"I'm not myself tonight."

"I'm not myself tonight."

I've always thought that this statement held no real value. I've always thought identity is fluid and people have so many different sides to themselves, in different shades, and in different circumstances. 

That held through til I actually lost myself, having let die the different parts of myself in all their shades and in no circumstances. It's been so weird since.

I'm okay now, finally, but everything is so different and I find myself wondering -- is this my normal?

Because it is different when you don't really know your actions affect your outcome. And what I mean by that is pre-theshit, I lived without much thought. Not that I never used my head; just that I always thought everything I did was unquestionable - to me anyway - which is most important is it not? Maybe. The only thought I ever put into my choices and my actions had to do with truth or loyalty or heart or passion or something along those lines. I still value those things the highest but the amount I let seep through perhaps has changed. It isn't that it isn't in me; it's that I know where that's gotten me in the past.

Maybe that's me finally growing up or maybe I'm just dulling. Whatever it is, I'm always on an intersection. I feel like there's so much in me and I have to pick. I have to pick because if I don't pick I will half heartedly be doing everything or, which is more probably the case, frustrate myself to the point of not doing anything at all. All the different shades of me have, for the most part, returned, and I'm in limbo with all of them.

It was only last year I started using my head over my heart. That's a behavioural studies major saying that. And when you use your head, a lot is up in the air, as ironic as that is. I feel like every action I take will inevitably affect the future, which is why even to the slightest hint of hmm I don't know, the walls go up. And then it's always, but what if.

And this applies to everything in my life lately. And the safest solution I can muster to all of that mush is no solution at all. I used to be in chaos where closure was lacking, and lately it's been my safe place; this, I don't know. 

Because there are things that I do know. And it is weird being out of loop for so long a guy you used to date forgot how much you can drink lol. But what I do know is I dance when I'm happy, I need to quit smoking, I need to get fitter, I want things for myself, my parents - I am inspired by beauty, ugliness, darkness, light - I want to experience as much of life as I can experience and my only fear in life is losing the one I love. Oh and sloths, and those little holes for some retarded reason - we call that trypophobia, thanks Facebook. 

"I'm not myself tonight." 

Yeah absolutely. That's kind of how it is, right? It always comes down to choice - and that's why when the day comes and your mind and heart agree - on anything - it can be pretty sweet. Cos my heart never listens, but at least my head knows that now. 

/end 

Green Velvet - Bigger Than Prince

 Try not to head-bop.

Lamb - Another Language

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Nothing More - This Is The Time (Ballast)

Penny Dreadful Final Dialogue

"But before we say another word, you must look into your heart and you must answer me a question. Just one. 

If you have been touched by the demon, it's like being touched by the back hand of God. Makes you sacred in a way, doesn't it? Makes you unique, with a kind of glory. The glory of suffering, even. Now, here's my question. 

Do you really want to be normal?"

—Penny Dreadful, S01E08

Dream Journal Entry #11 ― K comes to visit

I was at a hotel with the family. It was New Year's or Christmas or something - not entirely sure - but there were mobs of people to push through. We were on our way to some Space City to try the simulator that takes you to the moon. I'd tried it before apparently, boasting about how real and epic and near-death it all is. Queue's were long, but for some reason we lost dad. And then somehow they lost me. I tried finding my way back to them but by the time I was back at the queuing area, the building was empty. 

And so I left to go back to the hotel. The streets were empty. My phone started ringing just as I was passing an old Victorian building. It was K checking in on me and wishing me a good - whatever it was - we ended up talking for a while. I sat on the steps of the building filling him in on most things including D. He tells me that he was actually gonna meet up with D. I said yeah okay don't tell me.

The next phone call I received was from D. He called to brag on about how K was coming to visit him from the 21st to the 5th - I said wow that's ages. He was very proud of himself. I said ya okay and hung up and was surprisingly so unaffected. I continued my walk; full moon, light cool breeze. I found a bridge that crossed over a river and parked myself there to smoke. 

Suddenly people came up from behind me, picking me up. It was Jacky and peeps, in town. "What the fuck are you doing?" he greeted me with. That's why we got along haha. Anyway, he invited me to join him and his friends out to boogie. I said okay. 

Fast forward and we were at the hip hop room at MOS! Well, it had a steel cage and looked like that anyway. Suddenly someone's noogying me. I turn around look up and it's K. I haven't been happier in a long time. I pounced him hugging him super tight. "Good to see you kiddo," he says as he's got me in his arms with his chin on my head. I spot D from the corner of my eye trying to ignore the fact. I tell K he better go. He kisses my forehead and smiles, puts on a goofy face and starts easy rocking; I copy his moves and see him mouth, "get 'em." I turned back to Jacky and peeps and danced the night away.

Next day I'm with K at the abandoned railroad next to the basketball court we used to play at. He ushered for me to lie in his arms, so I did, and was hugging him super tight as we were talking. I told him he has no idea how healing this is for me. He said he knew. He propped me up and leaned on a tree, my back leaning on his chest between his legs. He'd swap between playing with my hair and hugging me. He started telling me how he didn't want to go see D anymore. I told him to stay.

He told me he'll still take the bus he booked but he'll come back the day after. I told him D isn't going to be very happy. He said he can handle it and not to worry. I started acting like a huge dork I was so happy. I said it meant that we could go running in the mornings together, and blabla and blabla. I was making big gestures and jumping and things. Guy was smiling at me the entire time. He told me to come back, I sat on his lap, and he told me I deserve to be this happy. I hugged him again, telling him he makes the best teddy. He kissed my forehead, holding me tighter this time. 

"You'll be okay," he says.

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