Thursday, January 7, 2016


Growing up has meant shattering all of the little things I believed in as a child. Piece by piece watching them burn to the ground. My home has officially burned to the ground and I didn't cry like I thought I would. I feel contempt, and disappointment. And regret.

After another crazy day of hell in my mind a cherry was added to the mix where I was told many things, and mostly in poor taste. They tell you to never meet your heros. I'm glad I did.

After which I stared blankly at a wall and kind of allowed myself a half minute montage of memories if you will, at all the moments where I created something to believe in. 

I phoned a friend after and asked it went something like-- "Hey what's up?" Um well - long pause - "you okay?" Uh. - and another long pause followed by a - no, but that's not important. Want to do pancakes? "Sure. I'll head over now."

Pancakes at 10pm. We talked about classical music and cinema, art and existential philosophy. I told him about my episode and he told me something I'll carry.

Before that I'd like to confirm, people only subscribe to what they already know-- or things in line with their experiences, whatever. And I'd also like to point out that not subscribing to things is a pretty good sign that you've got a little conviction in you.

And so the pancake revalation is this: there's nothing wrong with me. We all run on different things and my friend has outlined that I am extremely passionate and extremely emotional. At the same time, in my darkest period, I used that emotion and became a really good runner. And so he was saying, that's got to count for something. Work with it. 

There's a good side and a bad side to everything no matter how you live. Know the bad side and be wary. Be wary of crazy hell days and what those can do. But most of all know the good days, and paint stories of adventure if it helps. If it helps become a fighter because you want to protect your family or your friends or whatever else, but run with it and do it.

Over the last year I've heard a couple people tell me that I don't like hearing points of view that don't agree with my own. No, it's not true, but I like to challenge them especially if I feel that these people disregard humanity and a whole spectrum of otherness in opinions. It doesn't mean I want to change them. Because what I've found is it's exactly these people that love me to a point. The rest, they rather ignore exists. 

That's the way to tell your real friends apart. One type embrace, love and encourage you as you are seeing full potential in your strengths. The other type think you're illogical, a lunatic. 

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