The Infinite and John Green

I've always believed in infinites. For a time I lost sight of those infinites, so to speak, instead swimming through oceans of things that disguised themselves as infinites, or felt almost precious to the same degree as an infinite, but not so. Tricky things those things are.

There is a lot in the way that I used to think that I have abandoned and in the rare instance, I stop and think how tragic that could be; That the grand finale to some of these infinites could ever be summarized in so few words. Almost nightmarish if I were to think about it a second longer than I should; which is why I stopped doing that.

I don't know if it exists, because the longer I stick around the more I come to terms with this concept of "I don't know" and "that's life" — it becomes almost dreary if I spend a second longer than I should  on that thought as well. So I don't.

What I do know is that you have to make the best of everything you get given; and to me that can't and won't ever come in the form of cheap thrill or fuzzy hoo-ha. There's no comfort in the flesh or the material and it's deeper to me than that, it's always been, and that won't ever change.

I watched the Fault In Our Stars.

Bless John Green. Augustus Waters is everything I could imagine in the infinite. And that's not me saying "aw" or melting at the idea of love; he's a hero. And not in line with Disney or any of that sap, but I think we all search for the Gus in our lives; in our friends, family, and in ourselves. I think finding that may be all of our infinites.  I'll keep a tiny candle lit til the day I'm living mine.   

"We are like a bunch of dogs squirting on fire hydrants. We poison the groundwater with our toxic piss, marking everything mine in a ridiculous attempt to survive our deaths. I can't stop pissing on fire hydrants. I am an animal like any other. Hazel is different. she walks lightly, old man. She walks lightly upon the earth. She knows the truth: We're as likely to hurt the universe as we are to help it, and we're not likely to do either. People will say it's sad that she leaves a lesser scar, that fewer remember her, that she was loved deeply but not widely. But it's not sad. It's triumphant. It's heroic. Isn't that the real heroism?"

Akdong Musician - Melted

"So basically the song is about how cold and lonely they feel and they wish to melt away the icy coldness and they want to find warmth. In Korean, the word ‘Ice’ and ‘Adult (or grown-up)’ have a similar sound, like homophones. So the ‘Ice’ in this song has been used as a symbol of ‘grown-ups’. So the coldness comes from the adults and they repeat, "why are they so cold" and they refers to the adults. Thats why in the video the kid faces many obstacles with adults and they were all really cold to him but in the end he found someone that accepted him and it melted the 'ice' and he finally felt the warmth."

Loreen - Heal

I've been asking myself, is she my spirit animal? And then 1:59 happened. :)

Katy B - Crying For No Reason (Infinity Ink Remix)

Aloha Ke Akua

:)

Dream Journal Entry #9— Run, Debbie, Run

I was in these 5 inch black pointed, peep toe stilettos and  a rose pink dress (or whatever shade those bridesmaids dresses were)– strange.  I was walking out of church, and church was what seemed to be a pyramid, and the staircase I was going down ran on an entire side of it.

I'd just got done getting married. Actually, I was pretty sure I got married yesterday, but anyway. I caught myself thinking, cool,  I can walk in pointed stilettos without thinking twice, given we were so high up, and it's a long way to roll down. 

Alla sudden I heard my cousin Von's voice. It's unmistakable, cos it's very deep, "huy, cuz, what're you doing?"

I looked back and he was there with his wife, his brother's wife, Matt (a friend from highschool) and another lady. She spoke, "yeah what the hell?"

I raised my eyebrows.

"Deb, I get everything else, but why would you hide from your wife on your wedding day?"

So I got married to a chick in a pyramid church, and in 5 inch pointies. Nice.

I stood there, amused at the situation, looking at my wife and thinking "you're pretty, but" yeah, kinda, uhh –ok honestly in dream it felt like she was a complete stranger, so. Strange bitch, aren't I? lol

So I ran. I ran down the entire, what seemed to be equivalent to 10 storeys of steps on one continuous slope– somehow managing to stay upright even though I was skipping steps in 5 inch stilettos.

I got to the bottom of the staircase and looked up at them all. Matt stood up right with his hands resting on his hips. He was the only one who wasn't panting from running after me. He looked at me wide eyed with a smile on his face that made me think, #challengeaccepted

I grinned back at him knowingly and faced sideways staring into the distance, before turning to look at Matt once more, before I started shifting my weight from foot to foot. My cousin knew what was coming, "oh come on, SERIOUSLY!?"

And at that I sprinted the fuck out of those stilettos it almost felt like I was flying. I looked back and cuz and Matt were just behind me, keeping pace. 

"Oi Deb, don't run more than a kilometer!"

I looked back and laughed, wiggled my eyebrows at Matt to which he shook his head at with a smile under his exhale. I spoke gently but firmly (I must've been a super athlete in this dream), "keep up boys."

And at that, I turned back around and sprinted so fast I could barely feel my toes touch the ground. 

______________________________

I kept sprinting for a while, before I woke up. And it's only been 3 hours since I fell asleep, and I'm wondering why I can't seem to sleep past 8am without waking up in anxiety these days. Heheh. But it's Sunday so, ni ni X

On Reading And Running

"The keys to life are running and reading. When you're running, there's a little person that talks to you and says, "Oh I'm tired. My lungs are about to pop. I'm so hurt. There's no way I can possibly continue." You want to quit. If you learn how to defeat that person when you're running, you will know how to not quit when things get hard in your life. For reading: there have been gazillions of people that have lived before all of us. There's no new problem you could have–with your parents, with school, with a bully. There's no new problem that someone hasn't already had and written about it in a book." –Will Smith