Portrait by AI

 There's something to this though. You give it 10 photos of you, and it takes an average, fills in some blanks. Some of these are strikingly me, others take my best features and work around that, others enhance my imperfections. These are just a few of the 200 - but you know, it might become a thing, because over the last decade of my life I think I've forgotten what I actually look like. When your own lens is foggy, its hard to see - but being painted as a goddess, or a princess, or just myself and that's enough - this is kind of therapeutic. And it took 19 minutes to generate 200 portraits. Hm.

I love them though, even the ones enhancing my imperfections. 

INFP to INTJ

I am deciding to blog because I've been trying to journal and pen and paper don't stimulate me anymore. I had no idea I still had this blog, and it's appropriate, because precisely when I stopped blogging here was when I began to lose grip of myself.

And so much on personality disorders have surfaced where you wouldn't be able to find anything too substantial on it before. But I've been in an on/off again relationship with the guy I spoke about earlier - for 6 years. almost 7. Now I'm nothing like I used to be.

In the mix, I believed him to be someone deeply suffering with mental impairments that he cannot so easily solve - so I never once blamed him for anything that happened as I have my own.

I am so grateful this blog exists. The way I write now is so different to before.

I was heavily INFP still in my last post. Also, I had no idea about the next years of mental health focus/decline and the loss of self I would endure. Now, I am INTJ (I believe it's because I've had to survive with someone who gaslights when mad), I am not so enthused about self-expression as I believe emotions are fleeting (from the over abundance of emotions maybe, and from having friends I thought I would keep for all my life, I kept none.

I wrote a book I'm not proud of. Published - one of my dreams, right? But it was during a time I confused trauma-bond with love. I also had some saviour complex. I'm not a big fan of the term empath anymore. I believe truly compassionate people do not need to announce themselves. 

I worked in China and Singapore - and quit both very quickly. I had an operation in the Gold Coast - where I lived successfully for 2 years on my own, discovered my borderline was actually bipolar. I started memberships at all the shops which I never did in past, I went to 4 psychiatrists, kept up with my psychologist, where I was admitted to ED for 1) Angina from the Lithium and 2) not letting my cyst removal heal properly. By the way, they also removed my left ovary. 

Now I'm in the Philippines, and I had a plan, but I was diagnosed autistic. I finally solved my sleeping problems thanks to this - with a weighted blanket, and a very pillowy mattress topper. Oh and, an egg pillow from miniso which I squish my cheek on and it makes me so cosy.

Now, I live a very empty life, I stay at home in the apartment, designing my dad's new house with skills borrowed from 3d modelling and house design from the (BTW, this guy I'm talking about and I have also started a) store we've been slowly working on. Which stresses me out because I really want to focus on the store, but I'm letting it happen because it's my dad's lifelong dream, and I guess mine as well. I just thought I wouldn't be living with my parents at the age of 33+. 

But at this stage I'm forgiving myself for that because I am so sure that nothing I ever went through was normal. And to this day, my mum still abuses me, but these days we are much less emotional about it because I am so sure she has a personality disorder developed as a coping mechanism to autism. 

I'm at my heaviest weight I've ever been, and I feel so far away from being healthy/fit. I have pimples on my cheeks for the first time in my life. 

Well, I am still following the silver lining despite the crap pile I just typed out. I'm very proud of being INTJ now. I believe it's allowed me to stay 'friends' or 'work friends' with the guy I loved and suffered for for 6 years. It's also very evident how capable I am of fighting for something I believe in - I just have to learn to fight for myself - which is the thing I'm definitely not proud of.

I also feel totally disjointed from my looks. I guess when I was happy, I never really cared that much, but these days I can't talk to people and one of the reasons is me thinking how disgusting/stupid I look now. Well, there's a lot of work to do here. 

I thought I missed who I was before - but maybe it's just the energy and fearlessness. She was seriously misguided and getting away with too much wrong thinking. She had really good friends actually. something I never appreciated back then. Now I really wish they could get to know me all over again. 

Call me by my name

There is a place between heaven and hell, where the angels cry and the demons play hide and seek. It is the place where my heart whispers a sweet lullaby to a loveless child; a place so dim it is not of the comforts of the night, and yet when I close my eyes I feel all the torment, and tormented devour me. There is so much pain. A sweet pain that pulls my every wretched bone and my every aching breath. Like a hand wrapped so tightly around my neck, pushed so firmly down I can hear the slow thump, thump, thump of my pulse fill my ears. The slightest, faintest glimmer of hope left in me well in my tired eyes. My fingers trail gently over the contours of cushion, lined under the softest silk, cool to the touch and so elegantly seductive. Turning my fingers ever so gently to graze my nails against it as if teasingly, waiting for it to beckon me closer. A sharp flick from a dim lit candle catches my eye off-sight and I turn to it. The fire is so beautiful. I take the blade from its sheath and trace it cold against my chest, before turning it ever so gently to scratch across my belly. I close my heavy eyes. My home is in this place of pain and darkness and now, I set myself free.

Mi Dios Lobo

Sweet love,

My King immortal sacred heart, you are as precious to me as every new day.

I am still incomplete, tainted, jaded, trying to find pieces of myself tucked in places I haven't discovered yet. I can not carry both your weight and mine. In an instant, the sun can burn out, the sun can set me on fire -- but I want to blaze through life with the same kind of elegance and gentleness that you showed me once. Dancing through everything, painting trails of ember with my feet and my fingertips. Speak so gently, sweet love, and whisper in my ear, truths of the deepest shades of black, no light is to be seen; the deepest shades of red; painted over a blanket in the sky, where we can lie as one, counting stars and speaking to the moon. Breathe in the pains of the world, and breathe out beautiful stardust, for I will breath you in and breathe out to set our world in flames.

THIS MOTHERFUCKING COVER THO !!!

Mine. ♥

in the hands that set me free

He's elusive and I'm awake 

Defiantly real, there's nothing fake 

A mystery now to me and you 

Open my eyes and I'm next to you 

He says my destiny 

Lies in the hands that set me free

Frank & Elvis

On the topic of: Meaning

Over the past year I've realised, I add meaning where there is no meaning. And I've thought about it well, it just comes natural to me because like most, you see the world as you are. It could have made me feel outright delusional having assumed the greater more colourful story line at every point if I had not met the people I did in Barcelona. 

Barcelona changed me in a lot of ways. To know that there is a whole army of people who express love in the same way as you coming from a place of authenticity where it never was an act (yay!) is probably my go-to thought as of late, when I draw the bar for which I set my standards.

I've also realised that no matter what you've been through or where you've been, you're still in your own company at the end of the day. I am even stretching to the notion where I could  be sleeping next to someone, but it won't even be that same thing anymore. Because now I want strength, not codependency. I want it so it's like, two people on separate paths that cross more frequently than most and when they do it is the purest moment -- always "home" -- and when you look at them you are looking at the extension of your very own being -- and it is a feeling of comfort, peace, confidence, strength and so much love it does not have to be said.

And I feel most at home when I can be my purest self with someone I trust and love, but I've realised that being this way, even if you trust and love them, to someone that doesn't come from the same place can inflict the worst kind of pain.

Sometimes people think I'm a little idiotic, and it's okay to step on me. It's hard for me to express the point sometimes, because I can't believe it just isn't known. I've always encouraged people to be their most outspoken, authentic self around me -- because that's where real bond is built for me. Without it, I find it waste of time, energy -- because I am being that authentic self with you. So if I'm displacing it, then that's my own fault. But my approach is always this -- over time, you learn about someone -- gaps that needed filling get filled, questions you have get answered -- and I'm not the type to cut someone off because they've behaved really poorly towards me (except the one), because after time and immersion with that person, I stop taking it personally. Even to the questionable characters - I stop taking that personally. I will still honour you as a human being, but it will only ever go so far, you know?

I think that allowing people to reveal their ugliest side helps in some way. They might think I'm a doormat, but they don't know I'm actually watching them. When people like me it's generally because they think I'm smart -- I don't really know how they forget sometimes. Maybe because I struggle a lot. Maybe forgiveness looks stupid to some people.

Whenever I am upset, it's out of disbelief and betrayal that I was revealing my authentic self to said person, and that was taken for granted. 

This week I've found out, my passionate, hyper self is actually really calm with the right company (he will be called Z). My mind can be on 10 different planets at the same time but with the right person, I'm no where else. So much so I haven't had a suicidal episode in 2 weeks. So much so I'm starting to wonder about the relationship I have with myself, and what it could turn into, if I start to treat myself the way said person (Z) treats me.

Before I left Barcelona, my housemate who became a big brother of sorts, Alfonso, told me something like, "I really hope you have become closer to yourself, discovered more of yourself after this, and more so when you are back in Australia."

You know sometimes you can be the clumsiest, craziest, or reserved, observant, whatever - but around the right company, you really don't need to explain yourself.

 “So many went on a quest to tame her,
The only man to win her heart was the one
Who was also free.”
― Nikki Rowe

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.”
― John Joseph Powell

This lady is a tramp

She gets too hungry for dinner at eight
She likes the theatre and never comes late
She never bothers with people she'd hate
That's why the lady is a tramp

 Doesn't like crap games with barons or earls
Won't go to Harlem in ermine and pearls
Won't dish the dirt with the rest of the girls
That's why the lady is a tramp

 She likes the free fresh wind in her hair,
Life without care She's broke and it's oke
Hates California, it's cold and it's damp
That's why the lady is a tramp

 She gets too hungry to wait for dinner at eight
She loves the theatre but never comes late
She'd never bother with people she'd hate
That's why the lady is a tramp

 She'll have no crap games with sharpies and frauds
And she won't go to Harlem in Lincolns or Fords
And she won't dish the dirt with the rest of the broads T
hat's why the lady is a tramp

She loves the free fresh wind in her hair
Life without care. She's broke but it's oke
Hates California, it's so cold and so damp
That's why the lady... that's why the lady...
That's why the lady is a tramp

We are not like others

Do you ever think what it would be like to be like other people? Normal people?

We are not like others. We have claws for a reason.

I'm with you.

And I with you.

We're together for a reason.

God's plan?

You will not die while I wake. You will not surrender while I live. If I have one god damn purpose in my cursed life it's that.

You are one man.

I'm more than that and you know it.

Whatever you have done, whoever you have made yourself, I'm here to accept you.

You know what I am.

And here I stand.

She Wants Revenge - Tear You Apart

there to live, there for me

There to live
There for me
Reveal yourself be at ease
I'll be your fireblue
burn for you everywhere

When blue turn to red
Then I will put it to rest
Maybe we will not be here

I'm gonna stay with you until I fall apart
I'll be your fireblue
Take me to the place I love

you make the moon a mirrorball

bop bop bop bop bop ba dop

Back in the day when things were cool 

We used to meet up with these dudes 

Then we rode out on Vouges and Trues 

And would ride around the park till it's after dark 

Pumpin' the trunk with the windows rolled up, puff 

Well, well, well say

Laughin', and singin', and jammin', and talkin'
And pumpin' the trunk with the windows rolled up, puff
Well, well, well

And we would ride around the park till it's after dark
And when we get home hope the dogs don't bark, puff
Well, well, well

Stop what you're doing

Sippin cholorophyll out of ill silver goblets 

I'm like a faucet, monopoly's the object 

There ain't no way to cut this tap, you got ta get wet 

Your head is throbbin and I ain't said shit yet

This is not a review, this is me reacting

Flesh And Bone has just trumped my love for the great Hannibal Lecter and Miss Ives. I could never imagine anything more perfect. 

Whenever I doubt myself it takes this sort of thing to empower me-- seeing all the things that are normal to me, put on screen in the most dark and tantalising ways. Top it off with some beautiful piano playing and really, really divine ballet. 

It is heavy, but not in the unfamiliar, I'm so curious kind of way that Lecter or Penny Dreadful has. This heaviness mirrored every inch of my past, and present. Every tear I cried in those 5 episodes is me saying, "yes, someone gets it." At some points I would watch my own life unravel and watch the girls react in the exact same ways I did, and do.

I wonder if such emotional vulnerability comes from a place of strength, or weakness. I wonder if trauma and mental illness is known enough. Or accepted as a fucking part of this sore excuse we call for a human race; on justice killing sprees for their own selfish causes and for what? All with a fucking smile and a side of, "hey pal."  Throwing out shit at whatever the cost because they don't fucking give a shit about what you've been through. Feeling like they can because of the amount of manipulation they can get away with everywhere else. That's how you win! 

"You achieved nothing." Fuck you. FUCK YOU.  

And I went on a tangent. 

I went from being a fucking loser pity party sorry shell of a person, to, wow Barcelona! You fucking get it! Am I crazy? Yes, okay, but who the fuck isn't yeah. I just have a fucking preference to the kind that doesn't fucking hide shit! People on the other fucking side of the planet are more real and kind hearted serving my fucking café con leche than half the shit I know that says oh hi hello so I can stroke their fucking ego. Fuck you.

you fucking see all my internal dialogue in that series. Everything. And I hope everyone that loves me or has loved me, gets to watch that shit I would LOVE to hear their thoughts because I am pretty fucking sure, if you don't like it, you don't really like me. Or fucking accept me. Whole. As past present and future. And if that's too fucking woo-woo for you, think bigger. Try a dildo up your fucking asshole and tell me if that doesn't actually make you want to cummmmm.

Sail into I N F I N I T Y

Simply everything about this! More specifically, the spoken intro and from 4:30 onwards. 

It has taken me bloody 5 days to get back on track and I have to live this up. On that note, I need to make another blog, apart from this one, to recount all the good stuff. My therapist in Barcelona said it is the healthier way to go. I will sleep on the URL name. I do understand her point.

Here comes the true test. Let us see what I can make of my life post-Europe. 

Oh ohhh

eps1.3_da3m0ns.mp4

"Daemons. They don't stop working. They are always active. They seduce. They manipulate. They own us. And even though you're with me, even though i created you, it makes no difference. We all must deal with them alone. The best we can hope for, the only silver lining in all of this, is that when we break through, we find a few familliar faces waiting on the other side."

Heartstrings