Portrait by AI

 There's something to this though. You give it 10 photos of you, and it takes an average, fills in some blanks. Some of these are strikingly me, others take my best features and work around that, others enhance my imperfections. These are just a few of the 200 - but you know, it might become a thing, because over the last decade of my life I think I've forgotten what I actually look like. When your own lens is foggy, its hard to see - but being painted as a goddess, or a princess, or just myself and that's enough - this is kind of therapeutic. And it took 19 minutes to generate 200 portraits. Hm.

I love them though, even the ones enhancing my imperfections. 

INFP to INTJ

I am deciding to blog because I've been trying to journal and pen and paper don't stimulate me anymore. I had no idea I still had this blog, and it's appropriate, because precisely when I stopped blogging here was when I began to lose grip of myself.

And so much on personality disorders have surfaced where you wouldn't be able to find anything too substantial on it before. But I've been in an on/off again relationship with the guy I spoke about earlier - for 6 years. almost 7. Now I'm nothing like I used to be.

In the mix, I believed him to be someone deeply suffering with mental impairments that he cannot so easily solve - so I never once blamed him for anything that happened as I have my own.

I am so grateful this blog exists. The way I write now is so different to before.

I was heavily INFP still in my last post. Also, I had no idea about the next years of mental health focus/decline and the loss of self I would endure. Now, I am INTJ (I believe it's because I've had to survive with someone who gaslights when mad), I am not so enthused about self-expression as I believe emotions are fleeting (from the over abundance of emotions maybe, and from having friends I thought I would keep for all my life, I kept none.

I wrote a book I'm not proud of. Published - one of my dreams, right? But it was during a time I confused trauma-bond with love. I also had some saviour complex. I'm not a big fan of the term empath anymore. I believe truly compassionate people do not need to announce themselves. 

I worked in China and Singapore - and quit both very quickly. I had an operation in the Gold Coast - where I lived successfully for 2 years on my own, discovered my borderline was actually bipolar. I started memberships at all the shops which I never did in past, I went to 4 psychiatrists, kept up with my psychologist, where I was admitted to ED for 1) Angina from the Lithium and 2) not letting my cyst removal heal properly. By the way, they also removed my left ovary. 

Now I'm in the Philippines, and I had a plan, but I was diagnosed autistic. I finally solved my sleeping problems thanks to this - with a weighted blanket, and a very pillowy mattress topper. Oh and, an egg pillow from miniso which I squish my cheek on and it makes me so cosy.

Now, I live a very empty life, I stay at home in the apartment, designing my dad's new house with skills borrowed from 3d modelling and house design from the (BTW, this guy I'm talking about and I have also started a) store we've been slowly working on. Which stresses me out because I really want to focus on the store, but I'm letting it happen because it's my dad's lifelong dream, and I guess mine as well. I just thought I wouldn't be living with my parents at the age of 33+. 

But at this stage I'm forgiving myself for that because I am so sure that nothing I ever went through was normal. And to this day, my mum still abuses me, but these days we are much less emotional about it because I am so sure she has a personality disorder developed as a coping mechanism to autism. 

I'm at my heaviest weight I've ever been, and I feel so far away from being healthy/fit. I have pimples on my cheeks for the first time in my life. 

Well, I am still following the silver lining despite the crap pile I just typed out. I'm very proud of being INTJ now. I believe it's allowed me to stay 'friends' or 'work friends' with the guy I loved and suffered for for 6 years. It's also very evident how capable I am of fighting for something I believe in - I just have to learn to fight for myself - which is the thing I'm definitely not proud of.

I also feel totally disjointed from my looks. I guess when I was happy, I never really cared that much, but these days I can't talk to people and one of the reasons is me thinking how disgusting/stupid I look now. Well, there's a lot of work to do here. 

I thought I missed who I was before - but maybe it's just the energy and fearlessness. She was seriously misguided and getting away with too much wrong thinking. She had really good friends actually. something I never appreciated back then. Now I really wish they could get to know me all over again. 

Call me by my name

There is a place between heaven and hell, where the angels cry and the demons play hide and seek. It is the place where my heart whispers a sweet lullaby to a loveless child; a place so dim it is not of the comforts of the night, and yet when I close my eyes I feel all the torment, and tormented devour me. There is so much pain. A sweet pain that pulls my every wretched bone and my every aching breath. Like a hand wrapped so tightly around my neck, pushed so firmly down I can hear the slow thump, thump, thump of my pulse fill my ears. The slightest, faintest glimmer of hope left in me well in my tired eyes. My fingers trail gently over the contours of cushion, lined under the softest silk, cool to the touch and so elegantly seductive. Turning my fingers ever so gently to graze my nails against it as if teasingly, waiting for it to beckon me closer. A sharp flick from a dim lit candle catches my eye off-sight and I turn to it. The fire is so beautiful. I take the blade from its sheath and trace it cold against my chest, before turning it ever so gently to scratch across my belly. I close my heavy eyes. My home is in this place of pain and darkness and now, I set myself free.

Mi Dios Lobo

Sweet love,

My King immortal sacred heart, you are as precious to me as every new day.

I am still incomplete, tainted, jaded, trying to find pieces of myself tucked in places I haven't discovered yet. I can not carry both your weight and mine. In an instant, the sun can burn out, the sun can set me on fire -- but I want to blaze through life with the same kind of elegance and gentleness that you showed me once. Dancing through everything, painting trails of ember with my feet and my fingertips. Speak so gently, sweet love, and whisper in my ear, truths of the deepest shades of black, no light is to be seen; the deepest shades of red; painted over a blanket in the sky, where we can lie as one, counting stars and speaking to the moon. Breathe in the pains of the world, and breathe out beautiful stardust, for I will breath you in and breathe out to set our world in flames.

THIS MOTHERFUCKING COVER THO !!!

Mine. ♥

in the hands that set me free

He's elusive and I'm awake 

Defiantly real, there's nothing fake 

A mystery now to me and you 

Open my eyes and I'm next to you 

He says my destiny 

Lies in the hands that set me free

Frank & Elvis