❥ Now, hold that pose for me

let me rest.

If there is one thing I pray for it is simply that I always wake up to every tomorrow believing in love, goodness and grace -- never allowing myself to turn into a cynic with her walls so high no one can reach her.

There is a lot inside me that has turned to stone. There is a lot that I silence, and a lot that I pass off as a sense of humour. I won't go there.

May I exercise discernment and quick wit, trusting myself fast enough to always be one step ahead, and not someone who's read all the spoilers and chooses to forget. 

I can shift my thoughts there in a second and I feel my heart scrunch up. This is called heart break. If you experience it enough times kiddo, you can ignore it. 

From now on I hold my own heart, and the only person I give it to is the one who holds it the same if not better than how I do. So time to step the game up. That's a memo to myself.

There is more love than romantic love and this is the love I am going to focus on. Let's not call this love duck thing a personality flaw, shall we? Let's say I'm just fucking fantastic this way.

Time to #wizeup. Time to have fun. 

Ivy Levan - Biscuit

Chicago - Cell Block Tango

Mrs Joooones. <3

Tale As Old As Time

Art By Me: —"Eva In Love"

I can't really believe what I've just got done. Presenting my first mixed medium piece:

"Eva In Love"

Graphite on paper X digital painting

I'm afraid the conceptualisation is a little disappointing as there was not much conceptualisation before actually doing it haha. It was a matter of having a little obsession with apples — (I don't know why, I don't like eating them - maybe that's why) and just socketing one into her skull. I uploaded the wip on Instagram and a friend goes "Apple of my eye!" —I never even thought of that. Clever friends are clever. 

I've realised how much I love digital painting. I don't have much of a steady hand or the patience to do small strokes with pencil on paper so refining the details like the eyes, teeth, nose, above the lips as well as the shadows and light was so much breezier on the laptop. And so much fun. I lose track of time doing this stuff. I believe it is called, "artist flow"! I am excited. And proud of myself today :)) 

Challenge is on. The other challenge being; keep your mother fucking feet on the ground and focus lady!

Marina And The Diamonds - Forget

my definitely maybe

So I am drunk as I type this, a little high off prescribed things, and very sleep deprived. It's made for an interesting day, and I've had a pretty interesting week.

I've been holding back just typing my thoughts sporadically from this thing just cos I know what thinking too much does to me. Not good. But after a little meltdown yesterday, realisation and a motherfucking huge wake up call, I'm going to try and do this more, because:

1. Catharsis

2. Better here than anywhere else

3. Who fucking cares. :)

TBH there are times I get so pissed or so frustrated with myself I end up typing a full entry on here; but I tend to just save those as drafts and I end up deleting them later. This is about nurturing only the good stuff right? You are the wolf you feed and all this. Yeah, well. That only gets you so far I think. Anyway.

I can't really believe where I'm at. I'm starting to realise I trick myself a lot. And it isn't that I don't know it, it's that I refuse to believe it cos that thing in my chest that I blame everything for - and actually has no mental faculties. :p

But anyway I was talking to someone who's been so special to me for the past 6 months? Wow it's been half a year. Anyway this person has slowly become a wolf in my life — and it's not in the usual way. It's in a pretty shit way actually and he'll admit that himself. But getting to know him, and having his presence in my life has been the biggest wake up call I've ever had.

My nickname for him is Devil Man, so we'll call him Devil Man from here on. He is exactly my opposite. He's an Engineer, all logic, all action, no words, no fluff. Never patronises me, never tries to woo me. I used to hate that. Now I love it - is that fucked up? He is brutally honest and he will always tell me things as they are, even if he knows it'll hurt me. I used to tease him about that 70% honesty setting in that movie. Why can't I remember the movie. 

Anyway, you know what it is having someone who is your polar opposite try to understand the way you rationalise, forgive, love, explore; it is a motherfucking nightmare. Says I talk it riddles. That means I could never understand him either, yeah? Here's the thing. If I didn't meet this guy, I'd probably still be ptsding like crazy, still be in coma, still be hating myself, still be hating the world lol.

Like I always say - peace, love and goodwill to man! Unless you iz a mf. 

I hate that about myself - that I never come to any of these realisations fast enough or from any of my own experience. I have to learn everything the hard way, always. Stubborn be me. — He doubted me. I think that's the main part of it. Most people don't doubt me. Most people don't doubt me to my face anyway. There has not been anyone who doubted me in a legitimately respectful way (before we started fighting like crazy lol) that it made me think. And think and think and think. Was this guy manipulating me? Is this guy trying to get something out of me? Why's he such an asshole sometimes? Who knows. But as far as I'm concerned, I trust this one, not with my heart but with everything else in existence pretty much. If I became Anja Queen of the Universe, he would make a fucking good advisor. Or you know - I'd say he could rule the universe but he is a mf greedy bastard and he knows it. Greedy people don't make good rulers. Also power hungry people. So if you ever meet anyone who says they want to rule the Universe, run away fast. That was my ex. And also me I realise — but above statement was a joke. Let's me correct that to: if I was a mother I would trust him with my kids. 

Better?

He also reads this blog. :p

It got to a point where he became the only one in my life I listened to. Ever. That means, he ended up being able to tell me something and I'd do it. I've never been that way with anyone before. One of my old friends once told another friend of mine, "beg her." — to which my other friend (who's like Devil in a lot of ways actually) says, "you don't know her. She never does anything unless she thinks of it herself."

So that's a trait. I think it's good and bad.

Anyway, ended up going to see a psychologist when I did, thanks to him. Ended up ending things with so much of my past. Thing about him is he says what I already know in my head, but he'd do it with no remorse. And that challenges me; and I like a challenge, and then slowly things kind of unveil themselves by themselves; and he's always right. Well when it comes to others. :p 

It's kind of like — if you put a thought into the Universe and question it enough times, an answer will come of it. That's what happens when I think too much. It's not entirely useless sometimes I guess. :p

I said to him last night, "hey, I'm stupid or something right?" and he replies, "stupid heart." We talked about his daughter and how he was teaching her chess and piano - sounds like me yknow, the kid is like 5 or something. Anyway I told him, "don't make her too smart or she'll end up thinking too much." He replies, "yeah dumb people are happier."

There are so few things we agree on; but when we've been tested we've stood up for eachother and I've never felt more valued by a man in my life. And he is not the type to prove himself to anyone. He is steady as a rock, a total cynic, built for speed and so untrusting - but so much soul, so much passion (and he wouldn't even call it that). He hates poetry. Say things as they are, he will tell me. 

I get a vague understanding of what he'd become before I came into his life. He's told me that I've been the only one able to reach his heart in a decade. The good thing about him not being a words person is when he says something you know 1. it wasn't easy for him to (he hates inflating people's egos) 2. he means it. 

I never expected us to become what we have become. Which is nothing, and everything at the same time. Because we both know that there will eventually be an end to all this — even if it hasn't been anything in a while. But there is something undeniable about two people who have hidden nothing from eachother. He's made me cry, and I've managed to hurt him too — this thing we call love; it is pain if you start in shitty circumstances. No shit Sherlock. 

I used to doubt him too yknow but it's kind of come to this: I am thankful that he came into my life the way he did. Sometimes we do shit things, sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people, sometimes we do nothing for our own good but out of all of the bullshit I am proud to say I know that guy; and if i ever had to kill for him I would. 

That's my extreme statement of the day. 

And that's my first appreciation post in a decade pretty sure. I'll carry a piece of him everywhere I go from now on. And that's a mf record, considering. And why I trust Devils more than Angels. 

Loreen & Ingá-Máret Gaup-Juuso - Son

Imogen Heap - Neglected Space

Hello.
I watch you come and go.
I know you can hear my voice
Don't walk away

Come daydream with me
In closed loops and future-proof cardboard to caviar.
Let’s show them how good we are.
If you look after me, I’ll look after you.

[...]

I'm a story in mourning
And you're the author
So pour out your masterpiece

Entropy increasing
How long before I'm dust?
Can we discuss?

Dream Journal Entry #12 — Rainbow Sand Castles

I can't remember all of it now but;

I'd just moved to a new house - owned by one of my relatives pretty sure but the house was so big I didn't meet anyone except the help when I got there. I had 3 dogs with me: a German Shepherd, a little Maltese and a shih Tzu. Kuwa, Bamba and my future dog? It was dark and I was unpacking, didn't bother turning the light. Shredded carrots with dog food in the dark as well haha. And the entire time this car alarm was going off - turns out it was actually going off irl haha.

Then I was off to some University. I was taking a masters class in something I think. It was an intimate lecture theatre and I already knew the people in there - some from highschool and some invented by my head I guess. Everything was really casual on the first day. The teaching staff were sitting at the back having a chat. I told friends we should go outside; so outside we went. Came back in and one girl who I found annoying in highschool haha - N - starts bitching about how we took so long. I asked her why she didn't join us and she strangled me hahaha. I backhanded her and she went off to tell some staff member. I ended up going to staff as well which is something I think I'd only do now given the amount of shit I let get away irl, and that teach was like you should tell this guy - he's head of theatre and a big shot. I said okay.

So teach led me up to an office where I explained the story and he told me to follow him. We went into another lecture hall with different peeps in there and he briefed them on something while he told me to sit. Next thing I remember is we were having dress rehearsal for a dramatic reenactment of the build up, climax and resolve of the N strangle. Hahaha! And these people were good. Contemporary dance and everything. I was properly impressed. And like, what the hell haha. 

So fast forward some cos I can't remember; I'm with a few of my friends at some stadium. We watch a game of futbol. The guys after come to me saying,  "hey, we need you to design a huge banner type thing to promote this league. Can you do it?"

I say yes and this was the most insane part of the dream - the method of design? You know sand art you can buy in a bottle where the sand artist layers different coloured sand to make some picture or write something? Well it was that. Except they had the technology to convert written text to layers in this stadium-tall sand art wall. And the catch in the technology was, any errors had to be corrected manually. So when I decided to change the bottom part of it I had my friends help  me pull sand out of this wall. It was fun and kind of like the color festival in India you know? Anyway. When I was done they all liked it and pushed a button and it solidified into a steel fixture - but they added something at the top, and there was a gap. I turned to them saying I didn't like that, and this dude says "wait for it, it'll be your favourite bit."

And alla sudden it lights up and there's moving captures of replays from the last game. And it was all mostly of my friend from my masters class. I was stoked. I was all woah. 

Fast forward and we're all going home and that guy comes up to me saying he liked what I did. I told him thanks and, I'm pretty sure we had a moment, but his ex wife came with the baby in a bit of a tiff and I excused myself. He caught up with me and our other friends later, and we were all headed back to mine.

All the lights were off in the house still but this time my uncle was in the living room outside one of the bedrooms. I went over to touch the back of his hand on my forehead and funny the rest of my group lined up behind me to do the same hahaha. Uncle kept peering in the bedroom and telling us to shh meanwhile. I didn't ask what was happening but it looked like the scene from a movie where someone was dying; but we were in the dark having the back of his hand touch our foreheads. 

fin 

"I'm not myself tonight."

"I'm not myself tonight."

I've always thought that this statement held no real value. I've always thought identity is fluid and people have so many different sides to themselves, in different shades, and in different circumstances. 

That held through til I actually lost myself, having let die the different parts of myself in all their shades and in no circumstances. It's been so weird since.

I'm okay now, finally, but everything is so different and I find myself wondering -- is this my normal?

Because it is different when you don't really know your actions affect your outcome. And what I mean by that is pre-theshit, I lived without much thought. Not that I never used my head; just that I always thought everything I did was unquestionable - to me anyway - which is most important is it not? Maybe. The only thought I ever put into my choices and my actions had to do with truth or loyalty or heart or passion or something along those lines. I still value those things the highest but the amount I let seep through perhaps has changed. It isn't that it isn't in me; it's that I know where that's gotten me in the past.

Maybe that's me finally growing up or maybe I'm just dulling. Whatever it is, I'm always on an intersection. I feel like there's so much in me and I have to pick. I have to pick because if I don't pick I will half heartedly be doing everything or, which is more probably the case, frustrate myself to the point of not doing anything at all. All the different shades of me have, for the most part, returned, and I'm in limbo with all of them.

It was only last year I started using my head over my heart. That's a behavioural studies major saying that. And when you use your head, a lot is up in the air, as ironic as that is. I feel like every action I take will inevitably affect the future, which is why even to the slightest hint of hmm I don't know, the walls go up. And then it's always, but what if.

And this applies to everything in my life lately. And the safest solution I can muster to all of that mush is no solution at all. I used to be in chaos where closure was lacking, and lately it's been my safe place; this, I don't know. 

Because there are things that I do know. And it is weird being out of loop for so long a guy you used to date forgot how much you can drink lol. But what I do know is I dance when I'm happy, I need to quit smoking, I need to get fitter, I want things for myself, my parents - I am inspired by beauty, ugliness, darkness, light - I want to experience as much of life as I can experience and my only fear in life is losing the one I love. Oh and sloths, and those little holes for some retarded reason - we call that trypophobia, thanks Facebook. 

"I'm not myself tonight." 

Yeah absolutely. That's kind of how it is, right? It always comes down to choice - and that's why when the day comes and your mind and heart agree - on anything - it can be pretty sweet. Cos my heart never listens, but at least my head knows that now. 

/end