Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Lana Del Rey - Ride



"I was in the winter of my life, and the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself, dancing and laughing and crying with them. Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour, and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times. 

I was a singer - not a very popular one, I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet, but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken. 

But I didn't really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it to know what true freedom is. When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I'd been living, they asked me why - but there's no use in talking to people who have home. They have no idea what it's like to seek safety in other people - for home to be wherever you lay your head. 

I was always an unusual girl. My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality; just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean... And if I said I didn't plan for it to turn out this way I'd be lying... 

Because I was born to be the other woman. 
Who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone. 

Who had nothing, who wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it, and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me."

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Ms. Bradshaw

I am obsessed with Sex And The City. I've tried to get into it before with no success but these days I guess everything's just a little more relatable (I guess a kinder way of saying, I'm not getting any younger).  

"There's some real truth about you. I can vouch for you."

I won't ever forget those words leaving my friend's lips. That's the best thing you could ask for in a friendship, I think. Every so often when I'm feeling down, I wonder what it is that I give to people that make me worth their time. Sometimes I get so clouded in my head I can't even remember who I am or what I want anymore. That's when it really helps, I guess.

I was on the right path when I first left home; I had life by the balls back then, but I was young, extremely naive, extremely happy and  about to make the worst decisions of my life. For some strange reason (that isn't so strange afterall), I turned my first priority to fixing a relationship that was never meant to have happened in the first place. For four years I did that. 

That's what happens when you and the guy have no common values and very different priorities -- if that wasn't obvious enough already. And then I decided to make the most retarded decision of my life by jumping into a relationship with a psycho. So.

I spent about 6 years focused on - not me. 

Point is, I never thought Carrie Bradshaw from Sex And The City would be a character I'd be relating to. She's a dream for any woman who neglected herself for so long and that - untameable side to her, so to speak. I'm probably romanticising that a little bit, but whatever it is, it isn't square.


Just finished the second season of SATC and it ends with some beautiful words from Carrie, as she watches her ex, Mr Big crawl into his limo with his new fiance. She says to herself:
"Then I had a thought. Maybe I didn't break Big. Maybe the problem was he couldn't break me. Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free, until they find someone just as wild to run with."

Until then.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Push Start

Little lamb, there are lots of wolves in sheep's clothing. Lots. I have little to no faith in words anymore. I'd rather stick by someone who does me no favours than someone who "cares" just to get the reaction they want from me. I am not innocent in this anymore. I know what the hell I'm doing. I'm not here to prove myself to anyone. Somebody tell me who has the guilty conscience? Not me. Never me. Does that make me an asshole? No, it just makes me fucking honest is what. 

Give me someone who doesn't use me for once, and someone I can respect. Til then I stick by and appreciate the people that love me and honey no that doesn't make me a slag. Not my fault your head's in the shithole. I just know I'm not about to abandon my friends and I'm so sorry that doesn't comply to the way you want me to live my life, but I'm not about to go through another fucking one of these.

The next time someone tells you who they are, take their word for it. They've set low standards for you before you even hit start. So much learning. 


Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Dream Journal Entry #10 —Sleep Paralysis

It's 4AM and I'm blogging because I just experienced sleep paralysis.

Mine felt like girls hands, one on my forehead pushing down, one on my chest, then two more around my hands. They felt human. I tried screaming and no sound came out, just air. I tried digging my nails into her hands and she dug back. I tried wiggling out from under but I was firmly held there. The only thing that managed to free me was when I manoeuvred my hand in a circle managing to graze the side of my hand on the bed. Seems like that did it.

Through it I actually thought someone broke in the apartment and I was going to die. Now my hearts racing and I can't believe it actually happened. They're not kidding about sleep paralysis.