Mi Dios Lobo

Sweet love,

My King immortal sacred heart, you are as precious to me as every new day.

I am still incomplete, tainted, jaded, trying to find pieces of myself tucked in places I haven't discovered yet. I can not carry both your weight and mine. In an instant, the sun can burn out, the sun can set me on fire -- but I want to blaze through life with the same kind of elegance and gentleness that you showed me once. Dancing through everything, painting trails of ember with my feet and my fingertips. Speak so gently, sweet love, and whisper in my ear, truths of the deepest shades of black, no light is to be seen; the deepest shades of red; painted over a blanket in the sky, where we can lie as one, counting stars and speaking to the moon. Breathe in the pains of the world, and breathe out beautiful stardust, for I will breath you in and breathe out to set our world in flames.

L o v e is bigger than

We can look at eachother for hours and we already know why, and when tears swell in your eyes it kind of confirms the fact, and if you've never felt that way before it kind of all points towards the one thing that neither of us are saying. But you'll tell me in every other way anyway. And I'll be okay with it as long as you are. 

❤❤❤❤❤

---Knowing

The lounge was elegantly sinister. 

We sat across eachother on separate leather seats; the glimmer of deep red from the half full, half empty wine glasses kissing the corner of my eyes; reflections of the fire hitting the crystals and gold. Darkness in here was like a warm hug and his eyes were so inviting. 

I smiled to myself, leaning forward to pick up my wine glass. I took a sip, looked up, and spoke, "you know, everything has its time and place." 

He was cautious, but still generous enough to show me he wanted me. He leaned his elbows on his knees and diverted his gaze, smiling to himself, "you know, you're persistent."

"You give me reason to be."

He got up, placing his glass on the table again before sitting next to me. He leaned back, and so did I. I offered him a sip from my wine glass and he grinned, letting me; I watched as the glass touched his lips. I wanted to tell him he was so beautiful in that moment, but I didn't. I put the glass down on the table and leaned back, resting my head on his shoulder. I placed my hand on his thigh and he took it into his. 

For the first time in forever, there we sat. A decade of communications, miscommunications and craziness led to this: telling eachother everything, with no words at all. 

It was the best conversation I had in my life. 

The stars are in my head

I hang my wrist from balcony rail, tapping silently while I sway. Clear skies and not a cloud in sight. I'm playing a song by Stromae, Tous Les Mêmes, blurring my vision to make the Earth like starry-night, feeding my whims of independence and glamour days from now. I'm a creature, freed, filled with memories of ecstasy and enchantment, breathing in darkness, breathing out gold dust. I can't sing into the night but I still remember how it feels. 

Port De Bras

1st, 2nd, 3rd position, 4th. 

I close my eyes, standing strong - heel to toe, heel to toe. Moonlight shines through our floor-to-ceiling windows and I'm rocking gently to the breeze. Soft, steady tapping of a loose faucet. I hum a small tune under my breath.

I undo the clasp of my bun, letting my hair fall heavy on my shoulders. Pushing my fingers through I sweep it sideways, head to follow; letting my body loosely go -

tum tu tum        tum tu tum

Sometimes I don't want to know. Sometimes I just want to dance. 

Silhouettes and white move like water through the room. Strength of a lioness, gentle heart - strides of elegance, eloquence, longing - submission. A white baby grand in the distance and a steady waltz. A Waltz For Me. The faucet turns into a smooth, steady drum line. Do you understand?

Through a field of long grass, I run. I'm looking towards the sun hoping to find you. I know you'd smile at me if you could see. I'm running, I'm flying, I'm skipping steps; pointing at the clouds, and laughing at them, with them, so damn beneath them. 

I've been calling to you. Do you hear me?

Miss

It might be that I'm akin to this sort of thing. But who decides that, save ourselves? Moon child, where is your mother and what have you done with your hair?

The kind of calm calamity, strength of the ocean. What is that thing that sits in your pocket? You're not too sure yourself.

White drips from the ceilings, running sticky, sickly down the walls. Daffodils in your hair, you sweet, sweet girl.

My city is burning from the borders, in. Catatonic, stellar, stand. Farus, farus, farus. What is this thing you call love, and where is it meant to land?

Idle

Innocence lost after life happens. The kind of playful, sushine Sadatay ethic that makes minds meet. The shade of grey that teases you and leaves you begging for more. Tainted, jaded impressions of people you knew before – sorry excuses and meaningless exchange. Forthrightness denied, anonymity embraced. Protecting ourselves from ghosts of the past. Is there adventure left? Bereavement spent as conversation to the gods. Idle desires.

/edit: I don't know what to do.

Jeweled Gold

I have been waiting months for my soul to see the light of day once more. It has seen it, and things of the warmest hues of oranges and yellows, some rarer reflections bounce from jeweled gold; my greatest treasures. Words are not enough to articulate the gratitude I have to be given another chance at this.

There are some things that still wound my heart. A few of those things tucked deeply, in the darkest corners that I've not been able to shine light on. It is the human in me. Have we all not been broken, in one way or another? 

And there are some instances where I am still the porcelain doll I once remembered myself to be.  

I am vulnerable in these instances, and in these instances I do not see light. I am drowning in a darker shade of black waiting to devour me, should my will escape me.

And it wants to, but I resist.

When I rise, I am grateful once more. 

My heart holds an ocean of love, Divine truths, and torment. My mind knows better, 

my heart is at mercy. 

A flame to the black oil that sits buried.

May it stay buried forever.

I only wish to see the light of day. And if darkness may engulf me, may it be so in love; the truest form; the unattainable. And if it is unattainable may it make me strive, and grow, and awaken, forevermore. 

Gratitude, strength. The present, my virtue.