Loreen & Ingá-Máret Gaup-Juuso - Son

Imogen Heap - Neglected Space

Hello.
I watch you come and go.
I know you can hear my voice
Don't walk away

Come daydream with me
In closed loops and future-proof cardboard to caviar.
Let’s show them how good we are.
If you look after me, I’ll look after you.

[...]

I'm a story in mourning
And you're the author
So pour out your masterpiece

Entropy increasing
How long before I'm dust?
Can we discuss?

Dream Journal Entry #12 — Rainbow Sand Castles

I can't remember all of it now but;

I'd just moved to a new house - owned by one of my relatives pretty sure but the house was so big I didn't meet anyone except the help when I got there. I had 3 dogs with me: a German Shepherd, a little Maltese and a shih Tzu. Kuwa, Bamba and my future dog? It was dark and I was unpacking, didn't bother turning the light. Shredded carrots with dog food in the dark as well haha. And the entire time this car alarm was going off - turns out it was actually going off irl haha.

Then I was off to some University. I was taking a masters class in something I think. It was an intimate lecture theatre and I already knew the people in there - some from highschool and some invented by my head I guess. Everything was really casual on the first day. The teaching staff were sitting at the back having a chat. I told friends we should go outside; so outside we went. Came back in and one girl who I found annoying in highschool haha - N - starts bitching about how we took so long. I asked her why she didn't join us and she strangled me hahaha. I backhanded her and she went off to tell some staff member. I ended up going to staff as well which is something I think I'd only do now given the amount of shit I let get away irl, and that teach was like you should tell this guy - he's head of theatre and a big shot. I said okay.

So teach led me up to an office where I explained the story and he told me to follow him. We went into another lecture hall with different peeps in there and he briefed them on something while he told me to sit. Next thing I remember is we were having dress rehearsal for a dramatic reenactment of the build up, climax and resolve of the N strangle. Hahaha! And these people were good. Contemporary dance and everything. I was properly impressed. And like, what the hell haha. 

So fast forward some cos I can't remember; I'm with a few of my friends at some stadium. We watch a game of futbol. The guys after come to me saying,  "hey, we need you to design a huge banner type thing to promote this league. Can you do it?"

I say yes and this was the most insane part of the dream - the method of design? You know sand art you can buy in a bottle where the sand artist layers different coloured sand to make some picture or write something? Well it was that. Except they had the technology to convert written text to layers in this stadium-tall sand art wall. And the catch in the technology was, any errors had to be corrected manually. So when I decided to change the bottom part of it I had my friends help  me pull sand out of this wall. It was fun and kind of like the color festival in India you know? Anyway. When I was done they all liked it and pushed a button and it solidified into a steel fixture - but they added something at the top, and there was a gap. I turned to them saying I didn't like that, and this dude says "wait for it, it'll be your favourite bit."

And alla sudden it lights up and there's moving captures of replays from the last game. And it was all mostly of my friend from my masters class. I was stoked. I was all woah. 

Fast forward and we're all going home and that guy comes up to me saying he liked what I did. I told him thanks and, I'm pretty sure we had a moment, but his ex wife came with the baby in a bit of a tiff and I excused myself. He caught up with me and our other friends later, and we were all headed back to mine.

All the lights were off in the house still but this time my uncle was in the living room outside one of the bedrooms. I went over to touch the back of his hand on my forehead and funny the rest of my group lined up behind me to do the same hahaha. Uncle kept peering in the bedroom and telling us to shh meanwhile. I didn't ask what was happening but it looked like the scene from a movie where someone was dying; but we were in the dark having the back of his hand touch our foreheads. 

fin 

"I'm not myself tonight."

"I'm not myself tonight."

I've always thought that this statement held no real value. I've always thought identity is fluid and people have so many different sides to themselves, in different shades, and in different circumstances. 

That held through til I actually lost myself, having let die the different parts of myself in all their shades and in no circumstances. It's been so weird since.

I'm okay now, finally, but everything is so different and I find myself wondering -- is this my normal?

Because it is different when you don't really know your actions affect your outcome. And what I mean by that is pre-theshit, I lived without much thought. Not that I never used my head; just that I always thought everything I did was unquestionable - to me anyway - which is most important is it not? Maybe. The only thought I ever put into my choices and my actions had to do with truth or loyalty or heart or passion or something along those lines. I still value those things the highest but the amount I let seep through perhaps has changed. It isn't that it isn't in me; it's that I know where that's gotten me in the past.

Maybe that's me finally growing up or maybe I'm just dulling. Whatever it is, I'm always on an intersection. I feel like there's so much in me and I have to pick. I have to pick because if I don't pick I will half heartedly be doing everything or, which is more probably the case, frustrate myself to the point of not doing anything at all. All the different shades of me have, for the most part, returned, and I'm in limbo with all of them.

It was only last year I started using my head over my heart. That's a behavioural studies major saying that. And when you use your head, a lot is up in the air, as ironic as that is. I feel like every action I take will inevitably affect the future, which is why even to the slightest hint of hmm I don't know, the walls go up. And then it's always, but what if.

And this applies to everything in my life lately. And the safest solution I can muster to all of that mush is no solution at all. I used to be in chaos where closure was lacking, and lately it's been my safe place; this, I don't know. 

Because there are things that I do know. And it is weird being out of loop for so long a guy you used to date forgot how much you can drink lol. But what I do know is I dance when I'm happy, I need to quit smoking, I need to get fitter, I want things for myself, my parents - I am inspired by beauty, ugliness, darkness, light - I want to experience as much of life as I can experience and my only fear in life is losing the one I love. Oh and sloths, and those little holes for some retarded reason - we call that trypophobia, thanks Facebook. 

"I'm not myself tonight." 

Yeah absolutely. That's kind of how it is, right? It always comes down to choice - and that's why when the day comes and your mind and heart agree - on anything - it can be pretty sweet. Cos my heart never listens, but at least my head knows that now. 

/end 

Green Velvet - Bigger Than Prince

 Try not to head-bop.

Lamb - Another Language

X

Nothing More - This Is The Time (Ballast)