I'm challenging it, and I believe Suzanne Collins was, too. 

To sum it up, great movie, great cinematography, stellar acting, brilliant wardrobe and set design. And who couldn't love that wedding dress? And yes I could say perhaps I very strongly relate to Katniss Everdeen,  in more ways than one, save one thing. Can someone teach me how to use a bow and arrow?

What is evil?

3:11AM

3 hours ago I was thinking how narrow minded the concept of evil is. What is evil isn't wise, or open-minded, or humble, or fair. It feeds it's strength from a false sense of pride. If you talk to evil and you've been surrounded by light, evil doesn't scare you - evil sounds like a brat. A bratty child.

I've tried to avoid the hour for the longest time.

Evil crowns itself King. Nothing is earned, everything is always given - for free.

This is starting to sound Disney. This has no affiliation to religion. Wut

"We are all searching for someone who's demons play well with ours" — who's heard that bull? I did, and totally believed it too, but screw that melodramatic excuse for abusive behaviour. Is a sadist and a masochist the perfect pair? And this is out of the bedroom, okay, folks? Please. The answer is no ffs. Neither should be paired in the first place.

Demons - our personal demons - they're ours, and they're not for someone else to play with ffs. They are our darkness; and I haven't gotten to know a single person without their own darkness. Who the fuck threw 'demons' in the mix? This is the kind of shit that makes the crazy person crazier.

So evil, darkness, wickedness — call it whatever, but it's overrated, okay?

And if you spoke to me before I wouldn't be saying any of this. But evil is vain. Evil is a fucking narcissist. Evil pays attention to itself, and no one else; everything for the benefit of one, vs. the majority. And fuck me for saying this: are we not the same as our neighbour? 

He is only intelligent to himself. He is the vengeful victim of circumstance, the sore loser, the bitter lover, the spoiled brat. Evil is the corruption, the greed, the adults in diapers, the weakest link. 

Evil isn't evil. Evil's a sensationalised, romanticed, waste of space and time.

On wealth and substance

Sitting in bed about ready to conk out. This post has been on my mind the entire day.

Did not attempt to start writing it for fear of underwhelming myself. Motivations today were almost non-existent, save the salad I made for lunch and the walk I had in the evening.

We all have these days, I tell myself.

In any case, I've been thinking a lot about the authentic self. Mostly because I've been in situations recently where the authentic self does not exist. Whatever you think about commercialism and media effects, triple that and add a cherry on top.

Which is something I am completely not used to as I have always aimed to express my truest self. Also more commonly identified as my being impulsive. Which has, I won't lie, gotten me into conflict in my past, but it's also managed to filter out the bullshit. Which I've not-so-conveniently managed to find ways to deal with, no thanks to the past two years of bullshit. Not so impulsive anymore. Still my truest self, minus the damage.

I relapse sometimes.

Anyway.

Situations I get into where it's about being the better man - not the bigger one, as is usually the case - who can afford what, etc. it's even down to who knows the richer, whiter (hi colonization), better looking set of people. Which is generally what I've always noticed about the wealthier people here - they're assholes. And to be completely real here, idgaf about any of it. 

If you rolled up to my place in a black Hummer, I don't care how much I love Hummers and want one for myself, I'm judging you the minute you open your mouth. The coolness of the car solely reflecting on the shit that comes out of there, plus your values, integrity, etc.

Who's heard of that?

Which is a bummer for some cos I figure, if you've been this way your whole life - who else are you other than the one who seeks to impress? Unravelling flesh with no soul; Wealth in money should come paired with wealth in substance, presence of mind, a sense of humanity and humility - or at least one of them, IMO. 

But it obviously doesn't work that way duh.

Apparently the only other country to have their culture so based around the class system is India. Maybe China? Asia-wise, anyway. Then there's the comparison of other countries that have their social systems centred round the catholic religion. Which is true, too, and easy to spot why given the history of the Catholic Church and all that drama.

We're all different, hey? I just gotta keep my head out of the clouds, and completely root myself in our Mother Earth. But who knows, I might be the fakest bitch you'll ever know in 10 years.

Though I highly doubt that.

On cigarettes, floods, and pretentiousness

Coffee and a cigarette.

And these are Hope cigarettes. A dollar a pack, but so yum, especially if you're doing menthols. Apparently, these are what the carpenters smoke here; and everyone looks at you funny when you swing them out and you don't fit the mould. The grins on the cashier's faces when they double-take on what you just ordered. 

I don't know if I'm taking it too seriously but hello class-system.

Which is also apparent when it starts flooding here and while there are people dying from landslides, the other half of the population is whining about their cancelled plans at the mall or what have you. 

And the trend on the comments floating about speak of resilience and the weatherproof Filipino spirit. Is that really what it is? 

It flooded last night. It wasn't too bad on my street. Waters were about knee-high, and quickly subsided soon after the rain stopped. Everyone was handling it so casually. I stuck my head out the window and could hear people laughing, screaming, like they were at an amusement park.

Yan ang Pinoy. Sa dami ng problema, nakuha mo pang ngumiti - ika nga ni Bamboo!

Point being, I don't know if this is something to brag about. 

The TV was on and deaths were being counted, while I was reading on cancelled weekend plans of the "social elite". I began reflecting on what would be done in other countries I've lived in, because collectively, the thing I have going in my head would be the same for the majority, and things would be addressed. Generally speaking, an unhappy majority should equal change.

We're not talking about a raise, more holidays, or women's liberation here. It's the bloody drainage system. 

I said, "why not the get everyone to drop what they're doing and we each get a bit of the drainage system to work on!" - I thought that was pretty smart.

But apparently they're so used to the flooding here, it's become a part of daily routine. In some places, houses stock giant slabs of hollow concrete to elevate all their kitchen appliances when the waters start to rise. To which you could say, wow that's so clever! but it's unsettling. An issue shouldn't be manageable.  It's like an abusive relationship. We shouldn't be saying, "oh it's okay. We're ready for you! Come stay the night!" instead can somebody please be telling the the whole thing to fuck off!

Maybe they're right. Maybe help isn't just around the corner and if you raise your fist to the system, no one gives a damn. 10 billion pesos being spent on mansions, parties and cars, from the hard earned tax money of those who don't have that kind of money to spend. Seriously? This shouldn't have to go on. I want to vomit.

To the lavish and aspiring lavish I say: 

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines pretentious as:

Having or showing the unpleasant quality of people who want to be regarded as more impressive, successful, or important than they really are. 

Where are all the people with their feet on the ground?